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1.Softball Riddle?? |
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| What do Real Estate and softball pitchers have in common?? Location,Location,Location. |
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2.What is a runner's main goal once they reach base? |
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| Answer. To score-No! To distract and annoy the pitcher and catcher as much as possible!!! |
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3.What do successful people and coaches have in common? |
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| Answer-"absolutely nothing" |
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4.I Need The Ice |
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| A softball coach went to see a Psychiatrist recently. The coach tried to explain that he was really there bacause of his wife. The Psychiatrist asked "what's wrong with your wife?" "She thinks she's a refrigerator" replied the coach. "Why don't you have her committed" asked the Psychiatrist. "I would but I need the ice!" |
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5.Thanks for the Yellow Tie! |
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| Not too long ago,a softball coach was given a yellow tie on his birthday by his team. After a puzzeled look the coach gave a toothy grin and asked "what's with the yellow tie?" "We thought it matched your teeth" said the team! |
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6.College Softball Coaches |
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| What is the difference between a college softball coach and recreational coaches? College coaches get paid for standing around! |
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7.Softball in Heaven |
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5/21/2003 2:11pm |
| Two FP softball players had been friends all their lives,one the catcher and the other the pitcher. The two players were now very old and it seems the catcher was now on her death bed. Her long-time friend, the pitcher said to her dying catcher "I need for you to do me one more favor before you pass on." "What now?" said the catcher. "After you die and go to heaven you must get word back to me as soon as possible and let me know if there is softball in heaven!" "So be it" said the catcher as she passed on. Several nights passed when the pitcher was awakened from a deep sleep and saw the ghost of her catcher at the foot of the bed. The catcher/ghost told her old friend,"I have good news and bad news!" The pitcher asked "what's the good news?" "There is softball in heaven!" replied the catcher. "The bad news is that you are supposed to start tomorrow!" |
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8.Advice from Lisa Fernandez |
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| When several slow-pitch players asked Lisa Fernandez recently about some advice regarding their game, she replied, "Quit while you still can." |
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9.Dot Richardson on Golf vs Softball |
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| Dot Richardson was overheard once telling a teamate that one reason she favors softball over golf is "when I hit the ball, I want someone else to chase it!" |
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10.Michelle Smith on becoming a pitcher |
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| When asked why she switched from being a catcher to a pitcher, Michelle Smith reportedly replied, "When I started to throw the ball back to the pitcher harder than she was throwing to me, we changed positions!" |
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11.Coach Mike Candrea on Diapers |
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| Legendary softball coach Mike Candrea(Univ of Arizona) on how he learned to fold diapers,"You cross first base over to third base and home plate to second." |
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12.Puppy vs Parent |
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| What is the difference between a softball parent and a puppy? A puppy will eventually stop whining! (credit link fastball) |
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13.Screw in a light bulb |
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| How many travel softball parents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Impossible! They are too busy complaining about their daughter's playing time! (Thanks to Travel Ball) |
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14.Chicken on the field |
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| What did the umpires yell when the chicken ran onto the field? Answer "FOWL" |
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15.Softball Field-riddle |
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| What goes all the way around the softball field but never moves? "The fence" |
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16.Running from 2B to 3B |
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| Why does it seem to take longer to run from 2B to 3B than it does 1B to 2B? There's a shortstop between 2B and 3B! |
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17.Closing the softball field |
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| When the coach asked why the softball field was closed, he was told "2 blondes in the bleachers drowned while doing the wave!" |
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18.Softball players are Cool! |
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| Why are softball players so cool? Because they always have their fans! |
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19.Team motto |
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| The new team motto, "The Lebanon Intimidators, where excellence meets absurdity." |
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20.Nuns in the Bleachers |
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| During a softball tournament, the were three parents sitting behind some nuns who were blocking their view. The first parent said "I wish we were in Gallatin because they have only 15 nuns." The next parent said "I wish we were in Hendersonville, they have only 12 nuns." The last parent replies, "in Lebanon we have just 3 nuns." Finally, one aggravated nun turns around a tells the parents "I wish you were in heck-they don't have any nuns." |
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21.Being a good sport |
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| During the course of a heated softball tournament, a coach gently pulled aside a young player and reminded him about team play and cooperation. He asked if she knew what good sportsmanship was. She nodded her head. The coach then asked the player if she knew one shouldn't curse the umpire or throw things and again the girl nodded. "Good" said the coach, "now go tell your mother!" |
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22.A full Basement |
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| What do you call a basement full of softball parents? "A Whine cellar." |
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23.Cinderella |
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| Why did the coach kick Cinderella off the softball team? Because she ran from the ball! |
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24.Haven't missed a thing! |
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| In the fifth inning of a 0-0 softball game, the father of one of the pitchers just arrived to the park where his wife told him "you haven't missed a thing!" |
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25.Foreigners at a softball game |
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| Two foreigners recently went to a fastpitch softball game for the first time. After several innings, the wife turned to the husband and exclaimed "I don't understand softball at all!" "You don't have to" proclaimed the husband. "Everything is decided upon by a vampire!" |
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26.Michael Jackson's glove |
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| At a softball game, the opposing team's catcher was having a bad day with passed balls and errors. The home team's catcher was quite amused by this and asked "what does Michael Jackson and their catcher have in common? They both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason!" |
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27.How do you know if your coach is a redneck? |
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| You know your coach is a redneck when he thinks the last words of the national athem are "playball!" |
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28.Clean your room! |
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| After repeatedly asking his daughter to clean up her room, the frustrated father finally announced "If you don't clean your room right now you won't go to heaven!" The girl gave her father a confused look and asked "what is Heaven?" "Heaven is where you can play fastpitch softball all the time!" said the father. "Where do I go if I'm a bad girl?" asked the girl. "You have to spend eternity in slowpitch!" replied the dad.
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29.Balloons and Clean-up Hitters |
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| What do balloons and clean-up hitters have in common? They both produce a lot of pop! |
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30.Out by a hare! |
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| During a softball game, late in the evening, several years ago, a pop fly was hit into right field. Because of darkness, the outfielder could not see the ball and it fell to the ground. During this time a rabbit ran in front of the outfielder who promptly grabbed the animal a threw him to first base. The runner was "out by a hare!" |
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31.Softball and the law |
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| What is the difference between softball and the law? In softball, you are allowed to steal! |
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32.Babe Root |
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| What do you get when you cross a softball player and a tree? A babe root! |
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33.Hit the Books |
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| Why did the softball player take her bat to the Library? Because the teacher said hit the books! |
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34.Eat the Ball |
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| What kind of ball do flies eat? Answer, Fly ball. |
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35.World's Largest Diamond |
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| Where can you find the world's largest diamond? At a softball field! |
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36.Why so Hot? |
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| Why is it so hot after a softball game? Because all the fans leave! |
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37.Bugs on it |
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| What do you call a softball with bugs all over it? A fly ball! |
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38.Finished Last |
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| The only reason we finished last this year is we didn't get to face our own pitchers! |
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39.Practicing soft toss |
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| A young softball player was in her backyard tossing the ball up trying to hit it. After multiple attempts and failures she noticed her dad was watching from the back door. "Gee Dad! I'm a great pitcher! |
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40.Problem in the Outfield |
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| "The only problem we have in the outfield is in catching fly balls." |
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41.Consoling the Team |
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| After an embarassing loss, the coach told his boys "you have nothing to be embarrassed about! You played your hearts out and lost to a better team! In fact, I bet your parents are as proud of you as that other team's parents are of their GIRLS!" |
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42.Confusion at third |
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| Why was the girl at third base so confused? Because the coach said "stay at third" and the mom said "come home!" |
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43. Eighteen Legs |
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| What has 18 legs and catches flies? A softball team? |
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44.Poor swings |
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| One day a coach was so disgusted with the terrible swings his batters were taking that he exclaimed "I've seen better swings on a condemned playground!" |
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45.Cinderella can't Play |
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| Why is Cinderella such a weak player? Because her coach is a pumkin! |
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46.Pitching woes |
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| The high school coach was getting upset with his starting pitcher when he turned to his assistent and whispered "she's working on a new pitch-it's called a strike!" |
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47.She ain't got "D" |
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| A high school coach was getting impatient with his starting SS, and leaned over to his assistent in the dugout and whispered, "she has made routine grounders a thing of the past!" |
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48.Pitcher with Great Stuff |
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| Our pitcher had great stuff today-the other team loved it! |
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49.Wood on the Ball |
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| After 3 players in a row got head in the head with pitchers, one of the coaches commented "that's the most wood we've gotten on the ball all week!" |
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50.Coke at the Ballpark |
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| I love the Coke at the ballpark! It's the best water in town! |
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51.Flag at half-mast |
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| Our team was so bad last year that they flew the flag at half-mast sometimes! |
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52.Peaceful Team |
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| When asked about his team, a coach replied, "we're a very peaceful team, sometimes we go weeks without hitting!" |
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53.Arrid Extra Dry |
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| One of our team sponsors for the year was Arrid Extra Dry deodorant and their billboard was prominently diplayed on the centerfield fence. Under the billboard, someone wrote, "and you still stink!" |
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54.No Flu this Season |
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| After several practices, the high school coach told his assistent, "I don't think we have to worry about catching the flu this year. We can't catch anything!" |
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55.In his job.... |
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| "In his job he doesn't have contact with many people." said the coach. "Really, what does he do" asked a concerned parent. "Oh, he's our 3rd base coach!" |
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56.Diamonds are Forever |
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| Why are softball fields immortal? Because diamonds last forever! |
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57.Weak Offence |
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| They didn't score a lot of runs last year. In fact, the scorekeeper was sick in the hospital and nobody noticed! |
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58.Don't enjoy watching Softball anymore! |
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| Recently, while watching a great fastpitch softball game in a big tournament, the fan next to me confessed "I just don't enjoy these games like I used to. I just come for the watered-down Cokes and cold hot-dogs!" |
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59.Late for School |
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| When Sally was late for school the teacher took her aside for an explanation. Sally explained, "I was dreaming about softball and the game went into extra innings!" |
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60.Scared of player #7 |
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| At a ballgame, several parents asked why is everyone afraid of number 7. A young child replied, "because 789!" |
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61.There are only 3 places.... |
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| A fellow coach once confided in me when he said,"there are only three places in this world where I really feel comfortable. At home, in the office, and on the softball field!" |
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62.Fowl Play |
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| Why was the chicken sent back to the dugout? For "Fowl play!" |
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63.Finishing Last |
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| A coach was complaining that last year his team finished last out of 8 teams. His assistent coach then said, "it could have been worse! There could have been 15 teams in the league!" |
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64."Eur-up" |
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| Suddenly, in the dugout, the softball coach started yelling. Italy,Spain,Germany,Great Britain...."Eur-up" |
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65.The Umpire State |
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| At a softball game recently, a small girl asked her older sister, "Where do umpires come from?" "They come from New York, the Umpire State," giggled the sister. |
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66.Throw it across the plate! |
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| At a game last year, the pitcher threw a ball across a nearby picnic table. When asked why, she answered, "the coach said get the ball across the plate!" |
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67.Good at little Dribblers! |
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| Why are little babies good at ground balls? Because they are used to little dribblers! |
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68.Best kind of Shoes! |
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| What kind of shoes are best for stealing bases? "Sneakers!" |
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69.Softball Junkie |
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| You know you're a softball junkie if;
-Your 2nd job is umpiring at softball games!
-Your idea of quality time with the spouse is being on the same coed team!
-You own more than one SB bat costing 200$ |
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70.Vampires like softball |
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| Why do vampires like playing softball? Because there are always plenty of bats! |
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71.The Cow strikes out! |
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| How did the cow feel after it struck out? Like an "udder failure!" |
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72.The pop fly |
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| Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Well, don't worry, it's way over your head! |
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73.Softball in the Bible |
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| When was softball first mentioned in the Bible? Answer, "In the BIGinning, God..." |
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74.Soccer player |
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| What do you call a player who can't catch or throw? A soccer player! (wt's mom) |
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75.Hey umpire! |
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| Hey umpire, I know you're blind. I've seen your wife! |
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76.Blondes putting their hair up |
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| Why do blondes always put their hair up at softball games? Because they want to catch everything that's over their head! |
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77.Injured Softball |
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| How do you know when your softball has been injured? By looking at the stitches! |
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78.Sacrifice Flies |
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| Why do flies avoid the ballpark? Because they don't want to be a "sacrificed fly!" |
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79.My favorite Umpire |
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| Several coaches were standing around talking about their favorite umpires. One coach stated he likes an umpire with a consistent strike zone. Another coach likes the umpire who keeps the best interest of the girls in mind. Finally, the last coach exclaims "my favorite ump is a dead ump!" |
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80.Fall of the Roaming Umpire |
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| Much has been written in the textbooks on the Fall of the Roaming Umpire. An abbreviated recount of the story was given to me recently by a disturbed catcher who was annoyed by an ump who paraded and roamed around home plate drawing undo attention to himself. After the catcher "accidently" let a high inside fastball get by, the injured ump fell to the ground. Now you know the story behind the fall of the "Roaming Umpire!" |
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81.Couldn't steal Home! |
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| After failing to steal home several times in the course of a tournament, the coach lamented that "we couldn't steal home if the front door was wide open!" |
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82.Holes in the Glove! |
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| After a poor defensive game, the coach observed, "we've got more holes in our defence than a Florida Presidential ballot!" |
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83.Bozo |
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| After a catcher had a bad game, a parent could be heard yelling "Bozo wants his mitt back!" |
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84.No Scoop |
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| After a first baseman had trouble scooping balls out of the dirt, someone yelled "I've seen better scoops in an ice cream parlor!" |
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85.New glove |
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| After the second baseman had a weak defensive game, she tried to explain to her coach, "It's a new glove and I forgot to read the instructions!" |
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86.No range |
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| After trying several players at shortstop, the coach couldn't restrain himself any further and told his assistent, "My broken-down oven has more range than these gals!" |
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87.Soccer or Softball |
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| Recently, a player couldn't make up her mind whether to play soccer or softball. After several errors on the field, someone yelled out to her "way to kick the ball,Pele!" |
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88.US Steel |
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| A third baseman recently was showing off her new glove to every familiar face at the ballpark. After several boots at third base, the coach asked "Where did you get that glove? US Steel!" |
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89.Helen Keller |
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| During a night game last year the centerfielder was missing one flyball after another. When it came time for her to bat next inning, the coach called out "where's Helen Keller!" |
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90.Can't drive anyone Home! |
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| After a painful loss where the coach saw his team leave many runners on base, he complained, "You gals couldn't drive anybody home even if you were sitting in their driveway!" |
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91.Batting Practice |
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| "How did batting practice go?" asked the coach. "Not well" replied the assistent. "The pitching machine threw a no-hitter!" |
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92.Do you guys actually practice? |
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| Every team seems to have at least one outspoken girl that enjoys torturing humanity with her sarcasm. After we played a weak team last year, she could be overheard asking them "Do you guys actually practice or just show up for games?" |
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93.Hit and runs! |
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| After several failed attempts at the hit-and-run, the coach exclaimed "I"ve seen better hits and runs in the ghetto!" |
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94.Slow Team! |
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| Some years a coach is stuck with a team that is slow afoot. One year our team was so slow that our assistent whispered to me "I've seen better legs in a bucket of chicken!" |
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95.Star Trek Convention? |
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| Last year after we got our new uniforms, another coach came up to me a said "hey, where's the Star Trek Convention!" |
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96.Three Speeds |
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| After observing another pithcher warm-up, a coach confided in me and said "she's got three pitches! Slow, slower, and slowest!" |
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97.Rocking chair |
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| After a college coach was evaluating his new pitching staff for the year, he leaned over and told me "I've seen better arms on a rocking chair!" |
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98.AA Meeting |
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| The same college coach added another observation on his new pithing staff, "I've seen better control at an AA meeting!" |
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99.OJ's Alibi |
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| After watching his new infield practice, the coach observed "our infield has more holes in it than OJ's Alibi!" |
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100.Internet Stock |
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| After watching another team's players "waddle" onto the field, a fan remarked, "I've got internet stocks in better shape than that team!" |
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101.White Castle |
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| After a pitcher gave three straight hits on consecutively thrown sliders, the pitching coach said "I've seen better sliders at White Castle!" |
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102.Hey Blue |
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| After observing several borderline calls at homeplate, a frustrated coach yelled, "Hey blue, I've had better calls from my ex-wife!" |
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103.Momma, don't let your kid grow up to be a cowboy! |
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| Momma, don't let your kid grow up to be a cowboy...let them be a Lebanon Intimidator instead! |
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104.Square Dance |
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| A rustic gentleman was watching a softball game from behind home plate when he could no longer contain himself. Loudly, he exclaimed,"I've seen better calls at a square dance!" |
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105.Willie Nelson |
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| After a poorly played defensive game, a fan turned to me and said, "we had more boots than Willie Nelson!" |
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106.Horses |
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| "Hey ump, I thought only horses could sleep standing up!" |
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107.Ump Buried in Sand |
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| What do you have when you've got an umpire buried in sand up to his neck? Answer; Not enough sand! (thanks Ray) |
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108.Umpires and Puzzles |
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| Several umpires went into a saloon just hootin' and a hollerin' when the head ump asked the bartender for his best champaign. After the umpires tipped their glasses,exchanged high-fives,and finished their bottle, the bartender came over and asked, "what's all the excitement about?" The head umpire replied,"because of a rainout we did this puzzle in what has to be record time!" "How can you be sure?" asked the bartender. "We finished this puzzle in less than 12 hours and right here on the puzzle box it says 3-4 years!" replied the head ump.(thanks again to Ray) |
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109. Slow-pitch humor |
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| How do you make a slow-pitch player laugh on a Monday? Answer; Tell them a joke on Friday! |
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110. Two slow-pitch players on a Bridge |
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| If two slow-pitch players jump off a bridge together, who hits the water first? Answer: "Who cares!" |
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111.Trapped in a Room |
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| You are trapped in a room with Osama bin Laden, Hitler, and an umpire. Your gun has only 2 bullets. Now, what are you supposed to do? Answer; Shoot the umpire twice! |
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112.Men are from Mars... |
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| Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. But, did you know that softball players are from Pluto? |
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113.Soccer and now Softball |
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| Did you hear what happened to the soccer player who switched over to fastpitch? She did great until she tried to stop a linedrive with a header! |
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114.Is your girl playing too much softball? |
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| You know your little girl is playing too much softball when her idea of "wearing something nice" is putting on a tournament tee shirt without grass stains! |
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115.Double Play |
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| You know your infield is in trouble when their idea of a double play is "two songs back-to-back" on the radio! |
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116. Your infield is in Trouble... |
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| You know your infield is in trouble when they chant "Hey, batter,batter, don't hit it to me and it don't matter!" |
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117. Top 40 Countdown |
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| What does your pitching staff and the top 40 countdown have in common? Ans. The hits just keep coming and coming! |
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118.What kind of stuff? |
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| After the first three hitters hit the first pitch for linedrives,the coach summoned the catcher for a brief conference. "What is this pitcher throwing,"asked the coach. "How should I know!" said the catcher, "I haven't caught a pitch yet!" |
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119.Tough Hitter |
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| "We've got a hitter who is such a tough out that she even gets walked in batting practice!" |
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120.Murphy's Law of Spectator Softball |
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| Exciting plays happen only when you're looking at the scoreboard or out getting a hotdog! |
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121.It's Only a Game! |
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| Whoever thought up the phrase "softball is only a game" probably just lost one! |
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122.Being a Good Sport |
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| The only trouble in being a good sport is you generally have to lose to prove it! |
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123.Teamwork |
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| In softball, we are taught that teamwork is essential. Especially, since it allows you to blame someone else! |
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124.Low probability |
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| A local Radiologist, who is also an avid fastpitch softball fan, recently came to watch a local team play. When asked by the team's coach if he thought this team would return to the state tournaments, the Radiologist said "low probability." (sorry, this is a hospital joke) |
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125.Osama bin Laden's Softball team |
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| Now that Osama bin Ladin is dead or in hiding, what has his softball team been doing? bin stealin',bin hittin',bin runnin'! |
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126.Car full of Slowpitch Players |
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| Why is it so good to drive in a car full of slowpitch players? Answer You qualify for handicap parking! |
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127. Fax from Slowpitch player |
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| How can you tell if your fax is from a slowpitch player? Answer There's a stamp on it! |
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128.My Doctor said Avoid Excitement! |
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| Because of his bad heart, a patient was told by his doctor to avoid excitement and crowds. That's why he goes only to slowpitch games! |
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129. Hot at Slowpitch games! |
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none |
| Do you know why it's always so hot at slow pitch games? Answer Because there aren't any fans! |
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130.Straight A's |
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none |
| A college softball coach was asking the parent of a potential recruit about her high school grades. The parent replied, "she makes straight A's!" "That's wonderful!" said the coach. "But her B's are a little crooked!" added the parent. |
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131.Policeman on the Field |
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none |
| Why did the policeman run onto the softball field? Because he saw someone trying to steal 2B! |
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132.Box of Crayons |
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none |
| After being unhappy with the umpiring at a softball game, the coach groaned,"I've seen better blues in a box of crayons!" |
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133.Softball Fanatic |
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0 |
none |
| My wife thinks all I do is talk about softball, morning,noon,and night! I say..."she's waaay off base!" |
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134. I'm gonna break your cane... |
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none |
| A coach was so upset with the homeplate umpire that he mumbled under his breath, "I'm gonna break your cane ump. Then, I'm gonna shoot your seeing-eye dog!" |
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135.Piece of Rope |
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none |
| When the umpire asked the girl why she brought a piece of rope to homeplate, she replied. "I'm going to tie up the score!" |
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136.Traveling Witches |
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none |
| Why did the traveling witches softball team get shutout? Because their bats all flew away! |
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137.Phone Book |
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none |
| After a fan was disgusted with the calls at homeplate, he yelled out, "Hey blue, you couldn't make the right call with a phone book!" |
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138.Dracula's Daughter |
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none |
| What position does Dracula's daughter play? Answer, "Bat-girl!" |
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139.Favorite Stockings |
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none |
| What are a softball players favorite stockings? Stockings with runs in them! |
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140.Couldn't See the Plate |
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none |
| When the ump seemed to have trouble calling the corners one night, a fan yelled out "Hey ump, you couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it!" |
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141. One softball to another |
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none |
| What did one softball say to the other? "Hey, I'm outta here!" |
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142. Kermit the Frog |
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none |
| Why would Kermit the Frog be a great outfielder? Because frogs are great at catching flies! |
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143. The Pig |
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none |
| What did the pig say after he hit the ball over the fence? "I just hit a HAMRUN!" |
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144.Alarm clock vs a pitcher |
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none |
| How is an alarm clock different from a pitcher? You have to wind up an alarm clock, but a pitcher windsup by herself! |
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145.No Hands |
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none |
| After watching their new infield practice for the first time, the new coach muttered, "I've seen better hands on a clock!" |
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146.Sodas on the house! |
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none |
| Why did the young softball player take a ladder to the ballpark? Answer, She heard the sodas were "on the house!" |
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147. A catcher's dinner |
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none |
| Where do softball catcher's like to eat? Answer "Behind the plate!" |
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148. Pitch the Tent |
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none |
| Why did the Girl Scouts want a softball player to go camping with them? Answer. They needed someone to "PITCH the tent!" |
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149. Bottom of the fifth |
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| Three elderly and distinguished ladies were watching a softball game in person for the first time and wanted to celebrate in a special way. Surprisingly, they shared a bottle of Jack Daniels. Long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly empty! Given these clues, can you determine what's going on here? Answer. "It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are all loaded!" |
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150. Making pancakes |
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none |
| Why is being a good pitcher like making pancakes? Because both involve trying to mix up the batter! |
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151.Knock Knock |
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none |
|
Knock Knock! Who's there?
Pitcher.
Pitcher who?
Pitcher shoes on if you want to play! |
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152.Knock Knock |
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none |
| Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Batter.
Batter who?
Batter get a hit or we lose! |
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153.Knock Knock{Ball4) |
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none |
| Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Ball 4.
Ball 4 who?
Ball 4 you. Glove 4 me!
|
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154.Animal |
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none |
| What kind of animal do you see most often at the ball park! Answer. A hot DOG! |
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155. Cleanup Hitter |
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none |
| Why did the softball player bring a mop, a broom, and a dust cloth to the dugout? Because the coach told her she was "the clean-up hitter!" |
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156.Damaged Vocal Cords |
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none |
| What do you do with a groundskeeper with injured vocal cords? Answer. Hire him immediately! |
|
157. Vegetable Garden |
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none |
| You know you're in trouble when your groundskeeper has a vegetable garden in centerfield!(true) |
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158. Wrong Turn |
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none |
| If you turn into the ballpark and the fields look lush and green...What happened? You probably made a wrong turn into the country club! |
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159. Hard to get into! |
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none |
| Ever find the local softball fields closed because of a light drizzle? If so, then what do the softball fields and the field of Radiology have in common? They are both hard to get into! |
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160.George Karlin on Weed |
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none |
| Ever wonder why the vegetation is so thick beyond the centerfield fence?...What kind of weed is really growing out there? |
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161.Groundskeeper's front yard! |
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none |
| Ever drive by the front yard of your groundskeeper's home? If it looks like a mine field you just might consider hiring someone else! |
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162. Cow pasture |
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none |
| I know it's not a great idea to play on a soft field, but something ain't right when the local farmer gets to graze his cows in our outfield! |
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163.Squirrels in the Garden |
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none |
| How do you stop squirrels from playing softball in the garden? Hide the ball and they "go nuts!" |
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164.Ump does the work of 3! |
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none |
| That ump does the work of three men! Moe, Larry, and Curly! |
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165.Coach with Bad Temper |
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| After losing control of his temper several times, a local coach was required to see a Psychiatrist. When the coach met with the doctor he confessed "I keep losing my temper with the umpires." "Tell me about it?" asked the Psychiatrist. "I just did. You stupid idiot!" replied the coach. |
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166. What's odd about the "stands?" |
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none |
| Ever wonder at a softball game, why you can sit in the stands but you can't stand in the seats? |
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167. Dracula's Team |
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none |
| What did they call Dracula's team when they won the league championship? "Champires" |
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168. Sole Music |
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none |
| Why did the young softball player put her shoe to her ear? Because she liked sole music! |
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169.Why do grasshoppers avoid Softball? |
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none |
| Because they prefer cricket! |
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170.Hen at game |
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none |
| Why did the lady bring her Hen to the softball game? To help egg her team on! |
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171.Dog Joke |
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none |
| Why didn't the dog want to play softball? Because he was a Boxer! |
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172. Cheetahs |
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none |
| Why did the other coach warn us about the Chattanooga Cats? Because some of them are Cheetahs! |
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173. Monster |
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none |
| Why didn't the monster make the girls 12u travel team? Because the monster threw like a ghoul! |
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174. "Calling the shots" |
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none |
| A concerned parent came over to the dugout and asked "why is the coach yelling measles,mumps,rubella?" The assistent replied, "He just likes to call the shots!" |
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175. Frosted Flake! |
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0 |
none |
| What do you call a blond softball player in 40 degree weather? A frosted flake! |
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176. Four arms,Four legs. |
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none |
| What has four arms, four legs, and a combined IQ of 70? Answer; The first and third base coaches! |
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177.Bad day for the Ump |
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none |
| What's the worst thing that can happen to an umpire when he gets home? Answer; His guide dog bites him! |
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178. IQ and Shoe size |
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none |
| What do you call an umpire with an IQ greater than his shoe size? Answer; "Gifted!" |
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179.Vanilla Ice |
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none |
| After his team provided just a few hits in a double header, the manager remarked, "today, we had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!" |
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180. Cup of Coffee |
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none |
| Following a tournament where the team had dismal hitting, the coach complained, "our team batting average couldn't buy a cup of coffee!" |
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181.Sad News |
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0 |
none |
| Our defense is so bad that our shortstop jumped in front of a car! Fortunately, it went right thru her legs like everything else! |
|
182. The Lord vs the Devil |
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0 |
none |
| Recently, the Devil challenged the Lord to a softball game. "It's in the bag," said the Lord. "I'll have Lisa Fernandez, Dot Richardson, and the whole US Olympic team!" "That's nothing," exclaimed the Devil. "I'll have all the umpires!" |
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183. A Real Slugger! |
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none |
| You know your team is in trouble when your best hitter is called "Slugger" because she beat-up three of her teamates! |
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184. On Being Miserable |
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none |
| A softball coach, in proposing to his wife to be, told her, "I probably could be miserable with anyone, but I think you are special and have chosen you!" Such flattery will get you anywhere! |
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185.Switch Hitter? |
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| Upon admiring a softball player's ability to switch hit and throw well with either arm, the coach asked the player "how long have you been able to do this?" The young lady replied, "I've been amphibious for years!" |
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186.Coloring Books |
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none |
| After hearing that the library of his fiercist competitor's school had been partly destroyed by fire, the high school coach remarked, "that's a shame! 50 books were ruined and most had never been colored in yet!" |
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187. Tom |
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none |
| A well-known college softball coach, Tom Pawkowlichkowich, just arrived at his new school and was asked by an admiring group of fans, "How do you pronounce your name?" The coach replied, "Tom" |
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188. Sitting Alone |
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none |
| A man was sitting alone at a softball game, when someone asked him, "where's your wife?" "She died" said the man. The other person offered sympathy and said, "It's a shame you have to sit alone. "where's the rest of the family?" "Oh, there at the funeral" replied the man! |
|
189. Slowpitch Joke |
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none |
| A fastpitch played walked up to the concession stand and asked for a Coke. After getting her Coke, she asked the server, "do you want to hear a good joke about slowpitch players?" The server replied, "you better be careful, the girls behind the counter still play slowpitch." "OK" said the fastpitch player, "I hate to explain a joke FIVE times!" |
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190. Jumping from a Plane |
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none |
| A fabulous umpire, a honest politician, and an ethical lawyer all jump from an airplane! Who hits the ground first? Answer; It doesn't matter, none of them really exist! |
|
191. Pain and Agony |
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0 |
none |
| What do you call a college softball coach who doesn't put his players thru pain and agony? Answer; RETIRED! |
|
192.Law of Coaching |
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0 |
none |
| The weaker your softball coach was as a hitter, the more qualified he thinks he is to teach it! |
|
193.Profanity at a Softball Game |
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none |
| A softball coach with a bad temper was coaching his team and using frequent four- letter words. Finally, the assistent coach told him "Do not utter such profanities or God will strike you down!" This didn't help at all. Then, a bolt of lightning came down from the sky striking the assistent coach dead! A voice from the clouds could be heard, "DANG, I missed!" |
|
194.Funeral Procession |
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0 |
none |
| A softball game was about to start when a funeral procession could be seen passing by the park. The coach took his cap off and bowed his head in silence. The assistent coach, seeing this, was obviously impressed and said, "Gee, coach that was a kind gesture!" To which the coach replied, "that's the least I can do! We were married 25 years!" |
|
195. 99% |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After seeing poor sportsmanship on the part of several coaches, the team's coach told his assistent, "It's the 99% of those softball coaches that give the rest of us a bad name!" |
|
196.A day without sunshine! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| What's a day without sunshine? Answer; A night game! |
|
197. The King |
0 |
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none |
| After witnessing her husband rant and rave during a softball game, the women turned to a friend and said, "All men are idiots. And I married the king!" |
|
198. Walk a Mile in their Shoes! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Before you criticize a softball coach, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away AND have their shoes! |
|
199. You're Unique! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| In an attempt to flatter his players, a coach was overheard, saying; "you're unique! Just like everyone else on the team!" |
|
200.SHAMpoo |
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0 |
none |
| A coach asked one of his young lady softball players why her hair was so dirty. The girl responded, "I'm boycotting SHAMpoo! I'm using real POO!" |
|
201.Energizer Bunny |
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0 |
none |
| I heard your assistent coach is like the Energizer Bunny? Yes, he's now being charged with battery |
|
202. Law of coaching |
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0 |
none |
| For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism! |
|
203. New Car |
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0 |
none |
| Hey coach, I heard you got a new car for your wife! "Yeh, It was a great trade!" responded the coach! |
|
204. Last Laugh |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Why do slowpitch players always have the last laugh? Because he who laughs last, thinks the slowest! |
|
205. Insanity |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey coach, I hear you suffer from insanity? "NO!" said the coach. "I enjoy every minute of it!" |
|
206. Ice Cubes up the Nose |
0 |
0 |
none |
| A coach became upset when he heard that one of his players had sniffed Coke. Later, he found her with ice cubes stuck in her nose! |
|
207.Indecisive! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| A coach turned to his assistent coach and moaned, "I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know!" |
|
208.Complete Idiot! |
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0 |
none |
| After a parent called the coach "a COMPLETE idiot," the wife turned to the derogatory fan and said "No, he's still missing a few pieces!" |
|
209. God Loves You! |
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0 |
none |
| After a particularly frustrating series of close softball games, a minister and father of one of the players on the team, tried to console the sad coach. "Remember" said the minister, "God loves you, everyone else thinks your a moron!" |
|
210.Not a diner plate! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After noting that the umpire wasn't giving his pitcher calls on the corners, the coach yells out to the ump; "home plate ain't no dinner plate! It's got corners!" |
|
211.Horses |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey Blue! "I thought only horses slept standing up!" |
|
212.Pillow fight |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After observing several throwing errors in the infield, the assistent coach commented to the head coach, "I've seen better throws at a pillow fight!" |
|
213.Be A Frog!!! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| In hope of providing a hitter with some encouragement, a parent yelled "Be a frog " and "rip it!" |
|
214. Be a chaffeur |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Why should the clean-up hitter be like a chaffeur? Because they both try to drive people in! |
|
215. OJ's Alibi |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After a softball tournament filled with many miscues, the coach observed, "our infield has more holes in it than OJ's Alibi!!!!! |
|
216. Ugly swing |
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0 |
none |
| After a feeble swing at the first pitch thrown to her, the ump calls "STRIKE TWO" The player turns her head and the ump says that swing was so ugly you deserve TWO STRIKES! |
|
217. Betty Crocker |
0 |
0 |
none |
| What do Betty Crocker and the bottom of our lineup have in common? "They both make for a weak batter!" |
|
218.Hey Blue, You're missing a good game! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| During the course of a game, a coach came over to the home plate umpire and sarcastically exclaimed "Hey Blue you're missing a good game!" "I know said the ump!" but unfortunately they assigned me to this game!" (Thanks to MichaelVA2000-umpire for this and the next joke1) |
|
219."OK 2 Balls/ no Strikes!!" |
0 |
0 |
none |
| In the late innings of a close softball game, the ump called an outside corner pitch a stike. After the next pitch, in a similar location, was called a ball, the pitching coach complained to the ump that both pitch locations looked the same! The umpire folded his arms and nodded his head in a thoughtful manner and said "you've convinced me coach!" "Change the count to 2 balls and no strikes!"
|
|
220.Telemarketer |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey ump, I've had better calls from a telemarketer!!! |
|
221.Lobsters |
0 |
0 |
none |
| What do you get when you cross a lobster with a softball player? Answer; "A pinch-hitter!" |
|
222. Snails on the Bases |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Why are snails such good baserunners? Answer; "Because they are always safe at home!" |
|
223.Family Vacations |
0 |
0 |
none |
| You know your a sofball junkie when you plan the family vacation around the softball World Series! |
|
224. Your Daughter |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Your daughter may be a softball junkie when her idea of a date is having pizza with a boy after a game! |
|
225. Girl's Cleats |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Your girl my be spending too much time at the ballpark when her softball cleats show more wear than all her other shoes! |
|
226. Hey Ump! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey ump! You couldn't make the right call from a telephone booth! |
|
227. Donate your eyes! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey Blue, Don't bother to donate your eyes to science, because nobody wants 'em! |
|
228. Hey Blue! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Does your wife let you make any decisions at home! |
|
229. Bad Eyes |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After watching their hitters swing at one bad pitch after another, the coach lamented, I've seen better eyes on a potato!" |
|
230. I'd Be Broke! |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After scoring only 2 runs in their last 5 games, the coach noted, "If I had a dollar for every hit we've had, I go broke!" |
|
231. Throw out theTrash |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After the other team stole 9 straight bases during a game, a parent complained "our cathers couldn't throw out the trash today!" |
|
232. Bad Swings |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Follwing several weak at-bats, the coach remarked "I've seen better cuts at the deli!" |
|
233. Freshman Prom |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After the leadoff hitter had been stranded multiple times in the last several games, a mother commented "she hasn't been driven home since her freshman prom!" |
|
234. Michael Jackson |
0 |
0 |
none |
| What does Michael Jackson and our infield have in common? They both wear a gloveon one hand for no apparent reason! |
|
235. UPS |
0 |
0 |
none |
| What's the differnce between UPS and our pitching staff? Answer; UPS knows how to throw a strike! |
|
236. Friends |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Remember! Friends don't let friends play slowpitch! |
|
237.Hey Blue |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey Blue, If you had one more eye you'd be a cyclops! |
|
238.Shake Your Head |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey Mr Ump, Shake your head! your eyeballs are stuck! |
|
239. Paper Route |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Mr Ump, If you need extra money that bad, why don't you get a paper route! |
|
240. Low Pitch |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Hey Ump, That last pitch was so low, it would have been a strike in any bowling alley! |
|
241. Rusty Gate |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After an early spring game, the coach turned to someone on the team and said; "I've seen better swings from a rusty gate!" |
|
242. Amish Website |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Following a shutout loss, the coach moaned quietly to his assistent, "we had fewer hits today than an Amish website!" |
|
243. Hit the Floor |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After striking out three times, a player exclaimed; "I couldn't hit the floor if I fell out of bed!" |
|
244. Cup of Coffee |
0 |
0 |
none |
| "If our team batting average was converted to dollars and cents, we couldn't buy a cup of coffee!" said the team score keeper. |
|
245. High Popup |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After hitting a very high popup, a parent yelled out, "that wouldn't be a homerun in a telephone booth!" |
|
246. Cat out of a Window |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After the other team stole a ton of bases, the assistent coach moaned "we couldn't throw a cat out of a window today!" |
|
247. New Glove |
0 |
0 |
none |
| A proud parent told another parent "I got my daughter a new glove!" Several errors later, someone added, "You should've given her directions on how to use it!" |
|
248. Frying Pans |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After making several errors in one inning, the coach yelled out to his players; "those are supposed to be gloves on your hands, ladies, NOT frying pans!" |
|
249. Dry Creek |
0 |
0 |
none |
| After checking out a new player, the coach noted' "She hits OK, but she runs like a dry creek!" |
|
250. Bad Slide |
0 |
0 |
none |
| While evaluating a new player, the manager observed, "I haven't seen a slide that bad since Enron!" |
|
251. Hey Coach |
0 |
0 |
none |
| "Hey Coach" said the ump, "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce!" |
|
252. Village Idiot |
0 |
0 |
none |
| "Hey Coach" yelled the heckler, "every village has one like you!" |
|
253. Coach Joke |
0 |
0 |
none |
| A softball player went up to another player and said "do you want to hear a good joke about coaches?" Overhearing this, a man blurted "be careful, all 5 of us are coaches!" "OK forget it" said the player. "I don't want to repeat it five times!" |
|
254. Kermit the Frog |
0 |
0 |
none |
| Why would Kermit the Frog be a great outfielder? Answer; Because frogs are great at catching flies! |
|
MORE JOKES HERE...CLICK FOR MORE |
0 |
0 |
none |
| 255. Ham Run; What would you call it if a pig hit a softball over the fence? Answer A Ham Run.
256. Electric Light; When is a baserunner like an electric light? Answer; When they are both out! 257. Alarm Clock; How is an alarm clock different from a pitcher? You have to wind up an alarm clock, but a pitcher winds herself up!
258. Pancakes! Why is pitching like making pancakes? Answer; Both require you to mix up the batter!
259, You might be a redneck when.... When you think the last two words of the National anthem are "play ball"
260. Kool-aid The assistent coach said to the head coach; "I think this new player can bring something special to our ballclub!" "Like what?" asked the coach. "A cooler full of kool-aid!" replied the assistent coach!
261. MUD BATH; A pitcher goes to her doctor to find out why she feels so bad. The doctor sadly tells her she has a fatal and incurable disease. The pitcher naturally asked if there was anything that she could do. "Cover yourself with mud" replied the physician. "Why, will it help?", asked the pitcher. "Probably not" said the doctor,"But at least you'll get used to being covered up in dirt!"
262. LIVING TO BE 100! A softball player went to get her sports physical and afterwards asked the MD, "Will I live to be 100!" "Well, Do you smoke, drink, eat junk food, and chase boys?" "NO" said the player. "Then why do you want to live to be 100!" replied the MD. 263. WORTHLESS BUM; A softball coach was in court for hitting his wife over the head with a softball bat. The judge scolded the man for his violent behavior and sentenced him. A voice rang out from the back of the courtroom, "You worthless Bum" The judge exclaimed, anymore outbursts from you and we will find you in contempt of court! Now what's your problem?" To which the man explained, "Everytime I tried to borrow his bat he said he did'nt have one!" 263. OZZIE One coach to another; "I hear you have a SS who plays like Ozzie{Smith}" "Yeah, Ozzie Osbourne!" 264. Hey Blue; Hey Ump, "Get a hammer and nails, the plate is moving around on you! 265. Hey Blue; If I had a dollar for every good call you made, I'd be broke! 266. That new catcher has the hands of a clock and a face to stop one! 267. JUNK PITCHER; This pitcher is dealing more junk today than Fred Sanford(from the show Sanford and Son) 268. BAD PITCHER "I've seen better pitches from a used car salesman!" 269. WILD PITCHER; Call the zoo, she's getting wild again!!! 270.College World Series. After arriving in Oklhoma for the College World Series for the lst time, the confused young lady asked the taxi driver; "How do I get to the softball World Series?" "Practice, practice, practice", replied the taxi diver! 271. LATE SWINGS; "The last time I saw anything that late, my wife was pregnant!" replied the coach. 272. BAD SWINGS; After watching his team take many bad swings, the coach observed, "I've seen better swings from Mike Tyson!" 273. CHAFFEUR; In an attempt to provide his cleanup hitter with some encouragement, the coach yelled out, "Be a chaffeur and drive your teamates home!" 274. FROG The coach ordered his hitter-"Be a frog and rippit!" 275. Better Batter- A frustrated coach moaned aloud to his assistent, "I've seen better batter making a cake!" 276. NO CONTROL After his pitchers walked several batters in one inning, the assistent coach noted, "Our pitchers have less control than 2 rabbits out on a first date!" 277. EZ BAKE OVEN After watching his new starting pitcher warm-up for the lst time, the coach lamented, "I've seen more heat from an EZ Bake oven" 278. Hey Ump, "Is hear Mr Magoo is your brother, and Helen Keller was your Mom!" 279. The Circus is In Town! Hey Ump, "I hear the circus is town, and they're all wearing blue!" 280. Bus Driver; Fan to the Umpire "Hey Bus Driver, sit down until the umpire arrives!" 281. How many freshman JV Softball players does it take to change a light bulb? "NONE...that's a sophomore responsibility!" 282.Why was the slowpitch player late getting to class? "The escalator was stuck!" 283."How do you get to the College World Series?" asked a young fastpitch player as she got into a taxi in Oklahoma City. "PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE! Replied the taxi driver! 284.Handicap Parking; "What's the only advantage of driving with a slow pitch player?" Answer; "you get to park in the handicap space!" 285.A New Bat An excited parent came to the ballpark and said to the coach, "Look at the ba t I got for my daughter!" The coach turned and replied, "Is that all you got for your daughter! I would've given you two bats!" 286. Tupperware Party A high school coach upon viewing his new pitchers for the first time remarked "I've seen better pitchers at a tupperware party!" 287. Hey Ump! Turn the plate over and read the directions!288.Hey Blue! If you had one more eye, you'd be a cyclops! 289. Hey Blue! Shake your head! Your eyes are stuck! 290. Slow Pitch Games: My doctor told me to avoid large crowds and excitement! So now I only go to SLOW PITCH games! 291.Pitching Machine: At least now our team is trying to win games! Our coach set up the pitching machine the other day. Unfortunately it beat us 4-1! 292. Windy Day; It was so windy today and dust flew everywhere! We couldn't even tell who was beating us! 293.Softball Junkie; You know your a softball junkie when you go out of town and people immediately ask what tournament is there! 294.Softball is better than baseball because you don't have to watch your team lose for 9 innings! 295. What's the most important difference between softball and baseball? "Girls make the game look better!" 296. What do you call a good umpire? "RARE!" 297. Another reason softball is better than baseball...when the 7th inning stretch arrives you get to go home! 298. Satan challenged St Peter to a softball game. St Peter asked Satan "How can you expect to win when I have all great softball players up here?" "Yes" replied Satan, "But I have all the umpires down here!" 299. Coach's wife: "Who's Jodie Wendt?" Coach: "Jody saved us from losing last night!" "Really" replied the wife, "Does Jody pitch or play defense?" "Neither" said the coach. "Jody was the umpire!" 300.After losing 5 straight games, the frustrated coach turned to his assistent and gave him 10$ saying, "Go buy some new balls or something, anything to help us win!" The next game the coach notice the same old ball being used and said to his assistent, "What did you do with the 10$" The assistent replied,"Well, you said anything to help us win so I gave the money to the ump!" 301. What do you call an ump with an IQ greater than his shoe size? "Gifted!" 302.Our lst baseman was hit in the head with a linedrive. After she returned from the hospital, we asked her "what happened?" "Well, they Xrayed my head and found nothing!" 303.You may be a softball redneck if...your softball bats costs more than your car payments!....or...You'll drive 3 hours for a 3 game guarentee, but can't seem to drive 45 minutes to see the inlaws.304.Softball is like church...many attend but few understand it! 305.Come-on Mr ump! That pitch was so far outside it had a hat and coat on! 306. Hey Blue, Don't bother brushing off the corners! You're not calling them anyway!307. A quote from a former College softball player..."Anyone with ability can play college softball! "But to trick them into a scholarship for 4 years is more remarkable!" 308. The biggest thrill parents can have is for their child to take after them! In a championship game our daughter struckout 3 times and made an error that cost the game! Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off! Gosh, I was proud! 309. Our school is so bad that the only category we lead the division is "Get 'em next time!" 310.In fact, our school is sooo bad that our sponsers now pay us not to mention their name! 311. Softball is 90% mental...and the other 50% is physical! 312. Hey Blue, Keep calling them like that and you'll be bagging groceries by July! 313. After several close calls went the other way, the coach calmly told the ump, "you're the 2nd best ump in this tournament! The other 9 are tied for lst!" 314. What position does a pig play? "short-slop!"315.After a short slump, the softball coach said to his assistent, "Soft beds are like slumps! Easy to get into but hard to get out!"316.Three softball coaches recently went out fishing in a nearby lake, when one coach became bored and said"I have a confession! I'm a gambler. I just love to gamble!" Impressed by his sincerity, the second coach exclaimed. "I love to party and stay out all night!" Finally, after several minutes, the third coach felt compelled to loudly confess his biggest fault,"I'M A BIG GOSSIP!317.After spraining her ankle, our catcher asked her coach about strenthening her ankle. One week later she was still limping around, and the coach asked her what's goin on...She said"well, you told me to walk a day,then skip a day. It's that skipping all day that's killin me!"318. Our catcher was putting one quarter after another into the Coke machine,collecting dozens of cans and holding up the line. Finally, the coach asked"what are you doing?" The catcher answered, "Duh...Can't you see I'm winning!"319.During a brake between ballgames with some 10u players, the players said, "take us to the zoo...you promised!" The coach replied,"Hold on, when they want you, they will come and get you!"320. A softball player and her dad went to see an orthopedic surgeon for a knee evaluation. The Doc told them, "she needs an operation!" The young ballplayer asked, "Will I be able to play SS afterwards?" "Sure" Replied the Doc. "That's odd!" said the dad, she never could before!" 321.After a ballplayer was telling jokes all day and goofing off, the coach told her, "you need to get on stage!" "In fact, I think there's one coming now!"322.After losing 5 games in a row, a little girl came out of the stands and handed the main coach a dollar and said"don't worry...I'll give you more when I'm older!" "What's the dollar for?" asked the coach. "My parents say your the poorest coach in town!" replied the girl.323When asked what she remembered most about a former coach, the young softball player said"he could take a bad situation and make it worse!" 324.What's the worst thing that can happen to an umpire after a game?"Their guide dog bites them! 325.What do lady softball players and Marilyn Monroe have in commen? "They both know DIAMONDS are a gilr's best friend! 326.Cheap Dad. After a young lady became tired of borrowing everyone's bat every game, she finally asked her Dad for her own bat. He agreed and they went to a local sporting goods store. The daughter found a nice bat and they went to pay for it. The store manager told the Dad,that will be 200$ "Don't you have something cheaper...he asked?" So, the store manager found a 150$ bat that the daughter liked. "That's still too high said the Dad!' So the manager found a 50$ bat and showed it to the dad. "You still don't understand!...I mean REALLY CHEAP!" Finally the store manager got frustrated and said, "You want to see someting really cheap?" And he held up a mirror to Dad!!!327.How You Know When Your A Softball Junkie!!a)You own more pairs of cleats than shoes b) Dad's fishing gear is rusty and has spider webs.c)Your purse has sliders and socks instead of perfume and makeup 328. How you know when you've played SB too long! a)Summer Vacation consists of visiting different cities for out-of-town tournaments b)You find it's more comfortable sitting on a bucket than a folding chair! c)You can't recognize your teamates out of uniform,cleam with makeup,and their hair down 329.You know the summer is almost over when a)you look in the mirror and see "Wacky Tan Lines" b)It's Vacation time and the only place your goin' is the Nationals!330. You know you need to expand your social circle when a)all your cell phone numbers go to team members b) Your only friends play travel ball!331. "Arby-Traiter" Yeah,my coach he thinks when there's an argument that he must be the arbitrator. What's an arbitraitor? asked a teamate. An Arby-traitor is someone who used to go to Arby's but now goes to McDonald's! 332. Given the choice between saving an infant's life and catching a flyball, a woman will invariably save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base!!333.The coach told his young player,"it's time to go home!" "I don't want to said the girl, my parents both beat me." I want to stay here, we don't beat anybody!334.Softball is 90% mental, the other half is physical! 335. Rec League is useful...it keeps the parents off the streets(and in the stands) 336. We've got a great catcher! She blocks everything behind the plate and hits everything in front of it! 337. Coaches Wife...We never argue. If he starts, I tell him to "put a lid on it and save it for the ump!" 338.According to my coach there are only three things a good player has to do "Run,Hit,Throw,and Catch!" 339.God is Good to catchers! He gave them strong arms,strong bodies,and weak minds!"340. The trouble with softball is they don't play it year-round! 341.Coach..."I don't give a flip about Cameron Diaz,Brittany Spears,and them. What good are they with the basesloaded!" 342. Coaches Wife..The doctor told my hubby he has the body of a 30 year old...Its too bad he has the mind of a 10 year-old!343. Our pitcher is so fast she threw a pitch thru the car wash and it didn't even get wet! 344.After hearing a slow-footed catcher pulled a thigh muscle and couldn't play, the coach lamented, "How can anyone so slow get a groin pull?" 345.After the team "Drama-Queen" slide head first into 3B, the coach asked;"why do you always slide head first?" The Drama-Queen replied; "I get my picture taken more this way!" 346.After losing several tournaments in a row, the coach told his assistent;"Being manager of a team is like a stagecoach. You can't go anywhere unless you have the horses!" 347.Upon graduating college,a woman said "Anyone with real talent can play College Ball for 4 years! But to trick people year-in and year-out like I did...Now that's a real feat!" 348.In trying to think of something good to say about a talentless player, the coach said,"She led the team in get'em next time!" 349. A graduating senior SB player..."It bothered my parents when I received a scholarship from U.T. for 3000$...they didn't think we could scrape-up that much!" 350.Coach...I got fined 100$ for speeding on the way to the ballpark last night! When the cop found out I was a SB coach and coached the Intimidators..I got fined another 100$ 351.The BIGGEST THRILL a parent can have is when their daughter follows in their footsteps. When my youngest daughter struckout 3 times and made 2 errors, the fans booed and threw cups at us as we left the field...Boy was I proud! 352.After another losing College season, the Coach said "I've been doing this 25 years...with a little more practice I might get good at it! 353.We have Alka-Seltzer bats..."Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz, when the other pitchers see us..what a relief it is. 354. The coach told the young girl.."now go out there and play 3B like Brooks(Robinson)" When she came into the dugout the coach said.."I meant play 3B like Brooks Robinson...NOT Mel Brooks!" 355. After seeing his softball team sleepwalk their way into the ballpark, the concerned coach told them"You should enter the ballpark like you do a Church!" 356.After a batter got nailed in the head on a high fastball, she was taken to the local ER and XRYed. When asked what they found, the dad replied "NOTHING!" 357.You know you're a SB junky when you think a hotdog at the park is better than a steak at the Ritz! 358.One reason SB is better than baseball is that after the 7th inning stretch you get to go home! 359.Umpire says..."How many coaches does it take to screwin a lightbulb? Impossible! They're too busy complaining about the last call!" 360.After several bad calls at home plate, the coach asked the ump,"How do you spell your last name?" "Smithe" said the ump. "Just as I thought said the coach!...Just one 'i'! 361.Just before 2 loud and obnoxious teams were about to play, a concerned umpire stated..."the last thing I need out of you 2 coaches is any unpleasantness!"..."Any other final wishes?" cracked the coach! 362. What's the worst thing that can happen to a softball umpire after a game? His guide dog bites him!!363.There are 3 types of SB players;Those who make it happen,those who watch it happen,and those who wonder what happened!!! 364.Someone asked the coach what he did when there was no softball...he answered "I just stare out the window waiting for the spring!!! 365.There are only 2 seasons....Winter and softball season!366.Coach says...It's not how good you are;It's how bad you want it!367.Hey Ump,You couldn't make the right call even if you were locked inside a phone booth! 368.Hey Blue,I bet you don't clean the house as well as you clean the plate! 369.Mr Blue,when I get old and blind,I want to be an Umpire too! 370.Hey Ladies,If fastpitch softball were easy,boys would do it!!371.Coach says..I tell the players that it's my job to argue with the umpire,not theirs. If I get thrown out it won't hurt the team!372.It's been said that softball is only a GAME...Yeah,and the Grand Canyon is just a big hole! 373.There's a big mess just outside the concession stand that our team has been told to clean up. Why us?..I guess they heard we like to "throw in the towel!" 374.Confucius say..."Softball funny game..man can walk on 4 balls!"375.How do you get a slowpitch players eyes to light up? "Easy,Shine a flashlight in their ears!" 376.Two slowpitch players(pitcher&catcher) jump off a bridge. Who hits the water first? Answer"who cares!"377.My doctor told me to avoid excitement and big crowds...so now I only go to slow pitch tournaments! 378. Hey coach! I hear you've got a really tough hitter batting cleanup!. "Yes" says the coach."She gets walked even in Batting practice!379.Coach to player..."I remember the first time you slid into homeplate in a giant cloud of dust!...unfortunately you were just coming up to bat!380.Why did the Chicken cross the road? Answer...To get to the other game! 381.Coach says..."I spent 90% of my time last year with the softball team and drinking beer!...the other 10% I wasted!" 382.After struggling to find a 10th player for a weekend tournament, a player approached the coach and said,"Coach, yah know who wants to be on your team?" "Who?"asked the excited coach. "NO ONE" said the player.383.Hey Ump! This must be your cell phone...it's got 3 missed calls already!!!384.Hey Blue...I've heard better calls from a BIRD!385.Nuts and Bolts,Nuts and Bolts...we just got screwed!(to ump)386.Hey Blue!..You won't sleep well tonight because you slept thru the entire game!387.The Coache's wife was late for the game and was speeding the wrong way down a one-way street when the police pulled her over. "What's the problem,lady?" asked the cop. "I must be very late for the game...everyone is already leaving!" said the women.388.What do you call a softball coach with half a brain? Answer "gifted"389.What's the difference between softball coaches and government bonds? Answer."Government bonds will eventually mature!"390.What do beer bottles and softball coaches have in commom? Ans."They are both empty from the neck up!"391.How many softball coaches does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Answer."I don't know...it's never happened!"392.The umpire does the work of 3 men...Moe,Larry,and Curley!393.Give a girl a bat and ball and she'll play softball all day. Give a man a fishing pole and he'll sit in a boat fishing and drinking beer all day!394.After several really bad fielding plays, the coach toldf his players.."remember,good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from BAD judgement!"395.Several weeks after loaning one of the parents on the softball team 20$, the coach told his assistent"If you loan someone 20$ and don't see them again,it was probably worth it!"396.After several bad fielding choices,the wise old coach told his players.."Experience is something you get after you need it!"397.After missing several signs at 3rd base, the team asked the thirdbase coach what was wrong. He replied,"I've had amnesia once...well maybe twice!"398.After being late for the start of the ballgame,the wise-cracking coach said to the umps.."OK,now what are your other two wishes?"399.Coach says,"If at first you don't succeed,re-define success!"400.After being spaced-out all day at the park,the coach apologized to his assistent.."I've been lost in thought all day and it's really unfamiliar territory!"401.After a terrible set of games the Coach said"Ladies,If you have the capacity to learn from your mistakes,then you've really learned a lot today!"402.After a lazy practice, the coach took several players aside and said "Hard work never killed anyone" then a player quiped"Yes,but why chance it!"403.After a frustrating game, the coach could be heard praying aloud,"Lord, I need patience and I need it NOW!"404.Several parents went up to the coach after his bizarre behavior in a game and asked if he had some sort of mental disorder. The coach replied,"I used to be considered schizophrenic...but WE'RE better now!"405.My team has changed! When asked how his team had changed over the course of the season the unhappy coach replied...At the start of the season we relied on pitching and defense to win. Later we depended on timely hitting. Now...we need an act of God to win! 406.Why was the chicken ordered back to the dugout? Answer:"For Foul{Fowl}play!!!407.Given the choice between saving an infant's life and catching a fly ball,most women would invariably save the child...and not even consider if anyone was on base!408.Hey Blue, I bet you dont clean your home as well as you clean that plate!!409.Get off your knees Blue, your blowing the game again!410.Hey Ump, You couldn't make that call correctly inside a phone booth!411.Hey Blue, You probably won't sleep well tonight 'cause you've slept the whole game!412.Hey Blue, Does your wife know that your screwing us again!413.Hey Ump, Stop staring at my MOM and waqtch the game!414,Blue..I thought only horses slept standing up!415.The last place team was so bad we gave them a special trophy never to play again!!416"Remember"said the coach,"Friends don't let friends play slow pitch!"417.A man was fined 100$ for public intoxication last night. When the cop found out he was our HS softball coach, he was fine another 100$ 418.After the shortstop made errors in 3 straight games, someone observed.."last year she won a Gold Glove..this year she's wearing it!"419.When the other team ran on the field,one parent saw how big they were and exclaimed "I've got internet stocks in better shape than that team!"420.A local softball league coach remarked "our magic number is down to 2"...another coach sadly lamented.."our magic number is 911"421.After the outfield missed several fly balls, the coach whispered to another..We couldn't catch a rash at a poisen ivy convention!422.If a young lady leaves home, makes 3 lefts and comes back home and then finds 2 people wearing steel masks; What has happened? She hit a homerun!!423.Last year our pitchers were so bad our idea of a "no-hitter" was a game where we didn't bean anyone! 424.One of our pitchers was quoted as saying..."I don't know what ERA means but I've got 7!" 425.One parent was overheard in the stands as he critisized a pitcher.."I've seen better control at a AA meeting!!"426.The pitching coach observed..I've seen better curves on my 200 lb. mother-in-law!!427. An obnoxious fan yelled out at a pitcher..."Be like a hooker and work the corners!" 428.The pitching coach remarked..."I've seen better pitching in T-Ball"429.A new player recently joined the team and told the coach,"everyone on the team hates me!" "Don't be rediculous!"said the coach..."some of the players haven't even met you yet!" 430.After getting just a few hits in a losing effore, the coach said to his team "we had fewer his than an Amish website!" 431.Upon evaluating the pitches on another team...someone exclaimed "I've seen better arms on a snake!" 432. A parent yelled out to the home plate umpire...Hey Blue, is this your cell phone? There's 3 missed calls on it! 433.Hey ump, that pitch was like your blind date! You didn't want to see her or call her! 434. As a player was leading a cheer she yelled....Give me an I... Give me another I...OK...Now give them to the umpire! 435.Hey Blue! How 'bout some Windex for that glass eye! 436.After dusting off home plate, a fan yells out..Hey ump, you're gonna make someone a great wife someday! 437.One parent to another...Hey, the circus is in town and the clowns are all wearing BLUE1! 438. Hey Blue, there's a town in Massachusetts named after you! It's called Marblehead!439.My pitcher asked her catcher.."You know what riseballs and jokes have in common? They both go over your head!"440. A softball coach went to get his car checked out and the repair guy told him "this can't be right,you have over 100,000 miles on this car and it's not even 1 year old!" The man replied "You don't understand,my daughter plays travel ball!" 441.My outfielders all went fishing this weekend! How did they do? The usual...they did't catch anything!442.I tell yah, my team is so inexperienced that when I tell a girl to "CHARGE IT" they all pull their credit cards out!!443. You know you've been coaching too much softball when the church you've been going to for the last 20 years asks you to fill out a visitors form!444.Hey Blue, You could'nt make the right call with a phone book! 445.Dinosaur Bone. A coach was conducting a small practice with an 8&under team in his back yard when several players yelled out "we found a dinosaur bone!" After the coach came over to look at the bone,one of the players looked at the coach and asked.."Did you kill it!" 446. You know your coach is a REDNECK when after 3 divorces, he still has the same in-laws!447.Knock Knock11...Who's there? Orange...Orange who?.....Orange you glad you're an intimidator!!!448. There are 3 types of softball players....Those who make it happen! Those who watch it happen!...And those who have no idea what happened! |
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