Big Bamboo Shanghai Shooters AFC: News

Shanghai Shooters 2-3 Lions

A particularly cold Waigaoqiao played host to the Hebiguchi Cup quarter-final between two of the league’s stronger teams.

Stoner-Jake was one of the last on the bus as he did his best impression of Croatian legend and Champions League winner Igor Biscan with his ‘just got out of bed’ look. Meanwhile Puckett claimed that Esteban Can’t-be-arsed-to (Cambiasso) is a better player than Steven Gerrard…

The Shooters got ready in a changing room that was bizarrely colder than outside. A few of the Lions’ players were listening to some dodgy gob-***e music as they tried to get motivated/disturb the Shooters’ preparations. But if they wanted to kill the mood they could have just cracked on a Witney Houston power ballad< too soon?

The team went out to perform a much-needed warm-up as kick-off drew nearer. Unfortunately a 10-minute debate over whether a blatant handball was in the area or not during the earlier game meant kick-off was delayed. Typically, the unnecessary involvement of opinionated morons who aren’t aware this isn’t the World Cup meant the simple decision took far longer than it should but was also at the end of a game whose outcome would in no way be affected by a goal. True to form, the deliberation eventually came to an end and the penalty was awarded. Naturally the player stepped up and put it high and wide. Well worth the wait…

The game eventually got under way but the Shooters might have wished it hadn’t. Down 2-0 within the first 10 minutes was hardly the start they intended nor experienced during what has been a successful campaign.

The second goal saw a strange celebration by Mr T who deemed it appropriate to run over to the far corner by the Berlin wall where there were no players, supporters or uninvited guests watching. That same wall was also twice cleared unnecessarily by Paedo Kennedy, which quite rightly resulted in a post-match fine.

The Lion’s had their namesake’s share of possession during a first half where the Shooters could only muster a few opportunities with the returning Lecoq, who recently celebrated his Birthday, having the best chance of a fairly drab and disappointing half.

Half-time 0-2 to the Lions.

After a stirring team talk from Zippy in which he noted how no one seemed tired despite breathing from his arse, the Shooters came out the blocks all guns blazing with the welcomed assistance of a bitingly cold wind.

Lecoq nearly put the final touch on a pinpoint punt by ‘The White Feather’ who would later spend the best part of nine hours in Big Bamboo for reasons only he will know. His glazed eyes, consistent waving of hands and regular statements that “Rooney is a quality player” would become a prominent feature as some of the Shooters tried to watch the Man Utd v Liverpool game/ How to avoid a handshake by Luis Suarez.

Back to the match, which saw the Shooters become the dominant team with the Lions struggling to get out of their own half. Unfortunately for the league leaders, that elusive first goal didn’t look like it would ever arrive.

One of their rare forays into the Shooters’ half would see the Lions all but seal victory and their place in the semis as Mr T grabbed his second goal of the game from the edge of the area.

It was harsh on a resurgent Shooters side who through Lecoq grabbed a late glimmer of hope after the Frenchman stroked home after some uncertainty in the Lions’ area.

Moments later and there was only one goal in it. The strawberry blonde Tony Cascarino (Leo) rose highest to head home after a pinball session. A comeback of Istanbul proportions was back on and the subs were on their feet all excited. That was until they realised the possibility of having to endure a further thirty-minutes in the chilly temperatures.

Despite valiant and resilient efforts that restored a bit of pride for the Shooters, an equaliser would ultimately evade them. In true dismissive yet optimistic fashion, this cup exit can help them concentrate on league duties as it proves to be a squeaky-bum-time end to the season – much like Man City. Their title challenge could be helped by the arrival of Lecoq’s compatriot, Zizou who showed enough good touches and occasional nutmegs to not only create a competition between him and ‘The White Feather’ for most ‘megs’ in a game/ training, but also earn Man of the Match which in true Shooters tradition warranted a Long Island Iced Tea.

The disappointment of defeat, which clearly affected ‘The White Feather’ more than others, will require the Shooters to show some great bouncebackability as they look to continue their pursuit of that league title.

Shanghai Shooters 5 – 0 Nomads

Buoyed by the midweek news that talisman and defensive lynchpin Nick Rose will be back in training in mid April, the Shooters decided to give a monkeys about something more important, like why was Dave so long in the toilet with the rest of the squad ready and waiting?

Saying that, WHAM, through the childish bowel movements of one particular member, nearly missed the coach. It ironically turned out to be one of the few things they didn’t miss that day. Makeshift mentor/agent Nick Rose has been asked to ‘wake them up before he go-go’ so to avoid any future lateness. < Yes I went for the cheap gag, all about knowing your readers, blah blah blah.

The 8.30 a.m. start rarely goes down well with the majority of the squad. However, a certain yappy Gooner who models himself on a cross between Lee Dixon and Jose Mourinho was full of beans because he was allowed to go out and ‘play’ with his ‘football friends’.

Heading to Tianma there was apprehension as to whether or not the Nomads would turn up given they had forfeited their previous two fixtures. Any concerns the bleary eyed Shooters had were further enhanced when they noticed there were only four players getting changed with little time left before kick-off. All the Shooters were able to take note because they didn’t have to remove their shoes and socks to count beyond four.

As kick-off drew nearer the Shooters’ frustrations at being dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour on a Saturday at the cost of their token weekend tug grew to near boiling point. Zippy was constantly assured that the Nomads were expecting ‘x’ amount of ‘trialists’ who were frequently giving them two-minute updates. Updates that consistently stated they were “two-minutes away.”

Finally the train from Kazakhstan arrived and there was a game to be played, half an hour later than the scheduled kick-off.

Banners’ lack of tossing cost the Shooters the better pitch of the two meaning they would instead grace the turf that happened to be speckled in *** – something that never left until the game finished.

With ambitious demands from Zippy for at least 10 goals, the Shooters went about being ruthless and clinical. Unfortunately they were ruthless and clinical in not being as such in front of goal.

  Plenty of good build up play saw the league leaders create a flurry of chances ranging from long shots to one-on-ones, from headers to volleys. Unfortunately the majority fell to WHAM who were true to one of the lines from ‘wake me up before you go-go’ which is, “I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high!” The problem was they did miss it, and at times it was high…and wide.  With the Nomads keeper making one unorthodox save after another, there was slight fear that it could be ‘one of those days’. That fear increased when the posts were preventing the goals on the few occasions the keeper wasn’t.  With little under 10 minutes remaining of the half, the Shooters were awarded a very soft and fortunate penalty. The team collectively sighed with relief as they were presented with a glorious opportunity to make that all-important breakthrough. Step up Niall ‘Pedo Kennedy’ Gibson. Inspired by the captain’s armband that he had stolen without anyone else noticing, Niall took it upon himself to show WHAM how it’s done. Instead he provided a defender’s version of the previous attempts on goal by sending his ‘shot’ wide of the left post leaving the Scotsman red-faced, much like the time when he was first exposed to the sun during a caravan holiday in Bognor Regis.  

Half time arrived with the Shooters perplexed and bemused by the 0-0 scoreline.

A few more opportunities were squandered before Phil Schofield/ Fabrizio Ravanelli/ the ‘White Feather’ finally broke the deadlock with a fine strike.

The taller half of WHAM then doubled the league leaders’ advantage although too many chances had been missed for any personal celebrations to be enjoyed.

Any hint of a change in fortunes for the test-tube striker were quickly put to bed as he hit the underside of the bar from barely six-yards out before Zippy rose like an overweight salmon to head in the rebound.

Mexico’s most punctual export (Hector) then scored the goal of the game after bringing a bouncing ball under control before drilling it into the far corner.

There was still time for the other half of WHAM to finally find the net, sliding in from a couple of feet out. The modesty of the goal wasn’t enough to prevent Misalotovic from telling a certain Jew to go f**k himself – something Nick Rose rarely needs any encouragement in.

Further chances were created and missed as the full-time whistle drew nearer.
But there was still time for Dave to have a hissy fit over the acceptance of his apology after he accidentally drew blood from one of the Nomads’ players. The central midfielder from LANDAN tried to say sorry to the poor Kazak player who frustrated by the scoreline was in no mood to further discuss the incident.

It was announced today, that Big Bamboo, the premier sports and entertainment venue in Shanghai, will be the new main sponsor of the SIFL's most successful team, Shanghai Shooters AFC.

The team will now be known as Big Bamboo Shanghai Shooters AFC, and with the help of Big Bamboo Founder and CEO, Bryce Jenner, the club hope it will be the beginning of another era of dominance not only in Shanghai, but Asia amateur football.

Club Chairman, John Jofre, said "This new 3 year deal will allow us to concentrate solely on the playing side, and manager Roland Broughton will now have the resources to strengthen the squad. Shanghai Shooters AFC has always been at the forefront of the game off the pitch as well as on it and this partnership is another example of that. We look forward to helping Big Bamboo promote their brand in the SIFL and in Asia on our infamous tours!"

Shooters Legends ...

Friday, February 10
Team Mates
So what do we think of our team mates? Well I have collected all your answers to the below questions, and we have come up with the following:-


Most Intelligent - Jon Best

Least Intelligent - Jing Shen/Sam Woollard

Best Trainer - Brian Wallace

Quickest Player - Jon Grant

Most Skilful - Claus Borregaard

Hard Man - Andre Arndt

Biggest Joker - David Barr/Jimmy Allen

Biggest Moaner - Jon Grant

Worst Dress Sense - Justin Malley/Nick Rose

Longest in the Shower - Bertrand Etoundi!!


Sunday, April 24
Shooters sponsor horse race!!!
Result of Shanghai Shooters Handicap Hurdle:-

4.00 SHANGHAI SHOOTERS FC HANDICAP HURDLE

1st 2/1 Fav (4) Ladalko (FR) £2.80 £2.00
2nd 4/1 (5) Basilea Star (IRE)   £3.30
3rd 10/3 (2) Paddy The Piper (IRE)   
4th 16/1 (6) Overstrand (IRE)   

Off 4:05 7 Ran
Distances - 1L , 2 ½L , shd , 12L , 9L
Trainer - P Nicholls
Jockey - R Walsh
Owner - Mr Paul K Barber & Mrs M Findlay
CSF - £10.34

Taken from Scottish Newspaper.

AN exiled Ayrshireman living in China has secured the first ever race sponsorship offered on eBay by a British racecourse.
Ayr United fan John Jofre paid £2,550 to sponsor the handicap hurdle race immediately after the Scottish Grand National at Ayr.
There were 29 bids in a lively auction but John, originally from Dreghorn, finally won the day.
And he has named the race after the football team he formed in Shanghai more than six years ago.
It will be called the Shanghai Shooters FC Handicap Hurdle.
John is the son of former SNP MSP Kay Ullrich and has lived in Shanghai for 12 years and is Asia Managing Director of packaging company Portola.
He said: "I'm just delighted to have won the auction. I started up the Shooters in 1998 as a fun social team but with more and more expats arriving in Shanghai over the years, the quality of the team increased greatly.
In 2004 we won everything in our own domestic league and also won four international tournaments out of four in Manila, Phuket, Bangkok and China.
Due to this we have been invited to take part in the Hong Kong 7s in May when we will be up against Man Utd, Arsenal, Aston Villa, PSV Eindhoven, Rangers and Celtic and pro teams from Japan and Hong Kong.
I decided to try and get our little team some profile before this huge tournament and when I seen this opportunity to sponsor a horse race I thought what a cool idea".


Wednesday, December 10
Is There a Shooter in Hiding in South America??
Is this John Jofre, Steven Brierley or Daniel Craig???

José Manuel Moreno

Charro means cowboy in Uruguay, though José Manuel Moreno was Argentine. Never mind. The facts show that he was indeed a phenomenal goal-scorer but the most interesting, and most incontestable, legacy he left concerns the eternal question: whether sex on the night before a big match is a good or a bad idea. Cowboy Moreno actually took the question a little further. With him the question was begged whether whoring, dancing, drinking heavily and going to bed at 5am on the night before a game was conducive to peak performance on the park next day.

The answer was a resounding yes, in his case. So much so that once, for a lark, he experimented with no sex, no dancing and not getting completely ratted on the night before a match. He even forsook his customary pre-match bottle of red wine at lunchtime. The experiment was a predictable disaster. He played the worst game of his life.

Ah, but yes, the traditionalists out there might say, bet he didn't last too long in the game, though. Wrong, he did. He played 20 years of first division football, in Colombia and all over South America. He even came out of retirement once when he was 45. As Eduardo Galeano recalls in his delightful book, Football in Sun and Shadow , he was coaching Medellín in a Libertadores Cup game (South America's European Cup) against Boca Juniors. Medellín were 1-0 down at half time. So he changed into his football kit, came on for the second half, scored two goals and his team won.


Tuesday, January 6
PhysioRoom.Com

Shanghai Shooters	2	Ian Lee (No Foreskin 2 Weeks) Mike Tsesmelis (Pick Any Injury From PhysioRoom.Com!! [no return date])
Everton	6	Wright (knee 1 week) Nyarko (broken foot 1 month) Watson (thigh strain 1 week) Gravesen (knee 1 week) Stubbs (groin 1 week) Ferguson (bruised foot 1 week)
Leicester City	6	Jones (back 3 weeks) Sinclair (hamstring strain 1 week) Howey (hamstring strain 1 week) Curtis (thigh 1 week) Scimeca (shin [no return date]) Thatcher (calf 1 week)
Liverpool	6	Baros (broken ankle 1 week) Carragher (broken leg 2 months) Owen (thigh 1 week) Diao (ankle 3 weeks) Kirkland (fractured finger 1 month) Gerrard (thigh strain 1 week)

                                

Tuesday, April 29
Daft Lad From Doncaster
by: Hands Of Stone   

There was a doughnut from the north,
A place that smells and everyone looks like Morph.
He had this fuzz on his face,
he thought it was cool and all the girls would give chase.
But instead he was caught by a girl named Roger,
who was from Thailand and had a large todger.
Distracted by the love that grew,
our Flemish friend finally knew.
For hanging with the homos may be a dream come true,
Football is something for which he had no clue.
Dwelling at the bottom of the pit is where you have been,
One good week does not warrant a loud scene.
So away with your threats and claims to things you own.
Dont dream of success, because first you have to deal with the Hands Of Stone.


Monday, May 26
Quality!!!
Sounds like one of Peter Grant's toys for Amy!!!