Big Bamboo Shanghai Shooters AFC: Jokes

Joke of the Day 24
Two dwarfs won the lottery one day and decided to go get a couple of tarts. They each got a hotel room for the night with the tarts. The first dwarf was not having fun at all but he could hear the second dwarf in the next room shouting, " One, two, three, UH! One, two, three, UH!" The next morning the dwarfs paid their tarts and met for breakfast. The first dwarf said to the second dwarf "How was your night. I didn't have fun at all." The second dwarf replied "Man, I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Joke of the Day 23
Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5
years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where
have you been all this time,you ingrate! Why didn't
you write us, not even a line to let us know how you
were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't
you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I
became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want
to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Ma
this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5
million.

For my little brudder, this gold Rolex, and for you
Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a
breath).and an invitation for all of you to spend
New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."

Now what was it you said you had become?", the father
asked.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute ,
Dad! .. Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant" !! Come here and
give your old man a hug!"




Joke of the Day 22
3 couples on holiday in Scotland,
An American Couple
An English couple
& a couple from Easterhouse(Glasgow)
> >
> >
They are at breakfast in the same B&B when
the American man says to his wife "pass the Honey - Honey"
The English man hearing this not wanting to be outdone says to his
wife
"Pass the Sugar - Sugar"
The man from Easterhouse then says to his wife
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
"Geeze the Milk ya cow!"


Monday, February 9
Joke of the Day 21
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people
in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


Joke of the Day 20
A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet
sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
"fascinate".
Little Bobby raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Bobby
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Bobby said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big, she can only fasten eight."


Friday, November 21
Joke of the Day 19
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a noisy, smoky pub full of people. The Englishman declares, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free!" Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Irishman says, "That's quite a good tale, but in Ireland you can buy one drink and get another TWO for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Scotsman says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as great as the ones in Scotland. Why, in Scotland you can buy one pint, get another THREE for free, and then get taken into the back room for a shag!" The Englishman says, "I say! Did that happen to you?" and the Scotsman replies, "Noo, but it happened to ma sister."


Wednesday, October 29
Joke of the Day 18
An Aberdeen fan, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After
being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach
every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aberdeen fan.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aberdeen fan took his arm from
around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the
aberdeen fan had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the
evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdeen fan started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear..........

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Joke of the Day 17
"An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted
Scottish golfer an after a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an
extremely good one.

He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

The Scot replied "We call it hitting 3."


Friday, August 15
Joke of the Day 16
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Friday, August 15
Joke of the Day 15
Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it,
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50.
" Chris says "OK computer, take away two wrong answers and leave the one right answer and one wrong answer." "Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining choices.
Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to
have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders
Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's". "Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Fergie. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer." "Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call but you played a blinder! But how the ' f ' did you know that a badger lives in a set?".
"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."


Joke of the Day 14
A man walks into a drug store with
his 13 years old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are
called
condoms, Son.. Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"
Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One forJanuary, one for February, one for March.......


Friday, June 27
Joke of the Day 13
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many ****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.





Thursday, May 29
Joke of the Day 12
A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand he comes to three market stalls. The man (half thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands: "I need water, sell me some water." "Sorry Sir" replies the stall owner "I only sell custard." The man, visibly taken aback goes up to the second stall and again asks for water. "I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream" replies the second stall owner. The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs "Please, I need water now or I'll die" "Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands" replies the final stall owner. His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands: "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?!?!?" "I know Sir" says the first stall owner "it's a trifle bazaar."


Joke of the Day 11
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce and Mickey retains a lawyer to speak for him in court. The big day arrives and Mickey's lawyer rises to address the Judge: "Your honour, Mr Mouse is seeking a divorce from his wife Minnie on the grounds that she has large teeth..." Whereupon Mickey jumps up and shouts out: "Your honour I seek leave to confer with my counsel!" The lawyer comes over to Mickey, very angry. He whispers: "What's wrong, I only just started?" Mickey whispers back to him: "I didn't tell you she has large teeth, I told you she was f*cking Goofy..."


An American's View of Cricket!!!
“Imagine a form of baseball in which the pitcher, after each delivery, collects the ball from the catcher and walks slowly with it out to centre field; and that there, after a minute’s pause to collect himself, he turns and runs full tilt towards the pitcher’s mound before hurling the ball at the ankles of a man who stands before him wearing a riding hat, heavy gloves of the sort used to handle radioactive isotopes, and a mattress strapped to each leg. Imagine moreover that if this batsman fails to hit the ball in a way that heartens him sufficiently to try to waddle sixty feet with mattresses strapped to his legs he is under no formal compulsion to run; may stand there all day, and, as a rule does. If by some miracle he is coaxed into making a misstroke that leads to his being put out, all the fielders throw up their arms in triumph and have a hug. The tea is called and everyone retires happily to a distant pavilion to fortify for the next siege. Now imagine all this going on for so long that by the time the match concludes autumn has crept in and all your library books are overdue. There you have cricket.”


Thursday, April 24
Joke of the Day 10
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long
as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f..king menthol".



Friday, March 28
Joke of the Day 9
An English family of Football Supporters head out one Saturday to do some
Christmas shopping. While in a Sports shop the son picks up a Scottish Football jersey and says to his sister ‘Ive decided to be an Scottish Supporter and I
would like this jersey for Christmas.’
His sister outraged by this promptly whacks him round the head and says
-‘Go
talk to your mother’ - Off goes the little lad with the Scottish Football shirt
in hand and finds his mother - ‘Mum?’ -‘Yes son’- Ive decided Im going to
be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas’. The
mother outraged at this promptly whacks him round the head and says -‘Go
talk to your Father’. - ‘DAD’ -‘Yes son’-‘Ive decided Im going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas’ The father is
outraged and whacks him round the head and says ‘No son of mine is ever
going to be seen in that’.
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says-‘Son I hope you’ve learned something
today’.


The son says -‘Yes dad I have’.
‘Good son what is it’.The son replies
‘Ive only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you
English bastards’


Friday, March 21
Joke of the Day 8
Bloke goes into to see the doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, everytime I look at myself in the mirror I get a hard on", doc..."I'm not surprised....you look like a c*nt!!"

Friday, March 14
Joke of the Day 7
Saddam was sitting in his office wondering,
      ............   whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

Ring, Ring, Ring

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland."
"I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on YOU!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied,
"This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now", said Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my
cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to
move on my command."

Begorrah!, said Paddy.
"I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! "
"We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment".

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"We have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed.
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel
carriers.   Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last
spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein the war is still on."
"We have managed to get ourselves airborne."
"We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes."
"My military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles,
and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million."

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph", said Paddy, I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough Paddy called the next day.
"Top of the mornin Mr. Hussein."
"I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that", said Hussein.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well", said Paddy,
"We've had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided:

"There's no fricken way we can feed
two million prisoners."



Friday, January 31
Joke of the Day 6
The parrot
  ----------

  A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word
was an expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,
rude.  David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly  saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could
think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He
shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.  Finally,
in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a
few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then,
suddenly, there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.  David was
frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm
and said,  "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.  I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am
truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued :
"May I ask what the chicken did ?"


Thursday, October 31
Joke of the Day 5
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the
> imminent birth of their respective children One is a Scotsman, one
English
> and the other a West Indian. They are all
> very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of
a
> sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you
> won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5
minutes
> of each other." The men themselves with happiness and joy.
>
> "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys. The fathers are
> ecstatic and congratulate
> each other over and over.
>
> "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the
> confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and
> would be grateful if you could join us there to try
> and help identify them." With that the Scotsman raced past the doctor and
> bolted to the nursery.
> Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying,
> "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"
> The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would
> have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
>
> "Maybe", said the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is f****g English
and
> I'm not taking the risk."


Monday, October 21
Joke of the Day 4
A couple attending an art exhibition were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black dicks, but the one in the middle had a pink dick.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink dick also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners.
The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."



Wednesday, May 29
Joke of the Day 3
A little girl goes into the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her Dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin" she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too"

Wednesday, April 10
Joke of the Day
The Queen Mother meets lady Diana in heaven, and say's
"How do I get a halo like yours?"
Di turns to her and say's,
"F#ck off Gran, it's a steering wheel"


Pink Panther


Thursday, April 18
Joke of the Day 2
A bin man is going along a street picking up wheely bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it,
he goes round the back, but still can't see it, so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer, so he knocks on the door again.
Eventually a little Japanese man answers.
"Harro"
'Alright mate, where's your bin?'
"I bin in the toilet"
'No mate, where's your wheely bin?'
"Ok, I wheeley bin having a wank"


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