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 Mavericks' Humor |
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Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By A Policeman
1. Aren't you the one of the guys from the Village People?2. Are You Andy or Barney? 3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 4. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 6. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Andy Rooney Quote:
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
Police Story
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Mavericks Fan
An eighth grade teacher in Whittier, California, explains to her class that she is a Firecracker fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Firecracker fans.Everyone in the class, wanting to appease the teacher, raises their hand, except one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Tracey, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Firecracker fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Firecracker fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Mavericks fan, and proud of it," Tracey replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Tracey, why are you a Mavericks fan?" "Because my Mom is a Mavericks fan, and my dad is a Mavericks fan, so I'm a Mavericks fan, too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Mavericks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Tracey smiled, "We'd be Firecracker fans."
Women's Rights In Iraq
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands.She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the woman.
Remember To Be A Good Sport
During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship. The coach ask the player if she knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was. The player replied yes. The coach then ask her if she knew she shouldn't curse at the umpire or throw things in anger. The player again replied yes."Good," said the coach, "Now could you please go tell your father."
Dental Work
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
The Bible
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.""What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the youngboy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
A Blonde's Pets
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde "They're watch dogs."
She Was Soooooo Blonde:
She was soooooo blond...When the pilot said the flight would be arriving late she moved from coach to first class so she could arrive a little earlier.She returned to her original seat, however, when the flight attendant explained that first class was going to a different destination.
Advertising Signs
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"******************************************** At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
For the girls, especially the blondes!
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?A. So men can remember them.
Not a couch potato!
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Almost Won!
At least our team is trying to win a game. Coach went out and set up our new pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat us 4-1.
The Hunted!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
How many words?
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Silly Statements
1. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."2. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." 3. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
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