Shanghai Shooters AFC: News
City Weekend Interview with Shanghai Shooter Gaffer on 2012-2013 season
City Weekend's Andrew Chin sat down with Shooter manager Zippy to discuss the Big Bamboo Shanghai Shooters' chances for the 2012-2013 season and if he understands American English.
Check out the interview here at:
Tuesday, April 10
Five goals, five different scorers and “you can’t be offside from a throw-in!”
Shooters 5 – 0 Reunited
A decent number of players took to the bus in the morning including a token female supporter. Ravenelli’s Sasha, who at one point on the journey took up a position on the White feather’s lap that left timekeeper Hector and Two-metre Peter far from comfortable in the back, came along for the ‘Shooters experience’.
In all fairness though discussions about ‘the gentleman’s club’ and animal porn was either going to send her to a disgusted state of sub-consciousness or be mildly turned on by Puckett’s recap of a video he once saw of a man shagging a goat. In response to that bit of interesting information Two-metre questioned why someone would shag an animal that sounds like it’s mocking you? But the greatest revelation was when posed with the question, “How long does it (the video) go on for?” Puckett said, “Not that long, about four minutes.”
After the subject of animal porn had been drawn out enough to distract the passengers from a copious amount of traffic it was decided that the team should get dressed on the bus. Poor Sasha was finding more reasons to never come and watch a Shooters game again and a ball hadn’t even been kicked yet!
Most of the team were able to get changed on the bus but Two-metre struggled in the back corner. Such was the lack of space that shifting a bollock was seen to be an achievement.
It turned out not to be an issue once the team arrived because Reunited were yet to show and apparently 20 minutes behind. In that time the league leaders were able to properly change and make sandcastles in the centre of the pitch.
Prior to kick-off the gaffer, who turned 35 on Thursday and officially became cranky and rapey, gathered the team to show off his latest bit of kit – further proof that he is the only one with a dick in the team, or at least one without a spot on the end of it (Jacques Sparrow). The new technology made explaining the tactics far easier for those without an imagination who appreciate a birds-eye view of a pitch with the occasional addition of arrows as to where to run/score. However, the technology provided a distraction that required Zippy to be prompted into naming the starting XI – something that may be deemed essential.
The game kicked off and there were specific instructions given to the defence, which included the Danish Jeremy Clarkson and the returning ‘I-hurt-my-knee-once’ Banksy. The scouse lad was told to man-mark danger man Steve who is one of the league’s top scorers. It was an instruction carried out with great aplomb, rightfully earning Bansky the man of the match vote from his teammates at Big Bamboo.
Ten minutes in the gaffer suddenly felt his cranky, rapey age as his back stiffened up leaving him little choice but to leave the field/beach.
A tentative and tight opening - much like the gaffer approaching a virgin in Geisha post-snarly rapey state - saw few chances created. But those that were more often than not fell to the league leaders as Reunited’s main threat was well marshalled throughout.
Eventually the breakthrough came when a series of rebounds saw the ball end up in the back of the net with Herpes claiming the goal. It was the breakthrough that on the balance of play the Shooters deserved and from there they never looked back.
Soon after, the lead was doubled via a counter-attack that involved Two-metre and Azzizou with the ball landing at the feet of Chlamydia to stroke the ball home.
The half-time team talk was techno-less but there was an enlightening statement that, “The most dangerous lead to have apart from losing is 2-0!” Cheers Zip, glad someone’s on the ball. Basically the team had to go out and get a third sooner rather than later.
The second half began and the Shooters carried on from where they left off.
That all-important third goal arrived when Syphilis scored a rebound following Two-metre’s ‘I-can’t-be-buggered-to-run-anymore-so-I’m-going-to-swing-my-leg’ shot, which came back off the crossbar.
The fourth was scored after good work by Ravenelli down the left led to him picking out Beautiful Kevin (Jacques Sparrow) at the far post and claim his first goal of the game.
A few subs were made with the game all but tied up. However, the clean sheet was nearly ruined by an unwillingness to award a free kick when Steve pushed Banksy allowing him to run through on goal. Fortunately, Banners came to the rescue to make a great save and protect the clean sheet.
As the game slowly came to an end there was an opportunity for one of the Shooters (Kully) to reveal a secret rule. According to the team’s rules of the game aficionado, you can’t be offside from a throw-in! After making such a call/ whisper so the other team couldn’t hear, Azzizou, who was preparing to take the throw, could only laugh. On a positive note, at least the team have a go to guy for any uncertainties over the rules of the game!
Later on Jacques Sparrow was denied a stonewall penalty which left him with a suspected sprained thumb. The beautiful Frenchman was obviously distraught because that was the thumb he stuck up his arse and those of the poor unsuspecting women that so regularly fell foul to the lure of his spotty dick. Danger Dave who had earlier been compared to a young Don King, was sensitive enough to escort Beautiful Kevin off the pitch despite there being nothing wrong with his legs! Puckett’s angry/jealous barometer was reaching boiling point at this stage.
There was just enough time for another sub, Jacky Chan, to score a fifth and put the icing on the cake. The Rush Hour legend broke through an inexistent defence via some encouragement from his teammates before doing a ‘Walcott’ and retrieving a heavy touch to then clip the ball over the advancing goalkeeper who looked a lot like Spanish legend Andoni Zubizarreta?
The Shooters maintained their unbeaten run as they look to win all of their remaining fixtures so to ensure the league is won. This game was the first of a difficult run but such a solid performance bodes well for the next game against the French!
Would you shag Dot Cotton?
The Jew can shake it like Beyonce.
Two Shooters one girl.
The journey back to Big Bamboo witnessed a debate over which Eastenders character would you shag? The options that were overheard included Pat Butcher, Peggy Mitchell (version 2002), Dot Cotton and Sonia. Yet another interesting and insightful discussion to poison Sasha’s ears who at this point must be seriously concerned about Ravenelli’s association with the Shooters!
Back at Big Bamboo there was the traditional handing out of Long Island iced teas to those nominated man of the match by the team and opposition. Banksy won the team’s vote while Ravenelli won the opposition’s – largely because he never left the field with a booboo thumb!
It was also discovered that the Jew had left the kit on the bus, although he’ll tell you otherwise before citing how many times he’s appeared for the Shooters.
Fines were dished out so to meet this week’s quota which included the following:
- Fedj for training with the Germans
- Fedj for pissing in the kitchen sink
- Fedj for wearing sunglasses inside Bar 88
- Two-metre for turning down a Belgian cougar
- Kully for revealing the rule no one knew
- The Jew for dribbling last Sunday when becoming progressively drunk during the Spurs v Swansea game.
Later on the belated Birthday and Lecoq’s record celebrations were held, starting at Big Bamboo. After watching Sunderland and Tottenham play out a bore draw that led the Jew to declare, “That’s an hour and a half I’ll never get back!” the party went to Mi Tierra for some tacos and tequila – a party kindly organised by Mr Yeah-I’ve-got-a-knife-in-my-belt-and-what? (Carlos).
Beautiful Kevin, disguised as Patrice from the Inbetweeners, tried it on with the gaffer’s mate who Zippy kindly informed/confirmed that her arse had got bigger when she headed for the ladies room/***ter. Such a gent.
Danger Dave continued to have references made related to the colour of his skin including the re-emergence of Salt-N-Pepa. This ‘forced’ the Jew to perform his impression of a black woman shaking her junk in the trunk leading to a chorus of laughter and a disturbing image firmly planted in the memories of those who saw it.
Mikel was exploiting his ‘nice guy’ label within the team by tipping the odd shot of vodka and/or tequila into Danger Dave’s drink before s***ing like a child.
Kevin considered pissing out of the internal window on to the people downstairs before realising it isn’t an Akon concert while Puckett got described as ‘cute’ by Zippy’s mate who stated that she liked “how he gets worked up by everything.” Jesus.
Geisha followed and Zippy’s rapey snarl naturally arrived but was less prominent this week as he was often snuggled up in the booth like a horny-teenager at a beach party. Kevin spoke to every girl or rather every girl spoke to Kevin. He would later don a green curly haired wig, which Puckett would no doubt claim, “Only he can get away with that!”
Ravenelli cracked out his garage inspired dance move while desperately awaiting fellow drunk Fedja to arrive. Fedja did arrive at 3 a.m. despite texting his better half who doesn’t piss in the kitchen sink that he will be “there soon” at 11.30 p.m. His better half was lost without the concern of his flatmates whereabouts throughout the night that he resorted to nodding and smiling with the opposite sex. He also made a brief appearance in the infamous bathtub because a girl with a pulse was in it.
Kully later took the term ‘cock block’ to the extreme by throwing a quick jab at Two-metre’s genitals. It was the first target he hit all day.
Azzizou got at least one girl’s phone number at the discothèque before heading elsewhere with scooter friend Lecoq. Fedja then got the same girl’s phone number after his late arrival providing another perk to being sober and a bit of a people watcher/ stalker.
For some the night ended as daylight arrived on Sunday. Fedja managed to get lost on his way home despite telling the taxi driver his address. Two-metre spotted him from the flat’s window at 6 a.m. and shouted for him to come home. Once he got him on the phone Fedja thought Two-metre was telling him to get a taxi before eventually realising that the voice he thought was in his head was actually his flatmate hanging out the window. This prompted a five-minute stare and chuckle before the Croat jogged to the flat, got tucked up in bed and had his bedtime story read.
Yet another day of football, insults, abuse, alcohol and team bonding that separates the Shooters from any other team in the league. Here’s to more of the same next week!
Friday, September 2
Big Bamboo Sponsor Shanghai Shooters AFC
It was announced today, that Big Bamboo, the premier sports and entertainment venue in Shanghai, will be the new main sponsor of the SIFL's most successful team, Shanghai Shooters AFC.
The team will now be known as Big Bamboo Shanghai Shooters AFC, and with the help of Big Bamboo Founder and CEO, Bryce Jenner, the club hope it will be the beginning of another era of dominance not only in Shanghai, but Asia amateur football.
Club Chairman, John Jofre, said "This new multi-year deal will allow us to concentrate solely on the playing side, and manager Roland Broughton will now have the resources to strengthen the squad. Shanghai Shooters AFC has always been at the forefront of the game off the pitch as well as on it and this partnership is another example of that. We look forward to helping Big Bamboo promote their brand in the SIFL and in Asia on our infamous tours!"
Friday, November 20
Shooters Win Manila 6's - The Lazza Report (click here for full report)
Shooters Legends ...
Thursday, September 17
Snooker Stars Drink With Shooters
The last time the international snookers stars were in Shanghai, the Shooters had their home at the Longbar. That was a long time ago, but they still managed to find us. Former world champion Ken Doherty even had the cheek to steal our table!!! Thanks for dropping by Ken and good luck to you in the future.
Friday, February 10
So what do we think of our team mates? Well I have collected all your answers to the below questions, and we have come up with the following:-
Most Intelligent - Jon Best
Least Intelligent - Jing Shen/Sam Woollard
Best Trainer - Brian Wallace
Quickest Player - Jon Grant
Most Skilful - Claus Borregaard
Hard Man - Andre Arndt
Biggest Joker - David Barr/Jimmy Allen
Biggest Moaner - Jon Grant
Worst Dress Sense - Justin Malley/Nick Rose
Longest in the Shower - Bertrand Etoundi!!
Sunday, April 24
Shooters sponsor horse race!!!
Result of Shanghai Shooters Handicap Hurdle:-
4.00 SHANGHAI SHOOTERS FC HANDICAP HURDLE
1st 2/1 Fav (4) Ladalko (FR) £2.80 £2.00
2nd 4/1 (5) Basilea Star (IRE) £3.30
3rd 10/3 (2) Paddy The Piper (IRE)
4th 16/1 (6) Overstrand (IRE)
Off 4:05 7 Ran
Distances - 1L , 2 ½L , shd , 12L , 9L
Trainer - P Nicholls
Jockey - R Walsh
Owner - Mr Paul K Barber & Mrs M Findlay
CSF - £10.34
Taken from Scottish Newspaper.
AN exiled Ayrshireman living in China has secured the first ever race sponsorship offered on eBay by a British racecourse.
Ayr United fan John Jofre paid £2,550 to sponsor the handicap hurdle race immediately after the Scottish Grand National at Ayr.
There were 29 bids in a lively auction but John, originally from Dreghorn, finally won the day.
And he has named the race after the football team he formed in Shanghai more than six years ago.
It will be called the Shanghai Shooters FC Handicap Hurdle.
John is the son of former SNP MSP Kay Ullrich and has lived in Shanghai for 12 years and is Asia Managing Director of packaging company Portola.
He said: "I'm just delighted to have won the auction. I started up the Shooters in 1998 as a fun social team but with more and more expats arriving in Shanghai over the years, the quality of the team increased greatly.
In 2004 we won everything in our own domestic league and also won four international tournaments out of four in Manila, Phuket, Bangkok and China.
Due to this we have been invited to take part in the Hong Kong 7s in May when we will be up against Man Utd, Arsenal, Aston Villa, PSV Eindhoven, Rangers and Celtic and pro teams from Japan and Hong Kong.
I decided to try and get our little team some profile before this huge tournament and when I seen this opportunity to sponsor a horse race I thought what a cool idea".
Wednesday, December 10
Is There a Shooter in Hiding in South America??
Is this John Jofre, Steven Brierley or Daniel Craig???
José Manuel Moreno
Charro means cowboy in Uruguay, though José Manuel Moreno was Argentine. Never mind. The facts show that he was indeed a phenomenal goal-scorer but the most interesting, and most incontestable, legacy he left concerns the eternal question: whether sex on the night before a big match is a good or a bad idea. Cowboy Moreno actually took the question a little further. With him the question was begged whether whoring, dancing, drinking heavily and going to bed at 5am on the night before a game was conducive to peak performance on the park next day.
The answer was a resounding yes, in his case. So much so that once, for a lark, he experimented with no sex, no dancing and not getting completely ratted on the night before a match. He even forsook his customary pre-match bottle of red wine at lunchtime. The experiment was a predictable disaster. He played the worst game of his life.
Ah, but yes, the traditionalists out there might say, bet he didn't last too long in the game, though. Wrong, he did. He played 20 years of first division football, in Colombia and all over South America. He even came out of retirement once when he was 45. As Eduardo Galeano recalls in his delightful book, Football in Sun and Shadow , he was coaching Medellín in a Libertadores Cup game (South America's European Cup) against Boca Juniors. Medellín were 1-0 down at half time. So he changed into his football kit, came on for the second half, scored two goals and his team won.
Tuesday, January 6
Club Injuries Players
Shanghai Shooters 2 Ian Lee (No Foreskin 2 Weeks) Mike Tsesmelis (Pick Any Injury From PhysioRoom.Com!! [no return date]) Everton 6 Wright (knee 1 week) Nyarko (broken foot 1 month) Watson (thigh strain 1 week) Gravesen (knee 1 week) Stubbs (groin 1 week) Ferguson (bruised foot 1 week) Leicester City 6 Jones (back 3 weeks) Sinclair (hamstring strain 1 week) Howey (hamstring strain 1 week) Curtis (thigh 1 week) Scimeca (shin [no return date]) Thatcher (calf 1 week) Liverpool 6 Baros (broken ankle 1 week) Carragher (broken leg 2 months) Owen (thigh 1 week) Diao (ankle 3 weeks) Kirkland (fractured finger 1 month) Gerrard (thigh strain 1 week)
Tuesday, April 29
Daft Lad From Doncaster
by: Hands Of Stone
There was a doughnut from the north,
A place that smells and everyone looks like Morph.
He had this fuzz on his face,
he thought it was cool and all the girls would give chase.
But instead he was caught by a girl named Roger,
who was from Thailand and had a large todger.
Distracted by the love that grew,
our Flemish friend finally knew.
For hanging with the homos may be a dream come true,
Football is something for which he had no clue.
Dwelling at the bottom of the pit is where you have been,
One good week does not warrant a loud scene.
So away with your threats and claims to things you own.
Dont dream of success, because first you have to deal with the Hands Of Stone.
Monday, May 26
Sounds like one of Peter Grant's toys for Amy!!!
Thursday, April 4
Snooker Stars Hit the Home of the Shooters
Recently, during the China Open Snooker tournament, the world's top stars visited the home of the Shooters. Each night, stars, such as, John Higgins, Ken Docherty, Steve Davis, Alan McManus, Tony Drago, and John Parrot, came to our 'gaff' to meet the world famous Shanghai Shooters. We, of course, welcomed them with open arms, and took their money in the infamous "Pick the last goalscorer" competition.
In the above picture, Parrot, McManus and Campbell are entertained by Jofre and Bell.