A Tale of Four Halves
(a two-act play featuring a number of intriguing lines)

The Cast

Andy L. 	.................	Blasfemus, a Mancunian Ruffian
Anon	(x3)	.................	Tremendous Players
Aynsley	.................	Gentleman Stilt walker
Ben		.................	Brutus, a Dashing Charmer
Fernando	.................	Wandering Performance Artist, and Central Figure
Fox		.................	Artful Dodger
Giggs		.................	Ryan Giggs
Kevin		.................	Oliver Twist
Kristen	.................	Guardian Angel
Mark		.................	Falstaff
Matt		.................	Moustachioed Bouncer
Nat		.................	Thierry Henry's leg double
Norman	.................	General "Storming Norman" Schwarzkopf
Peter		.................	The Mine Clearer
Roger		.................	Captain "Bluebeard Bob" Marley
Thierry	................. Sallacius, a Gallic Aggressor
Udi 		.................	Nippius, the Slippery Character
Further Anon.................	The Veritable Opposition (22 of them)
(and on Anon?)
Apologies	.................	To Those Forgotten Ones.


The Place: 	A secret magical garden, just off Chengdu 1st Ring Road.
The Time:	A crisp and sunny Sunday afternoon, 26th October 2003.


Act One, Scene One
It was the best of times, and it was very nearly the worst of times...


... but for some spirited digging in by the 
Shambles, who bestrode the field in 
confident mood for their first encounter 
with the marauding band of Alcatelians.  
Their sworn duty was not only to defend 
their honour, but also to do battle for the 
right to avoid paying the pitch fee.  

First Blood
The clash was even for the first twenty 
minutes, although goalkeeper Matt was 
forced into some stage acrobatics which 
delighted the audience, until an unlikely 
international artistic collaboration paid 
dividends for the Shambles.  Thierry, 
aflame with hunger for the fight, took 
the ball into the telephonic Trojans' 
inner palisade, only to invite his unlikely 
ally to complete the mission.  Roger, 
sporting a pirate 'kerchief surrounding 
his superb dreadlocks, raised the skull 
and crossbones and fired off amidships 
before the enemy had the chance to turn. 
Rambeau
Soon after, energetically pumping 
through the defence in his 
muscle-bulging red socks, the Gallic 
Aggressor was at the heart of the action 
again, heading to Roger, whose header 
left the opposition gatekeeper unable to 
prevent a further breach of their 
defences.


Fluffed lines
Just as the hearty bunch of lads seemed 
to have scuppered the enemy fleet, 
disaster struck in their home port, as the 
authoritative and downright handsome 
Matt, custodian of our beloved sticks, 
was fooled by a dastardly trick.  Not 
even the greatest strategic genius could 
have predicted such a cunning ploy as to 
paint a five-a-side pitch in place of the 
goalkeeper's area. Innocent to the bone, 
Matt indulged in some unfortunate 
illegal handling. Dear reader, you can 
well imagine the exasperation of our 
hearty players when the Greek Chorus 
intervened, in the form of the referee, to 
award a kick of the most direct kind to 
the opposition.  Not even Matthew's 
manful manual manoeuvres were 
sufficient to parry such a low blow.

Right on cue
However, a swift response was in store 
for our plucky opposition.  Ben, 
revelling in the physical confrontation of 
the encounter, struck home into the 
corner from a sharp angle, ensuring a 
restful interval for our noble band of 
troubadours.  The director, perhaps 
searching for a visual symbol of the 
halfway point of the slick drama, chose 
to treat us to an exposed pair of spotty 
Spanish buttocks - a memorable 
moment. (No 'craic' jokes, please.)


Act One, Scene Two
There was little of surprise for this critic in terms of plot development, as the 
Shambles went on to secure an overwhelming victory. A number of 
performances and a few delicious cameos are noteworthy.



Mick Jagger told me not to namedrop
Defender Kristen was reliably solid, 
initiating some lively exchanges with the 
Shambles midfield.  Falstaffian Mark, 
returning from a spell in an unknown 
field hospital, belched and bellowed his 
drunken way through the second half 
from just offstage, providing predictably 
crude comic relief.  Peter's gazelle-like 
grace and hard-as-nails determination 
sealed yet a watertight performance - he 
cut off many an incisive attack.  Andy 
"What the fock wuz tha'?" Lever was 
felled by a neatly cut sandwich 
combination and did not swear - 
certainly a new, more subdued role for 
this otherwise feisty artist.


Nat steals the show
Fresh from shooting Nike ads in 
Monsieur Henry's absence, Nat's nifty 
sporadic moves kept the defence moving 
forward.  Fernando grew more 
industrious in midfield, his passing 
asking occasionally tough questions of 
the opposition defence.  Aynsley "We 
Want" Moore was enjoying using his 
height advantage in his personal contest 
with a blue-and-yellow-garbed gent. 




Sparkling
Sir Norman Diamondgeezer was as solid 
in defence as ever, occasionally treating 
us to explosive bursts of pace.  Foxy was 
constantly making dangerous runs into 
the box.  The opposition were still 
threatening a dramatic change of 
plotline, however.  Their left winger sent 
in a pearler of a cross which their 
forward looped onto the bar.

Ryan Flies
The man they call Giggs then took the 
central role, with great support from 
Norm, who put him through to smash 
home a corker with his left from outside 
the box just twenty minutes after the 
restart.  Excelling in the space afforded 
him in left midfield, Giggsy waited 
another fifteen minutes to perform an 
encore, powering in a swerving ball from 
7 metres with his left foot.  Both goals 
were outstanding individual moments of 
the performance.  5-1 down, Alcatel 
were "Power Off" or at least in need of 
an upgrade, and the game fizzled out.  
The lads done tremendous.


Act Two, Scene One

Udi, the tricky skilful all-rounder turned 
in a fine performance in the second act, 
this time against a rather more 
professional-looking outfit, all in 
dazzling orange-themed costumes. Some 
of the Shambles players were clearly 
drained by their artistic efforts in the first 
act, but the deceptively tough and 
tenacious Kevin was there to provide 
more than adequate support, playing his 
usual tremendous game.  With 
gout-ridden Falstaff hobbling around in 
midfield, and the defence on vacation, 
the opposition quickly went 1-0 up, 
following up tight dialogue between 
their experienced midfield and strikers. 
Ben equalized, and then the Shambles 
defence knew they were not needed. The 
Shambles went 2-1 down very quickly.


Act Two, Scene Two

In the second half, Thierry got the goal 
he has so richly deserved for weeks now, 
knocking the ball in after Roger, putting 
dreads into heart of the opposition 
defence, had broken down the right side 
and put the ball over the advancing 
goalkeeper.
Referee Aynsley oozed the calm 
authority gleaned from years of teaching 
experience. Woe betide any of his 
students who say, "f#@*" to him - they 
would be threatened with a sending off 
for a second offence as one of the 
opposition midfielders was.  What a 
refreshing change to have a ref insist on 
clean language.
Norm was tightening up the defence 
now, but even he could not prevent the 
opposition from combining pace and 
accuracy to go 3-2 up.  The Shambles 
were about to go from comedy to 
tragedy until the final twist in the plot 
was provided by Roger, always 
searching for the 'X' that marks the spot 
where his treasured bounty lies - goals!  
He buried another one and the Shambles 
could breathe a sigh of relief after a 
period of anxious catharsis.  They 
thoroughly deserved the standing 
ovation they would have received if 
there had been an appreciative audience.
The lads done absolutely marvellous.

Results:
Shamrock v. Alcatel:  5 - 1
Shamrock v. "Orange Men": 3 - 3

(c) Frank Lee Desmond, 2003