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Who's on first? The script from Abbot and Costello
Whos On First By Abbott and Costello Abbott: Well Costello, Im going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager gave me a job as coach for as long as youre on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if youre the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: Right, certainly do. Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so youll have to tell me their names, and then Ill know whos playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, Ill tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and Costello: His brother Daffy? Abbott: Daffy Dean. Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofe. Abbott: Goofe Dean, oh I see! Well lets see, we have on the bags, we have Whos on first, Whats on second, and I Dont Know is on third. Costello: Thats what I want to find out. Abbott: I say, Whos on first, Whats on second, and I Dont Knows on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You going to be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you dont know the fellows names? Abbott: Well I should. Costello: Well then who is on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellows name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy playing first base. Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: Im asking you whos on first! Abbott: Thats the mans name. Costello: Thats whose name? Abbott: Yeah. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats who? Abbott: Yeah. (Pause) Costello: Look, you got a first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Whos playing first? Abbott: Thats right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All Im trying to find out is the fellows name on first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets the money. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Who gets the money on first base? Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whose wife? Abbott: Yes. (Pause) Whats wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign it? Abbott: Thats how he signs it! Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes. (Pause) Costello: All Im trying to find out is whats the guys name on first base. Abbott: No, whats on second base. Costello: Im not asking whos on second. Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well dont change the players around! Costello: Im not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: All Im asking you, whos the guy on first base?! Abbott: Thats right. Costello: Okay. Abbott: Alright. (Pause) Costello: Whats the guys name on first base?! Abbott: No, What is on second! Costello: Im not asking you whos on second! Abbott: Whos on first. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Oh, hes on third. Were not talking about him. Now lets get back to first. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Well you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third basemans name, who did I says playing third? Abbott: No, Whos playing first. Costello: Whats on first? Abbott: Whats on second. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Hes on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and dont go off it? Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know? Costello: Now whos playing third base?! Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third?! Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: You dont want who on second?! Abbott: No, Who is on first. Costello: I dont know! Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: Look, you got outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielders name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought Id ask you. Abbott: Well I just thought Id tell you. Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field. Abbott: Who is playing first. Costello: Im not Stay out of the infield! I want to know, whats the guys name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: Im not asking whos on second. Abbott: No, Who is on first. Costello: I dont know. Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: And left fielders name? Abbott: Why! Costello: Because. Abbott: No, hes center field. Costello: (Fumbles words loudly) Abbott: Well thats the fellows name. Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitchers name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You dont want to tell me today? Abbott: Im telling you then. Costello: Well go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me whos pitching? Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on Costello: Ill break your arm you say whos on first! I want to know, whats the pitchers name? Abbott: Whats on second! Costello: I dont know! Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: Got a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catchers name. Abbott: Today. Costello: Today? And tomorrows pitching? Abbott: Now youve got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, Im a catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrows pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who? Abbott: Now thats the first thing that youve said right. Costello: I dont even know what Im talking about! Abbott: Well thats all you have to do! Costello: Is throw the ball to first base? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now whos got it? Abbott: Naturally. (Pause) Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebodys got to get it. Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally? Abbott: No you dont! You throw the ball to Who! Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats different. Costello: Thats what I said. Abbott: Youre not saying that. Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally? Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats what I said! Abbott: Listen, you ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: You just changed them around. Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throws it to what, what throws it to I dont know, I dont know throws it back to tomorrow, triple play! Abbott: Yes. Costello: Another guy gets up, and its a long fly ball to because. Why? I dont know, hes on third, and I dont give a darn! Abbott: Oh What? Costello: I said, I dont give a darn! Abbott: Oh, thats our short stop. Costello: (Fumbles words loudly) |
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