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Houston Local Weather
Tuna Can Jones
James Warnica
Houston, Texas
77006
 
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Tuna Can Jones

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Welcome to the Tuna Can Jones website. We play in 8 man flag football leagues in and around the Houston area, but seldom play in state-wide tournaments due to our hectic weekend schedules coupled with a healthy fear of getting beat by superior teams that do play in such tournaments.

We are a team that prides itself in our "win at all costs" attitude. Sportsmanship takes a backseat on this team and we're universally hated by the referees on account of our mouthiness. When we lose we whine. And make excuses. And sometimes drop F-bombs. We don't like to lose; therefore, we stick to playing at the Post Oak YMCA where we can destroy bad teams to help us feel good about ourselves.

The pictures on this site are solely for personal, non-commercial or educational purposes and our likenesses may not be used by any persons for financial gain, including, but not limited to, reproduction in GQ, Men's Health, The Sporting News and Cat Fancy.


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TCJ Theme


Wednesday, July 15
TPF Continues to Creep Out TCJ

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TPF informs TCJ that it's thinking of cutting its hair too.

What started out as good natured fun, took a turn to the bizarre late on Sunday evening when Tuna Can Jones QB, James Warnica, after awaking to urinate (as he does numerous times during the night, no thanks to Flomax) noticed all 46 members of Team Pub Fiction standing in his front lawn preparing to sacrifice a drunk guy wearing a chicken costume. 

“I’ve got to be honest,” said a shaken Warnica from the courthouse steps following the temporary restraining order hearing, “I didn’t even know who these guys were until I started seeing them pop up around my neighborhood.  I thought I recognized that Meerdo guy looking in my windows while pretending to be part of our landscaping crew, but I wasn’t positive until the next day when Moynihan called to say he had kidnapped my cat . . . I don’t even own a cat.  And I even saw Parker and Evans going through my mother-in-law’s trash last weekend.”  “The only reason I knew who they were was because they were wearing their Pub Fiction jerseys with their last names on back.” 

Team Historian Sam Smith was hesitant to admit that there was any ‘obsession’.  “Come on!  Show me a flag football team that doesn’t have a team of videographers who record each and every game and then meets several times a week to break down said game film . . . and doesn’t have its own nutritionist and team mini-van to travel to and from the games . . . and don’t all have a ‘Pub Fiction’ tattoo on their lower back . . . and don’t all live together in Aubertine’s mom's basement, and don’t occasionally hire a high priestess skilled in the black art of Voodoo to cast spells on other teams.”  “Like I said, we’re not doing anything that every other team in the Sunday night league doesn’t do.” 

In a last ditch effort to beat its perceived nemesis, Pub Fiction brought in the Y.A. Tittle of flag football Houston Storm’s Matt Kacal.  Initially Kacal was not eager to join the team.  “I mean, from the outside you only see a team whose members are exploited psychologically and financially by its charismatic leaders.  Sure, the members of Pub Fiction meet almost all the criteria of a cult . . . lack of self-confidence, gullibility, desire to belong to a group, frustrated spiritual searching, and the latent homosexuality thing is pretty obvious to anyone who’s paying attention.” 

“But to be honest after sizing up their roster, I noticed something interesting.  Their members were primarily former Texas aTm students.  So of course there’s going to be propensity to seize on ‘rivalries’ with a far superior opponent who quite frankly sees them with disdainful indifference.  I think they learn that at fish camp.  They don’t let a history of one-sided domination dissuade them from thinking that they’re part of heated rivalry.  Once I realized they were just aggies, well I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to play a season or two with them . . . especially when my other option was spending another week in the Pub Fiction Dungeon.  ‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again’ can be a pretty convincing argument after a month.” 

Italian-African-American Pass Rusher Lamar Pagnotta does admit to being a little anxious about this weekend’s showdown with TPF.  “We’re planning on going at it a little differently than we have in past games against them.  First and foremost, we’ll probably use more than 7 guys when we play them.”   

Just this past weekend Kacal took Pub Fiction to a tournament in Dallas where they destroyed the competition in the women’s lower-rec division.  According to Kenny Brunette, TCJ isn’t going to downplay their accomplishments just because they played against teams comprised primarily of women and children, “Look, they didn’t just squeak by those girls.  In many cases they won by a touchdown or two.”    

“I’ve been playing A-level ball for years with the Austin Headhunters,” said defensive captain Mike Morrison, who manages to drop the fact that he played for the Headhunters into almost any conversation he has.  “You ask anyone in the state -- a Matt Kacal team would never sandbag in a lower division.  If he determined that they were going to play women’s lower-rec, then that was certainly the toughest division in the tournament.  Kacal's Storm teams never shy away from playing at the sport's highest level, and he's trying to instill that same fearlessness attitude in the young Pub guys.” 



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Kacal in an undated photo
Monday, April 21
Kacal Comes Clean: Admits Lying About Age

With the recent news that Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada is actually two years older than he's listed in MLB records, a Houston area flag football player has decided that it's also time for him to come clean.
                                                                                                                                   
Saying he wanted to rid himself of a burden, Houston Storm quarterback Matt Kacal approached general manager Karl "Breadtruck" Schneider and asked to correct misinformation he gave Storm when they began playing flag football in 1994. Records show that Kacal first began playing flag football when he was a freshman at the University of Houston -- in 1974.  "He played throwback on grad school team called the "Model T's", which was apparently the hot car back in that time period," said Schneider.  Doing the math, that makes Kacal 58 years old -- as opposed to the 37 years old that he was claiming.
                                                                                                                                   
Upon doing further research this reporter uncovered evidence that Kacal might, in fact, be even older than 58.  Harris County records show that a Matthew Kacal was married in 1925 to one Gertrude "Bess" Kacal, who died from the small pox in 1927.  Matt later remarried his current wife, Becky, in a small ceremony in 1987.  This could explain why his current children affectionately refer to him as "grampa."  When reached for comment, his second wife, Becky was shocked, but then added "Well, that explains a lot . . . though I can't believe I was gullible enough to believe that all those little blue pills on the night stand were tic-tacs."
                                                                                                                                 
Kacal also had two tours of duty in Vietnam, which is where he lost his hair in 1968.  "I was the unfortunate recipient of the ol' "napalm in the hair spray bottle" prank.  Those guys in 3rd Battalion, 14th Infantry Regiment sure could take a joke too far," lamented Kacal.


Tuesday, December 5
Tuna Travels to State

(AP) College Station -- After a 9-1 regular season in the Houston PARD league, Tuna Can Jones travelled to the TAAF State Tournament this past weekend in College Station to compete with the state's best. Despite the addition of two ringers, whose job it was to take TCJ to the state title, Tuna only managed to win 3 games before being ousted from the tournament by the FlowerMound PointMen in a game not worth mentioning.

Ringers John Simpson (40) and Kevin Smith (17) helped give TCJ its largest tournament team ever with 13 players. Although spirits were dampened a bit with the 3-2 showing, the team did manage to drink approximately 325 beers between them over the course of the weekend, an accomplishment of which we can all be proud.

Front Row (L-R): James Warnica, Thomas Zufelt, Carson Joachim, Brian "Redgloves" Devore, Greg "Seminole" Harless, Jason Koy
Back Row (L-R): Randy Bruckmiller, Patrick Huff, Chris Faucett, Drew Lowe, Michael Davis, John Simpson, Kevin Smith


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TCJ Wins Post Oak Y Title

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Tuna Can Jones managed to win another Post Oak YMCA title on Sunday, but the mood was somber in the TCJ lockerroom following a shocking announcement by TCJ wideout, Randy "the brook" Brochmiller.

Following an undefeated regular season, TCJ pummelled the Red Rockets 27-6 and then disposed of the pesky Lynch Mob in the final, 20-6. But following the victory, Bruckmiller announced that he was leaving TCJ for greener pastures. Those pastures apparently lead him to Dallas where he joined Dallas Prime Time (see attached pic) in their quest to win the "cash points" prize in the Texas Tournament Series.

It had long been known that the relationship between Brookmiller and team captain Dirk Moore had grown sour over the last few seasons culminating in a heated exchange in the season opener where Brookmiller choked Moore after Moore mistakenly picked up Bruckmiller's Aquafina. "Dirk taking my water had nothing to do with this move," said the oft-hot-headed Bruckmiller following the championship. "I just felt like I needed to move on for the good of the team and myself. Things just haven't been good in awhile. I felt like I just fit in better on Prime Time. I hope the TCJ fans can respect my decision."

Many TCJ fans who were polled felt that Broochmiller had abandoned the team for the Dallas limelight. "I think it was a punkass move by a punkass punk," said Kim Osburn Warnika. "I thought he had moved to Austin a year or so ago," said Julie Moore mistakenly thinking that Brookmiller and former TCJ standout Rick Monk were the same person. We'll keep you updated on this stunning turn of events.


TCJ Recognized for Participation in Tournament

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TCJ (in white) in action agains the Jokers
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On Saturday evening Matt Kacal and Karl Schneider thanked Tuna Can Jones for its participation in their Spring 2004 Texan Tournament Series, and most importantly for their $270 entry fee into said tournament. "On behalf of Karl and myself and my wife and kids, I'd like to thank Tuna Can Jones for their contribution. Thanks to TCJ and other teams like them, my sons will no longer be picked on for having to wear dad’s hand-me-down Storm flags to school," announced Kacal.

Ignoring for a minute the fact that Kacal forces his kids to wear flag football flags to school, Tuna Can Jones was more than happy to donate to a worthy cause. Despite acquiring a ringer in Doug Maziur, Tuna Can Jones, which was just pronounced the 11th best team in Houston according to http://texanflagfootball.com/, once again retained its title as the best team never to finish in single digits in a tournament’s standings. Maziur, who rumor had it played football and ran track at Oklahomo State and Baylor, respectively, managed to use his height to help TCJ win its first round game over the 2nd best team in College Station, the Bryan Jokers. Ignoring for a minute the fact that College Station only has two men’s flag football teams, Maziur teamed with 6’4” Drew Lowe, to score 3 touchdowns on the Jokers whose average height was just an inch below Oompa Loompa stunt double, Seminole Greg Harless.

Following their 38-25 overtime victory over the Jokers, TCJ headed into its winners bracket battle with Dallas Prime Time. Not intimidated by Prime Time’s “A” classification, TCJ fought valiantly going into halftime only down 19-13 despite the loss of Seminole to an afternoon wedding and QB James Warnica and ringer, Doug Maziur to hamstring injuries. Being 31 years old, Warnica’s hamstring injury was much more legitimate than the hamstring injury of 27 year old Maziur who is just weak, fat and lazy. In any event, the game ended ugly as did the two remaining games.

The defending "B" state champs, the Carollton Free Agents, made short work of the Tuna in a game not worth mentioning, and then the College Station Swarm, the best team in College Station (and consequently the second to worst team in College Station) edged TCJ by a touchdown or something. Due to the late finish time TCJ was forced to go eat and drink at a Taqueria after the games.

Participants were: Dirk Moore (who took a nice ball of the dome on 4th down in the first game), Jason Koy (who played some QB in place of Warnica and never stopped hustling even when the older players were urging him to, so that they could lose and go home), Jesse Hedrick (who was a little rusty after taking way too much time off from TCJ), Doug Maziur (who had a great 1st game in a TCJ uniform before the hamstring injury), Drew Lowe (whose height still makes him TCJ’s primary weapon despite the fact that his forty speed seems to have dropped .10 of a second every time he comes out), Brian Crum (who paid me promptly for his entry fee into the tournament), Thomas Zufeldt (who played a great tournie in the face of adversity, i.e. Matt Kacal’s underhanded recruiting tactics), Brian (the guy from the Tuna Scouts Monday night team, whose last name I can't recall, who had a couple of long TDs thanks to the speed that comes with 24 year old legs), Seminole Greg (who played well in his one game with TCJ before his wedding--always a bridesmaid, never a bride), the Randy (a/k/a likes to fight guy, who was able to fight off his desire to crack skulls, so that he was only ejected from 1 game in the tournament), and James Warnica (who played QB for the team and paid the team’s entry fee).


TCJ Wins Post Oak YMCA Title

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On Sunday Tuna Can Jones managed to win its third Post Oak YMCA title by staging an end of game goal line stand to preserve their 13-12 lead over the Gamblers. In earlier action, the Tuna managed to roll over an undermanned Dolphin Dogs team who were missing several of their players who had been booted from the league due to their notoriously vicious and intemperate dispositions and the fact that they apparently “hate white people.”

The semi-final game against Team Trench started out inauspiciously as QB James Warnica left the backfield to receive a throwback pass, but only managed to perfectly set the ball to the awaiting defense for an easy interception on the game’s first play. When asked about his embarrassing attempt at catching, Warnica commented that “Catching the ball isn’t as easy as it looks. It’s actually nearly as hard as the Randy makes it look.” Despite trailing 7-0 early, TCJ managed to score 44 unanswered points moving in and out of its new spread offense to keep the defense confused. An interception return for a touchdown early in the 2nd half by Jesse Hedrick deflated what little hope Team Trench had for a comeback. Jason Koy, Lance Bean and Dirk Moore all scored touchdowns to aid in the effort.

In the Championship Game, the Gamblers brought out all their big guns even adding ringer and former Baylor standout, All Southwest Conference performer, NFL player and Arena League Stud, Ben Bronson (pictured). Behind a Tory Crawford touchdown, Tuna Can Jones battled to a 6-6 tie at the half. After exchanging TDs in the second half, TCJ managed to get a critical extra point when the Randy broke open across the front of the end zone. With only a few plays remaining the Gamblers drove down into the red zone only to be thwarted by two timely sacks by Jesse “flag puller” Hedrick on 3rd and 4th down to seal the win and allow TCJ to take home the coveted “Post Oak YMCA Championship” t-shirts.

For the Playoffs
Jesse Hedrick was voted Defensive MVP
Tory Crawford was voted Offensive MVP


TCJ Participates in Pigskin Superfest

Tuna Can Jones travelled to Conroe this weekend to participate in the Second Annual Pigskin Superfest. TCJ lost its first game to the Euless Dragons on Play 6. TCJ lost its second game to Hit Squad in overtime. That is all.

Players:
Dirk Moore
Brian Crum
James Warnica
Collin Kennedy
Doug Edwards
Carson Joachim
Dewayne Rhodes
Jesse Hedrick
Drew Lowe


TCJ Goes 2-2 in its Texan Tounament Series Debut

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TCJ Battles the Young Guns
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Life is hard if you're a Tuna Can Jones fan.   Figuratively speaking, you routinely have your heart ripped from your chest, thrown into a food processor, puréed, then poured into a flimsy paper cup from which you are forced to drink the remains of your own puréed heart through a crazy straw—Fear Factor style.

But in the Texan Tournament Series held at the Sportsplex on March 8-9th, TCJ dealt their fans a couple of the bigger bag over the head punches in the face that they had experienced in a long time.

Despite winning two games over Houston Stone Cold and the Redzone Rowdies from Dallas, TCJ lost two tough games. In the second game of the tournament TCJ went back and forth with the Daredevils in a game in which it looked like the last team to get the ball would win. TCJ gave up a touchdown on Play-5 that sealed the win for the Daredevils 33-27, and knocked TCJ into the aptly named, “Losers” bracket. In its fourth game of the day, TCJ was involved in another see-saw battle with the Young Guns and even had a chance to win it at the end before quarterback James Warnica threw an interception in the end zone on Play-6. The Young Guns had one play from its own 20 yard line before the teams moved into the overtime period, but in typical TCJ fashion a 70 yard hail mary to a former NFL Pro Bowl player on Play-7 sent TCJ home . . . sore, demoralized and sore.

TCJ Tournament Players included:
Dirk Moore
Seminole Greg Harless
Brian Crum
Carson Joachim
Russell Reeves
Greg Yusi
Michael Davis
Chris Faucett
James Warnica
Andrew Toubin
Jesse Hedrick


Local Flag Football Coach to Stay Put

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On Monday, Tuna Can Jones coach and quarterback, James Warnica removed his name from consideration for the vacant head coaching job of the Dallas Cowboys. “After talking it over with my family and friends, I came to the conclusion that this was not something that I was interested in pursuing at this juncture in my career,” stated Warnica in a prepared statement read to the throngs of assembled media.

“Although it has been my lifelong dream to coach the Dallas Cowboys, I know that my work here is not yet done. We have laid the groundwork for a solid program here and I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to my players to abandon them now.”

“I can’t imagine coaching anywhere other than the Post Oak YMCA.”

Phone calls to Jerry Jones were not immediately returned.


Seminole Does TCJ Proud in Mr. Tan in a Can Contest

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Greg participates in a musical number
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While we don't normally like to report non-football related news on our website, occasionally a "feel good" story comes across the TCJ news desk that is too good to pass up.

On November 29th, our own "Seminole" Greg Harless traveled to the beautiful North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii to contend for Hawaiian Tropic's Mr. Tan in a Can. The company's new line of tan creams, gels and peroxide hair products, which debuted earlier this year had been slow sellers so the company hoped to increase market awareness by holding the Mr. Tan in a Can contest, which would operate as the male equivalent of the ultra-popular Ms. Hawaiian Tropic Pageant.

Despite sporting an "all-over" full body orange tinted tan and peroxide highlighted hair, Greg didn't make it beyond the initial round of finalists, due to what Seminole termed as a "regional bias." He did however, get to perform in several of the contestant musical numbers and termed it "the dream of a lifetime." "I got to meet quite a few great dudes and we certainly plan to keep in touch."

And there's always next year, Seminole.


TCJ Wins Post Oak YMCA Championship

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Behind a strong offensive performance by former soccer player, Rick Monk and a stifling pass rush, TCJ took home the championship trophy at the Post Oak YMCA playoffs.

After a forfeit win against the Bulldogs, TCJ faced the #3 seeded Gamblers. Rick Monk started the scoring off early hauling in a 40 yard TD pass from James Warnica on the team’s first drive. After Steve Kherker and Seminole Greg Harless harassed the quarterback into several incompletions, Seminole Greg took a swing pass 20 yards for TCJ’s second score in as many possessions, making several nifty moves en route to the endzone. Randy Brookmiller also got into the action hauling in a long pass which got TCJ down inside the Gamblers 5 yard line where TCJ managed to add another score. The Gamblers did mangage to post a score, but it wasn’t enough as the Can coasted to a 33-6 victory to move them into the finals against Any Given Sunday.

In the championship game, TCJ faced a rested AGS, but again proved too strong for the opposition. Chris Faucett caught a Warnica pass in the back corner of the end zone for the team’s first score and the Kherker/Harless pass rush was again too much, recording two safeties and numerous sacks and hurries of the AGS signal caller. The defense managed to record the shutout as TCJ posted a 35-0 victory. Rick Monk again played a big role turning a stop route into a 60 yard gain, and scurrying into the end zone on another short pass and long run. Dirk Moore and Randy Brookmiller each scored on long touchdown catches. Brookmiller hauling in a long bomb down the left sideline and Moore turning a Steve Kherker shot put pass into a 40 yard touchdown run.


TCJ wins "Best Looking Team" Award in Tournament

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Brian flashes the winning smile
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Despite being unceremoniously dismissed from the double elimination Post Oak YMCA tournament in two uneventful games, TCJ managed to take home the trophy for "best looking team", narrowly edging out Houston All-Madden for the award. Lead by a stellar performance from Brian Crum (pictured), TCJ battled unseasonably stiff, hair-blowing winds and sweat inducing weather to take home the coveted title. "Most of these teams come out wearing hats that are turned around backwards, shirts with the sleeves ripped off, and some even wear shoes covered in mud," remarked team captain, Dirk Moore. "Our early morning primping has finally paid off for us."

All-Madden, the odds on favorite and previous holder of the coveted trophy which features a bust of referee Clarence, shocked the crowd by showing up in new Tampa Bay Bucs knock-off jerseys. But apparently their move backfired as the judges handed the trophy to an under-appreciated TCJ. "Madden's new jerseys weren't the problem so much as the fact that they were yellow. Those All-Madden fellows don't have the facial features or skin-tone to pull of something like that, certainly not this close to the fall earth tone season," said a judge who wished to remain anonymous.

The Can certainly faced an uphill battle when it learned late in the week that Randy "pretty boy" Brookmiller and Chris Faucett were not going to be able to make it out, but a great performance out of late addition, Collin Kennedy helped TCJ to the title. "Collin played the first game in his new white tennis shoes, which really brought his uniform together in a way that wearing his normal cleats would not have," remarked Road Rash Rick Monk, "it's the little things like that, that will make the difference."

Not that it mattered, but TCJ lost to Texas Heat in its 9:00 a.m. opener 26-14. And lost to Storm 34-12 in the noon elimination game. The team followed up the day with a pizza party at Barry's Pizza. A good time was had by all.


The Randy Still Missing: Authorities Scour Strip Clubs

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After over a month with no clues as to his whereabouts, authorities called off the search for TCJ member, Randy "pretty boy" Brookhmiller. After searching every strip club in town, including the "really nasty ones down in Pasadena", the authorities called off their search Monday due to lack of interest.

"It's not that we're lazy, it's that we just don't care," read Deputy Clarence McKinzie from a prepared statement read to the assembled media at a hastily called press conference. "If'n he's not at a strip club, his friends had no idea where else he could be," continued McKinzie, "therefore we're calling off this search until we find someone who gives a damn about finding him."

Dirk Moore issued a statement on behalf of Tuna Can Jones. "While TCJ is somewhat startled that the Randy could not be found at the Colorado, The Men's Club, or even Heartbreakers, we are confident that if we extend our search to League City, Randy will be found." When asked if there was any truth to the rumor that Randy had retired due to the increased potential of injury to his valued face and abs, Moore suggested "probably."

Project Milk Carton as it was dubbed by the team, has also met with little or no success. Apparently the team begin plastering pictures of the Randy on the back of milk cartons hoping to increase the liklihood that someone had seen him and could give some clue as to his whereabouts. "Apparently, strippers don't drink much milk or something" team soccer player, Rick Monk said.


Tuna Can Jones finishes 6th in 1st Annual Pigskin Superfest

TCJ travelled to Conroe on April 13th to participate in the 1st Annual Pigskin Superfest. TCJ finished 6th out of 11 teams with wins over the Houston Daredevils and the Houston Hawks in the double elimination tournament. TCJ lost to the Brazosport Underdogs and the San Antonio Stars.

TCJ players included:
Dirk Moore
Seminole Greg
Randy Brookmiller
James Warnica
Jesse Hedrick
Chris Powell
Seki Gonzalez
Carlos Sepulveda
Seth Wexler


   
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