No I don’t mean the movie with Hayley Mills, nor the more recent remake with Lindsey Lohan. I'm

referring to youth soccer. Anyone who has ever spent any time in youth soccer has seen parents

who have fallen into the trap. We've seen the dads and mom’s who constantly complain aloud to

anyone who'll listen that the coach is playing the wrong formation, doesn't have the right players

in the right positions, or isn't training the team properly. We've seen the negative parents who

think their child can do no wrong, but can find fault with many of the other players on the team

and are happy to share their discontent with other parents who become allies in negativity. The

soccer parent trap also includes the sideline screamers and armchair referees; the parents who

think their son or daughter is going to be the next Freddy Adu or Kara Lang and insinuate

themselves into every club, team, or soccer school in order to promote their child’s interests over

anything else; the parents who get so over-involved with their child’s soccer that they can’t bear

to leave them on their own for a moment, even to the point of sitting on the sidelines in practices,

watching and judging every drill and small-sided game like they were watching the World Cup.

Finally, the parent trap includes those parents who make the car ride home after every youth

soccer game into an opportunity to analyze and re-analyze every mistake their child made in the

game. No wonder that in a national survey of former young athletes in the United States a very

high percentage of the respondents highlighted ‘the ride home’ as one of their most negative

memories of their youth sport experience. Of course, there are thousands of parents who don’t

fall into the trap parents who manage to love the game and to support their child’s team, club,

and soccer development, but in a balanced way. I say balanced because these parents have

been able to maintain a sense of proportion about their child’s involvement in soccer. They are

serious about their child’s involvement in youth soccer without taking themselves too seriously.

They know, in the end, that soccer is just a game, and that the vast majority of players will not

end up on national teams, or in professional careers. These parents have learned to love the

game for its own sake and to promote it as a life activity that may be enjoyed at almost any age

level. They¹ve learned that disciplined achievement, even at the highest levels, always has to be

balanced with an emphasis on fun, personal empowerment, and learning life skills. If this balance

isn't there, youth sport just becomes another zone of stress and oppression something to dread

or to escape rather than something to embrace with passion and commitment. There is no

guaranteed formula to insure that well-meaning soccer parents will be able to avoid the parent

trap. But, based on my experience, and for what its worth, here are some ideas that might help.

that if your child isn’t on a ‘development’ team by, say, U10 their soccer career is over. That's

nonsense. Take them out, kick a ball around a bit with them, and then let them watch their friends

play on the neighbourhood team. It’s the friendships that matter most early on. When they say

they want to give it a go. Sign them up. But, don¹t feel the need to rush things.

importance of youth games. A good coach will be happy to discuss his or her philosophy with

you. All youth coaches at the youngest levels should be striving to create a positive environment

with a balanced emphasis on fun and skill acquisition. If the coach is a screamer, talk to him or

her about it early on, in a non-threatening way. If the coach isn¹t interested in what you have to

say, move your child to a more positive atmosphere.

develop at different rates. It sometimes happens that the big early developer who scores 50 goals

in a soccer season is not even one of the top 10 players on select teams in the late high school

years. In too many instances when other children begin to catch up to these U12 or U13 ‘stars,’

the former stars lose their interest and drop out of the game. So if your U9 or U10 son or

daughter is ripping up the local circuit, don’t lose your sense of proportion about it all. Your child

may well go on to develop into a great player. But a lot of young stars don’t develop. So keep

things in perspective.

players‘confidence, don’t undermine their good work by criticizing your child’s weaknesses all the

time: ‘Sally, you just have to learn to be more aggressive!! Try harder!!’ Instead, praise your

child’s strengths and accomplishments and let the coach quietly work on improving the

weaknesses.

hard to contribute to and belong to something bigger than himself or herself. Teach your child to

be a team player and to respect his or her team-mates. Under no circumstances should you ever

say something like: ‘Well, if it wasn't for your scoring your team would be hopeless. Your defence

is a joke. Really, you are the whole team.’ After the U.S. women’s national team won the 1999

world cup, Mia Hamm was quoted as telling her team-mates that she didn’t become the player

she was until she learned that she was playing FOR her team-mates more than for herself. More

youth players and parents, especially at higher levels, should learn that lesson.

always have to be balanced against team commitment. At the high school ages it is very common

for players to jump from one select team to another, looking for the best coaching, the most

successful program, and the team that will best prepare the player for selection to provincial

teams or to university soccer programs. Sometimes, a player needs to move to take his or her

game to the highest level. That is how soccer works. But, there is also too much of jumping from

team to team in youth soccer, as select team coaches and ambitious parents quietly work to build

super teams at the highest levels. If your child is on a successful high level team, with good

coaching, and strong friendships, think very seriously before moving your child from this

environment. Ask yourself what lessons your child will learn from the move? What will be gained?

What will be lost?

you can't expect your child to learn much about sportsmanship if you can't control your own

temper on the sidelines. Similarly, if all you do is slag the coaches, or the other players in your

child's presence, what lessons are you teaching? Instead, make an effort to teach your child the

value of respect: respect for team-mates, for coaches, for referees, and for opponents.

making a tactical observation about a coach, or about a team’s favourite formation, system or

style of play. In Sao Paulo just try to say something publically like: ‘Brazilian soccer is too

undisciplined. With your skill if you Brazilians played a much more disciplined or organized style,

you'd win everything all the time.’ Or stand up in a group of Manchester United fans and say

something like: ‘Our team has really gone down hill since we gave up Beckham and started

playing that damn 4-4-1-1 system.’ My point is that every coach has an idea about a preferred

playing style, formation and system. As a parent or fan, you might not like his or her choices. But,

remember how hard it is to get a consensus on this kind of thing at any level of soccer. Someone,

somewhere, will always take issue with any decision a coach makes. On high level teams, if a

coach teaches zonal defending, some parents will believe the team would do better with a manmarking

system. If the coach teaches man-marking defence, some parents will think that coach is

doing the players a disservice by not teaching the principles of zonal defending. When it comes to

soccer playing styles, formations and systems, the best thing a parent can do is to respect the

time and effort put in by the coach. If you have reservations, pass them on in a constructive way

and let the coach get on with coaching. If you are absolutely convinced the issue is a major

problem, be quiet about it over the course of the season and move on to another team for the

following year. But, if nothing ever seems good enough, ask yourself if the issue lies more with

you than with your child ¹s coaches.

coaches, players and parents have to confront problems arising from winning and losing. It is no

fun to play on a team that never wins. On these teams, losing becomes a cancer: players get

discouraged, parents get grumpy and critical, and coaches get depressed. And, sometimes, on

these teams the need to win gets so strong that the weaker players start to see less and less

playing time. Something similar can even happen on successful high level youth select teams,

where the need to win against good competition makes coaches and parents tend to emphasize

winning over player development. As a parent you should take the position that from the

beginning of organized soccer to at least grade 8 or 9 the major emphasis for teams should be on

player development. That means that players and teams should be playing at the level that is

best for development and where everyone gets played fairly. The best level is the level where a

team wins enough to feel good about itself, but also loses a fair share of games by challenging

itself to play better teams. As a parent don’t get too caught up in the soccer 'status' game...If your

child is likely to be the weakest player on an A level team, consider a B level team where your

child might get more playing time, have more fun, and develop faster. If your child ¹s team is

winning all their games by a huge margin talk to the coach about having the team move up a

level. If moving up a level is not a possibility, talk to the coach and to the other parents about

using tournaments as a way to play higher level teams. While it isn't healthy for a team to lose all

the time, it is also not healthy to win all the time either. Just remember to try to keep your child's

team's record in perspective, and remember that in youth soccer player development should be a

greater priority than a team's win-loss record.

about your child's youth soccer experiences. For many players organized competitive soccer will

end in the high school years as other interests develop. For the majority of those who play

organized soccer through high school, U18 will be the end of the line until some return to

recreational play later in life. A small number of players will move on to College and University

teams, or to under 21 teams or to women’s premiere teams, and will continue to play at a high

level. In girls’ soccer, especially, University soccer is the pinnacle of the game for all but a tiny

handful of athletes. And, even then, at 21 or 22 years of age, after 4 years of play, it is over.

Knowing that to be the case, ask yourself what you want your son or daughter to get out of his or

her playing days. Be honest. Now, having thought ahead, rethink your actions and behaviours in

the present in respect to your son or daughter's current team. In the end, at 30 years of age, your

child will not likely remember if they won or lost a league cup at U14. What they'll remember,

hopefully, is the fun, the friendships, and the trips, as well as the life lessons learned about setting

goals collectively and trying to achieve them, being a part of something larger than yourself, the

challenges of discipline and training, and the values of fitness and healthy lifestyles. As a parent if

you can keep your focus on these things you are unlikely to fall into the soccer parent trap.

Rick Gruneau has coached athletes and teams in 3 different sports at the provincial

championship level or higher. He is also a Simon Fraser University professor who has written

several books in the history, sociology and psychology of sport. Rick has nearly 10 years of

experience as a youth soccer coach, with 4 different teams, both boys and girls. His teams have

often been league winners, cup champions and provincial medalists. He was the West Vancouver

Soccer Club’s ‘Coach of the Year’ in 2002-2003.

All rights reserved.

Article Courtesy PlaySOCCER Magazine,

Special Parent's Guide to Soccer Edition 2005.