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Winning and Losing: Keeping a Sane Perspective
Richard Stratton and Jonathan Buzby As parents, how many of us get more upset about our child's team losing than they do? Do we also revel in a win long after our children have forgotten what the outcome even was? Have you ever listened to teams during pregame warm-ups as they discuss their opponent of the day? Often you overhear comments like "Gee this team is really good, I hear they are undefeated" and both teams are saying this! Game outcome is important, at least for a while but it doesn't really make a long lasting impression unless it is blown out of proportion. This isn't to say that children will enjoy losing or not be excited about winning. But in the end they should be most thrilled about having competed. We need to remember why the children participate in youth sports. If you ask most children why they play sports, the answers won't include, "To learn about sportsmanship," "For the social aspects," or "That's the only way I'll ever get a scholarship." What most kids will tell you is that they play sports because it's fun and they get an opportunity to learn skills. As parents it is our responsibility to help create a positive sports environment for our children. You wouldn't want another parent putting your child down for making an error, why should you? Would you want to continue going to an activity that every time you made a mistake you were criticized? Do you like to be lectured after a long day at work about all the things you could have done better? Put yourself in your child's shoes. Think about how you act at your children's games. Are you a self-designated sideline coach? The only person giving instructions to the players should be the head coach or the assistant coaches. We often forget (or have never experienced) what it's like playing in a competitive atmosphere. It's hard enough running, getting where you're supposed to be and playing your best, let alone having to listen to three different people yell three sets of instructions that you're not doing or should do (and usually never the same things). Next time you're going to yell something to your child, try yelling, "Good job, keep up the good work" and leave it at that. Hopefully the parents around you will follow your lead. I guarantee your child won't tell you after the game, "Jeez Dad/Mom, I missed you yelling instructions to me during the game." Listen to post-game discussions. The most important thing to the kids after a game is likely to be what the snack was that day or where they are going after the game rather than who won or lost. You know what, kids are smarter than we think! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article contributed by Coaching Youth Sports, an online newsletter presenting information about learning and performing sport skills. Parents Job Description:
Thought those of you considering the new job of parent might want to take a look at the requirements first. POSITION : Parent JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings, weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far-away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of end product. ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have left. BENEFITS: There is no health nor dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life. Dealing with the Worried Child: Author: Richard Stratton In today's society children seem to have many things to worry about. Young athletes have all these plus their worries coming from participating in youth sports. Most children approach their youth sports experience expecting to have fun, learn skills, enjoy competition, and maybe even improve their physical fitness. And, most children achieve these goals to one degree or another. Most children also suffer some level of distress during their youth sport experience. Much of it is self-produced as they worry about playing well and not making serious mistakes. To many people's surprise, children do not rank parents very high on their lists of sources of stress. Why is this such a surprise? Probably because the parents who are the exceptions to this statement are often the most visible parents at youth sport practices and competitions. They are the sports equivalents of the "stage mom." Somehow, parents have to figure out how to walk the line between being supportive of their child's efforts in sports, and interfering, or worse, controlling, their child's participation in sports. Dealing with your worried athlete requires the understanding that every child is different. You need to determine specifically what it is that the child is worried about. We have also found that children worry about many different things when they participate, they do not necessarily feel that their level of distress is so high that it is effecting their performance. One difficulty parents may have is determining when their child is distressed to the point that they should try to help. The most obvious signs are behavioral changes just before competitions, changes like inability to sleep, changes in eating habits, and so on. Do not be tempted to excuse these as "just being excited" although that may be the case, particularly if they only occur occasionally. There are several strategies parents might employ to help reduce distress. Help the child keep sports in perspective with the other activities in their life. Be honest with your child about what you expect of them in sports. There is probably nothing worse than a child worrying constantly about not living up to his or her parents' expectations in sports only to find out later that all the parents wanted was for the child to have fun. Make sure that the child has realistic expectations for themselves. Be supportive but in moderation. Remember, your actions at practices and competitions reflect on your child. Make them proud of you, don't embarrass them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article contributed by Coaching Youth Sports, an online newsletter presenting information about learning and performing sport skills. The Learning Moment: Author:David P. Hillgrove Editor's Note: David Hillgrove is Commissioner of the Inner City Soccer Program in Richmond, Va. I had a most blessed summer last year in that I was afforded the opportunity to provide daily support for my children (read: as a free lance writer, I took care of my kids all day, while my wife worked outside of the home). It was at times joy-filled, occasionally frustrating, and always enlightening. I'm not sure that there is a better way to "surround oneself with mirrors" (and thus learn a lot about yourself) than to spend the day with (in my case) three daughters, ages 2, 6 and 8. They don't let you miss much. Because of my set-up, I naturally spent a lot of time at events set aside for moms. And, conversely, when my wife came home, she often took complete charge of the kids to give me a little breather. When this took place at our community swimming pool, I took the opportunity to observe my favorite display of parental confusion: those dreadful Learning moments versus Teaching moments. They intrigue me because they remind me so much of the twenty years when I have observed soccer parents, both positive and negative. In addition, I find many dad's attitudes (including my own) quite humorous at times. Here's what I mean: Dad plops into the pool. His children couldn't be prouder. The smile beaming from their faces says so. Dad should be content to drink all this in, and follow his offspring throughout the day. If he/we were smart, the child's agenda would be the most important schedule of the day, in that Dad is so rarely alone with the kids. But no-o-o-o-o. "Dad is gonna teach you how to do a flip turn today." Now, Junior doesn't necessarily want to do a flip turn; he'd rather jump on Dad's back, splash Dad, frollick gaily with Dad, laugh out loud (and show all those silent friends of his how much fun His dad can be!). More than once I burst into laughter hearing: "But Son, I'm not always here, so I want to take this time to show you how to be a champion. I want to make you great. Don't you want to be a winner?" And there you have the difference between the Learning Moment and the Teaching Moment. The Learning Moment is the attitude of teacher, parent, friend, that surrenders the need to talk, and absorbs the need to listen. The Learning Moment provides full faith and credit in your young subject and empowers them to be so advanced that they could actually be aware of what they need best. The Learning Moment speaks to your young friend by saying: "The time is right for fertility, for ground that is plowed and fertilized, for an environment that is ready for learning. All I have to do is shut up, listen, and we may both learn from you." The Teaching Moment is all about arrogance, omnipotence and self-servitude. The Teaching Moment assumes that no one can influence this helpless child like Me; "I have the answers and you should be thankful that I am willing to share them at this time. I am here, you are there, take out your note pad and be prepared to be amazed." Learning Moment: "I love you and I am proud of you and I'll do whatever you want to do today. I trust you and I know we'll have fun. Besides, I'd like to learn a little bit about your world, also." Teaching Moment: "I am 'The Man,' and I am here, now. Granted I am in Seattle three days out of five, so that is why you must pay attention Now. I cannot always be here for you. You must watch my every move so you can become better, because I said so. Learn what I am teaching." How does this translate into valuable soccer lessons? Your child comes off the field, having missed an easy goal. Or his man travels unmarked into the penalty area to secure his team's win with a late minute goal. He trudges off dejected. He is hurting. His swollen eyes gaze up at you for support. Learning Moment: "How do you feel? What can we do to forget about this for awhile? Would you like a lifesaver?? Teaching Moment: "Keep your toe down on those shots, son! And for god's sake, stay goal side of your man. How many times do I have to tell you?" Your child is cut from his middle school team (or travel team, or whatever). He is embarrassed. Ridiculed. Dejected. Feeling Worthless. The Learning Moment would address his positive points, his wonderful family or his bright future, because He Is Hurting And Desperately Needs To Learn How To Feel. The Teaching Moment would review what he did wrong (despite his need to get completely away from soccer), or plot revenge on the coach. The adult substitutes his agenda for his child's. The Learning Moment/Teaching Moment controversy surrounds us everywhere in soccer: Substitution/Playing time; playing for a losing team; dealing with the ostracized child on your daughter's team; the child of divorced parents; the child of alcoholic parents; even the championship team with poor sportsmanship. While soccer is specifically the vehicle this author utilizes to share Teaching and Learning Moment theory, everyone would agree that there is a lot to be learned on the subject of parenting in the soccer world. Since soccer is a pastime that is usually family-oriented, and families tend to spend a great deal of time together in soccer, there are parenting issues here that are as real as in any Pavlovian Experiment. The Learning Moment is the ideal mindset we should be waiting to support our children with. The Teaching Moment attitude may be the heresy we are trying to eradicate from our pre-self- actualized lives. Because the very nature of a child is that of an "incomplete product" or an evolving potential, adults have to be very careful where they choose to teach, and when they chose to listen and learn. And perhaps children learn most effectively when we restrain our effervescence and try the latter. Listening and learning from our children can be good, because it is here that they learn how to teach themselves. It speaks to the trust we have in them, and the love that we find so difficult to put into words. Understanding when to speak and when to listen may be the very behavior that proves to our kids that we do love them. And since we are supposed to be teammates in this growing up thing, it is in listening that we may need our most amount of "training." A parent's guide to soccer Author:Buzz McClain Samantha started soccer this season. Besides practice on Monday evenings, my almost-6-year-old has matches on Saturday mornings. These activities set the rhythm of our household to a new beat. Watching the momentum of her life gather new speed has inspired me to join it rather than resist it, because it looks like Samantha's going to have fun. It was in that spirit I called her soccer coach and volunteered to be "co-coach," if he needed one. "I went to college on a soccer scholarship," I told him earnestly, trying to convince him of my credentials. "I was a four-year varsity letterman and taught at youth camps in the summers. I played adult league soccer for three years after that and " He cut me off. "The under-sixers play four-on-four with no goalie," he said flatly. "I guess I'm overqualified," I mumbled. "You're hired," he replied. It's been awhile since I played soccer, and I never played the variations of the under-6 league. When I was a kid, soccer was an anomaly, something referred to in movies but rarely seen on television sports broadcasts. We didn't even get it on public TV. But since the birth of the Richardson, Texas, U.S. Youth Soccer Association in 1974, the nation's soccer-playing population has skyrocketed - from a meager 100,000 to more than 3 million kids this year. The USYSA is the largest member of the U.S. Soccer Federation, says Irene Niemotka, director of membership and business operations for USYSA. There are 300,000 coaches, 600,000 administrators and 55 state associations, including two - North and South - in Texas alone. In addition to that, soccer is now a TV sports staple, particularly on the Fox Sports Network and other international cable and satellite stations. Now that I'm catching up with the sport of my young adulthood, I'm finding that the rules have changed, and not just for under-sixers. To become a better soccer dad, I've immersed myself in soccer law, so that I can better follow what's going on during the game when Samantha is on the field. The knowledge will come in handy: Her brother, Luke, will be eligible to play in another year. The rules, simplified: The rules of the game are maintained by the Swiss-based Federation Internationale de Football Association, or FIFA. There's a pretty good FIFA Web site (www.fifa.com) with tabs for the official rule book, but there are several concise roundups of the rules on the Web. This one is good: http://members.aol.com/msdaizy/sports/rules1.html. For those not online, I'll try to explain what it is you are looking at when you watch soccer - at least the grown-up version of the game. Basically, there are 11 players vs. 11 players trying to use their feet or heads to put a round ball (that's not redundant; the ball wasn't always round!) into the net of their opponent. This scores a point. The team with the most points at the end of the game - usually two 45-minute halves - wins. If the ball never went out of bounds or into the net, and if the players played fairly the entire 90 minutes, the referee would have to blow his or her whistle only four times! Can you think of when those times are? I'll give you a second to think about it and then tell you a few paragraphs from now what the answer is. When the ball goes out of bounds - that is, when it clears the white stripe that surrounds the field, and yes, it can hit the line and stay in-bounds - the game stops. It is restarted with a "throw-in," with a player from the team that didn't put it out of play throwing it onto the field. The thrower must throw it over his or her head using both hands and keeping both feet on the ground (you can drag a foot along the ground to gain extra force). When the ball is kicked past the goal line - but not when it goes into the goal - by a member of the attacking team, the game is restarted with a goal kick (at the top of that rectangle around the goal mouth). If the defenders were the last to touch it, the attackers get to take a corner kick (at the nearest corner from where it went out). You can't push, trip, hold, tackle from behind or do anything that limits the other team's chance to play the ball fairly. Those are penalties, and the non-offending team gets to take a penalty kick. The other team must be 10 yards away from the kick, and should the kick go into the goal, the point is scored. For obstruction, using hands or being off-sides (a fairly confusing situation I found best explained in one set of rules as "nearer to the opponents' goal line than to the ball unless a.) the player is on her own half of the field or b.) the player is not nearer to the opponents' goal line than at least two of the opponents"), the penalty is a free kick. It's the same as a penalty kick, except a goal can't be scored from it. Got it? Oh, and only the goalie may use his or her hands. For those of you eagerly waiting the answer to the whistling-blowing question above: The referee would blow the whistle only to start and end each half, for a total of four times. Of course, very little of this applies to Samantha's league. It's 4-on-4 coed with no goalie. It's herd soccer and total chaos. But it does have one thing in common with the more sophisticated level of play: It's a lot of fun. The Role of the Soccer Parent Author:Matt Spear It's an ongoing work in progress and often an uphill struggle. Many parents did not play the sport, so they have a hard time understanding the skills, tactics, and nuances of the game. This, in combination with the ever "living through their kids" issue, leads to many soccer parents who view the sport from both a foreign perspective and emotional inbalance. The following is an excellent take from a soccer parent who understands and cherishes her role. Top 5 things parents should do: 1. Pay attention when watching your child play. There will be a test in the car on the way home! 2. Stay positive -- Cheer!! Don't yell. 3. Support each player on the team, not just your kid -- he/she can't do it alone! 4. Set a good example and never yell at the referee. 5. Volunteer! Being involved in your child's soccer organization is fun and you'll make many wonderful friends!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article contributed by Direct Kick, a monthly coach's newsletter. Tweens and Teens Identify soccer as their Anti-Drug Nationwide Campaign Asks, "What's Your Anti-Drug?" America's youth say the influence of their parents and family and participation in sports are among the most important factors in their decision to stay away from illicit drugs, according to a nationwide campaign that asks children between the ages of 9 and 17 the question, "What's your Anti-Drug?" The answers came from more than 25,000 kids between the ages of 9 and 17 who responded to the question posed by the ONDCP's National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign between September 1 and December 1. The Anti-Drug message is part of a nationwide advertising and community outreach campaign that has reached millions of children and their parents since it began more than two months ago. "It's very encouraging to see that America's youth on their own gravitate toward their parents and family when it comes to the support they need to keep away from drugs," said Barry McCaffrey, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP), which oversees the Campaign. "The words and actions of parents, or other adult influencers, are more effective than they may think in keeping their children away from drugs." Kids responded online and through the mail with answers that ranged from a single word to creative expressions that included art, music, photography and poetry. Some of their responses will be included in national television ads, which began running in mid-November. "Besides producing an impressive response from thousands of kids, it has also engaged millions more in thinking about their own Anti-Drug," McCaffrey said. The results underscore the findings of a 1999 government survey that reported an overwhelming majority of 12-to-17 year olds has never used illicit drugs. In addition, despite any apparent disinterest they may show when talking about drugs with their parents, tweens and teens appear to be getting the message that illicit drug use will disappoint their families, damage their health, and will not be tolerated in their homes. Their responses clearly indicate that today's youth have active lives, aspire to success, and care a great deal about their families and communities. Besides family, friendship, hobbies and sports, kids also cited a wide variety of other Anti-Drugs. Some highlighted personal values and goals, including their high expectations for the future: "my whole outlook," "confidence," "self-esteem," "my life," "my dreams," and "self-respect." Many others showed their commitment to service and their community in responses such as "doing community service," "cooking for the poor," "people who care," "serving my community," and, "volunteering." Some kids were inspired by the impact of drug abuse in their own families and shared their thoughts and feelings on the "What's Your Anti-Drug?" Web site and through post cards: "My dad died because of drugs. That's my reason" for staying off drugs, one wrote. "My brother ruined his life and our family because of drugs," another said. "Parents hold the key to preventing their child's drug use," said clinical child psychologist Dr. Wade Horn, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, and co-author of a new book for parents of adolescents. "They are the single most important influencer and have critical roles in setting family rules. Being a supportive role model for your kids is one of the best ways to make them feel good about themselves and to keep them off of drugs," he said. Dr. Horn said, parents should encourage their kids to participate in positive alternatives to drugs by supporting the activities and hobbies that become their children's Anti-Drugs. "Parents also need to stay actively involved in their children's daily lives to help keep them away from substance abuse." Parents can get more tips by visiting the multi-lingual Web site, www.theantidrug.com, which is designed by the National Youth Anti-Drug Campaign to help parents keep their kids healthy, safe, and drug-free. The site has been translated into Spanish, Cambodian, Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese, and can be accessed through the site's homepage. It also offers a brochure in English and Spanish, "Parenting Skills: 21 Tips and Ideas to Help You Make a Difference," which can be downloaded or ordered by calling 800-788-2800. Parents are being asked to encourage their kids to submit their Anti-Drugs to , www.whatsyourantidrug.com where an interactive mosaic of kids' anti-drugs is continually being built. Information about "What's Your Anti-Drug?" can be obtained by calling 877-958-5900. "What's Your Anti-Drug?" was developed in coordination with the Partnership for a Drug-Free America (PDFA) and its member advertising agencies. It includes community outreach through more than 40 of the nation's largest service organizations, including: YMCA of the USA, US Hispanic Leadership Institute, United National Indian Tribal Youth, Youth Service America, National Urban League Partnership, Boys and Girls Clubs, and the Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America. In 1998, with bipartisan support of the Congress and the President, ONDCP created the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, an effort designed to educate and empower all youth to reject illicit drugs. The Campaign relies on ads developed by PDFA. In less than two years, the Campaign's messages have become ubiquitous in the lives of America's youth and their parents. For Coaches and parents: Cheshire (Connecticut) Soccer Club editied by Dan Woog DON'Ts: Don't shout instructions to the player with the ball. The player has enough problems maintaining possession while making quick and difficult decisions about what to do next. He or she must learn to make decisions without your input. Don't use such phrases as "boot the ball," "kick it," or "send it." First, you violate rule No. 1; second, you encourage panic rather than good decision making, and mindless kicking rather than possession. Don't try to control the game from the sidelines. You can't! A soccer coach is not an active participant in the game. Soccer is played, controlled and ultimately coached by the players on the field. Teach players to "coach" themselves. Don't try to teach "aggressiveness." In soccer, what is perceived as "aggressive play" merely reflects the confidence a player has in his or her own abilities. Teach the skills that generate confidence; encourage players to believe in themselves. If you do, they will play "aggressively." Don't abuse game officials, or show disrespect for opponents. Referees make fewer mistakes than your players; your opponents are not your enemy. Be aware of the example you set for your players. Don't forget rule No. 1! DOs Do offer suggestions to players not currently involved in what is happening on the field. Brief words of advice are helpful to players who have time to consider them (those who are either out of the match or on the field far from the ball). Do encourage players to use the skills they are being taught. Encourage - and sometimes push - players to experiment in scrimmages and games. If this approach costs goals, learn to accept temporary setbacks as the price of progress, and recognize them as opportunities to help players improve. Soccer is best learned through trial and error. Do teach players to coach themselves on the field. By the time they find themselves on a full-size field they will be unable to hear you anyway. Players must learn to assist each other in making hundreds of split-second decisions each game. Do teach players the game's skills, and encourage them to hold the ball long enough to make good decisions about what to do next. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article courtesy of Soccer America's Youth Soccer Letter and editor Dan Woog. |
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