Guangzhou Tournament Review Stylish victory in final as Shambles take All-China Trophy. Inaugural All-China Pub Football Championships, Guangzhou, Sat 13th and Sun 14th Dec 2003. TOP SECRET Our top secret mission was to carry out some industrial espionage by familiarising ourselves with the products of Guangzhou breweries and distilleries and report on the ingredients to Chengdu HQ. The inaugural All-China Pub Football Championships was the ideal cover. Captain Carlos 'The Jackal' infiltrated enemy territory early on Friday afternoon and had soon set up a communications base. The main landing party was to follow under cover of darkness that evening. The secrecy of the mission, however, was in jeopardy almost from the start, leading many to suspect that the enemy had been leaked information about the arrival of the team known as 'The Shambles'. MYSTERY Mysteriously, our flight was delayed. This meant taking measures to avoid dehydration. Exhausted troops cannot possibly function effectively in the field. Medics Dave and Fernando quickly rustled up a first aid kit from the contents of the fridge of the airport shop. The response was immediate, and hearty singing showed that the team was in fine fettle. As a further precaution, bags of tinnies, sewn into the linings of our jackets, were also carried onto the aircraft. Even before take off it was clear that somebody, perhaps an enemy agent, had significantly lowered the humidity, and the precautions were duly taken. INCOGNITO Emerging into the airport lounge, posing as an inebriated football team, the troops immediately blended into the background. On arrival, the eleven-strong main force was met with an icebox of beer. Our local resistance contact had really come up trumps. The team burst into Spanish and French song, almost avoiding virtually all stunned, gawping, wide-eyed attention from the entire population of the arrivals area. BASE ESTABLISHED Having set ourselves up in secret locations near our vital contact point, codenamed 'The Elephant and Castle' near the city centre, we went out on an undercover reconnaissance sortie. The planners of the next mission may want to note that playing touch rugby against a group of kilted and topless Brits and Aussies on a spotlit pitch may not be the best way to remain incognito, but the footy match that followed showed off the team's amazing ability to blend in, as they pretended to be horribly drunk and really bad at football. They were so bad that Mark scored their only two goals - a savoury ironic touch. BOSLEY AND CHARLIE'S ANGELS The sight of Thierry at breakfast did not bode well for the match. One of our key players was looking seriously off-colour, unless pale green is a healthy hue. Waiting for the bus in the blazing sunshine, our alert, superfit team maintained the air of an extremely hungover group of lager louts with breath almost as offensive as their language. Reinforcements had parachuted in early on Saturday morning, led by Colonel Peter "Bosley" Cao- Snow, accompanied by the Angels - Lieutenants Bin Bin, Isabel and Sally. TASTY OPPOSITION Cautiously slouching by the side of the road, we commented that the equipe from Shanghai were looking "just a touch useful." They even seemed to eat dinner and drink in formations designed to encourage strategic teamwork. After a lengthy ride to the pitch, we arrived at the pitch to find that the match should have started 30 minutes before our time of arrival. As the Gallic opposition warmed up with organized stretching and jogging routines, the Shamrock Shambles staggered and tottered onto the pitch to take up their positions. "Where the Hell am I playing?" and, "Oh no, I feel awful," were our war cries (who needs the Haka?), calculated to send a shiver of terror into enemy hearts. RESPECTABLE RESULT A 4-1 defeat to the eventual winners (by 3-0 in the final) was a very respectable result. Level (1-1) at half-time, both teams seemed bemused. It was clear that the Shanghai team possessed some skilful and determined individuals and a great sense of team spirit, but the Shambles had esprit de corps to spare. After a shaky start in which several chances went begging, the Greens put together a generally effective defensive formation and threatened the opposition's goal on several occasions. Cool, collected Fernando stroked home the hard(ly?)-won penalty to restore parity after a Shanghai attack which had ripped open the Chengdu defences. The second half was a game of two halves, nearly. 15 minutes after the break, the side from the east coast metropolis were visibly starting fret about the result, with various signs of anxiety bubbling to the surface. However, with an hour's play gone, Shanghai finally made their superior skill and organization tell, coolly accelerating to 4-1, booking their thoroughly deserved place in the final. VICTORY We did win a trophy, though. The Shamrock Shambles are the holders of the winners' trophy for the Inaugural All-China Pub Football Championship Beer Boat Race Competition. There may well have been some slight irregularities in the first round, but in the strictly refereed final, David, owner of the pub, produced an astonishing anchor leg (anchor oesophagus?) to secure victory for us. Much merriment ensued, until we had to get up at 8:30, to recount blurry memories of Fernando hopping across the stage on a stool, Lever and Squire leading the dance troupe, a certain teacher hoovering up any available beer, Thierry cooling off just a little too much and nearly becoming acquainted with the local constabulary, and Carl's statesmanlike speech to CBBSFEDDF (the Congress of Brazilian-Style-Food-Eating-Drunken-Dancing- Footballers). FATIGUE On Sunday, as expected, we were somewhat tired and the 10:30 kick off time was a touch cruel. Our 8-1 defeat to the Beijing team (all of whom seemed to be able to play well - who let them into the competition?) was not quite as bad as it looks, but very nearly. The Beijingers continued to pass the ball around and play structured, cultured and attractive football. Some ball-hogging antics up front kept their score in single figures. Most of us were as awful as we had been superb the previous night, although Giggsy, Foxy, Kevin and Andy L. (after a 15-minute comic cameo of an opening spell) put in excellent performances. Kevin fired home the ball for a goal which left the rather miserably unsporting opposition goalie fumbling for excuses, which made the goal even more satisfying. Not even Carl's earlier superb goalkeeping could match the excellence of Kevin's emphatic strike. Our celebrations were appropriately mild- mannered and dignified. The grandstand crowd went wild, or would have done, if it had consisted of more than one old bloke soaking up the sunshine. MISSION SUMMARY The mission was a complete success, a fact which the audio diary (not available in reputable retailers) confirms. Brilliantly disguised as a sports team, the Shambles familiarized themselves with any liquid refreshment they came vaguely close to, and won a trophy in the process. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS A hearty "well played," goes to all those Shambles people who helped get the show on the road, and our valiant travelling supporters and back-up team. Massive thanks went and go to Duncan and all other organizers of the tournament, and to the many people there who helped us out. It was a great event and we look forward to the Chengdu sequel in April. The lads done tremendous.