Dr. Alan Goldberg - - www.competitivedge.com

(Loud adult noise from the sidelines) “Shoot the ball! Kick it! Come on 'insert the name of your child'; for God’s sake shoot it! The child who’s related to the voice nervously tries to pass the ball to their nearest teammate but instead, it awkwardly dribbles off the side of their foot out of bounds. The child’s parent is now yelling.) “What the heck’s wrong with you? What are you doing? I said shoot it! Do it like I showed you! Now don’t be lazy! Move your butt and go get that ball back! (The child looks miserable and quickly glances over to the sidelines at thier parent before they hang their head and run after the ball. A few minutes later an opposing player cleanly tackles the child and takes the ball away from them. The referee’s whistle is silent. The parent explodes at the official.) “Are you blind or what? Where’s the foul? How can you not call anything there? That’s a yellow card, ref! How can you not see that? (The referee trots over to the parent and tells them to calm down. The parent doesn’t back down). “I wouldn’t be complaining if you just did your job!” (The referee glares at the parent and warns them to keep their mouth shut otherwise he will have them removed from the game. Suddenly it has become very quiet on the field as the game comes to an abrupt halt. The child and a number of players from both teams stop and watch the altercation. The child seems to be cringing in embarrassment, looking for a way to disappear…. Just another FUN day on the soccer field!)

In theory, soccer is supposed to be an enjoyable “game” organized for and played by kids. Its’ purpose is to teach game skills, tactics and a love for physical activity. In addition, and when in the hands of appropriate adults, soccer provides its’ young participants with a whole host of valuable life learning experiences like hard work as a vehicle for success, teamwork, good sportsmanship, healthy competition, mastering adversity in the pursuit of a goal and utilizing failure constructively, all of which are geared towards building self-confidence and leaving the child feeling better about himself. In theory!

Unfortunately, as the above scenario all too commonly illustrates, the reality of today’s youth soccer experience is vastly different. Misguided adults, both parents and coaches are inadvertently and selfishly distracting the child-athlete from what’s really important and, in the process, killing their joy for the sport. Parents like the child above, who get too caught up in the game’s outcome, who pressure their kids to perform, who are overly critical and demeaning when they make mistakes, insure that their child will consistently play way below her potential, seriously jeopardize the parent-child relationship and increase the likelihood that their child will soon become a sports drop-out statistic.

There’s no question that the vast majority of parents mean well and want their children to be happy and successful. Towards this end, they are willing to sacrifice their time, energy and financial resources taxiing their kids to and from practices, getting them additional training, volunteering for team and club functions and spending countless hours on the sidelines at tournaments and games. Unfortunately, far too many parents do not know exactly what they should and shouldn’t be doing to be the most helpful. Despite having positive intentions and their child’s best interests at heart, these parents say and do things before, during and after games that distract the child from focusing on the actual game, increase their anxiety level and, as a consequence, sabotage their overall level of play.

So just how important is it for you as a parent that your child has a positive, enriching experience in this sport? Do you really want your son or daughter to perform to their potential? Are you truly interested in seeing smiles out there during games instead of tears and unhappiness? If your answer to these questions is a resounding “YES!” then there are very specific things that you can do as a parent to make these things happen. Your role in relation to your child’s soccer is absolutely critical in determining the quality of their experience. If you adopt the appropriate behaviors and play the right role, then you will ensure that soccer brings a smile to your child’s face and joy to his heart. If you play the wrong role and act like the parent above, then you’ll end up making a significant contribution to your child’s unhappiness and heartache.

So what’s the right role? First and foremost your main “job” is to be your child’s best fan. You need to be unconditionally supportive. If your child is having a bad game, then they need your love and support far more than when she’s playing out of her mind. After a tough loss or a poor outing they need you to be positive, compassionate and loving. Providing feedback on what they did wrong or expressing your disappointment in their play is NOT what they need and will only serve to make a painful situation much worse.

Along these lines, love and support does NOT mean that you coach from the sidelines. In fact, the VERY WORST THING that you as a parent can do is to “coach” from the sidelines. What’s coaching? Offering “helpful” advice and strategy before and during the game, telling your child what to do and where to go, criticizing their play and getting angry with them when they make mistakes are all examples of off-limit, exceedingly destructive parental behaviors. After game critiquing is another example of VERY destructive parental coaching behavior. Understand that you are NOT helping your child when you coach. You will NOT get them to play better. You are NOT motivating them, even if you know the game and that’s your intention! On the contrary! Coaching and critiquing from the sidelines will distract your child from the flow of the game, make him more nervous, kill their enjoyment and, as a consequence, insure that they will consistently play badly. In addition, keep in mind that your “helpful” sideline comments are most often experienced by your child as an embarrassment! Coaching behaviors are only appropriate from the coaches, NOT the parents.

Instead, parents should smile from the sidelines, cheer for good execution regardless of which side it comes from, and encourage fair play and good sportsmanship. This means that you as a parent need to model appropriate, mature behaviors during the game. Yelling at your child, his teammates or theopponents is NOT mature, appropriate behavior. Loudly critiquing the officiating is NOT mature or appropriate either. It is NOT your job to critique the referees. Regardless of how well you may know this game, your calls are not better than the referees’. Excuse me, but you are just a tad bit biased in this situation! Loudly complaining to the ref every time he makes a “bad call” is not only an embarrassment to your child, but it’s quite selfish on your part. It takes the focus of the game off of the kids where it belongs and puts it on YOU. Remember, soccer is about the kids, NOT the adults.

Along these same lines it is NOT appropriate for you to spend your sideline time grumbling to other parents about your team’s coaches and the playing or tactical decisions that they make. If you have a problem with the coaches then deal with them at an appropriate time and place, NOT just before, during or right after a game. What they need from you is your support and help, NOT your disdain and criticism.

Finally, try to act on the sidelines in a way that would make your son or daughter proud to have you as a parent. Remember, your child is not the only one that’s performing during the game. You are also a performer and the quality of theirexperience is in your hands. Conduct yourself in such a way that you clearly communicate to your child and those around you that this is just a game forchildren, played by children. That is, you need to keep the proper perspective at all times. If there are other parents around you who are unable to maintain this kind of perspective, notify the team’s coach or league officials. It’s not your job to get in the face of another parent for misbehaving. Let the coach or parent boardeducate them at the next parents’ meeting.

Remember, soccer is a wonderful vehicle to help your children learn valuable life lessons. Do your part to insure that the lessons that they learn are constructive and positive.

 Rule No. 1: Keep POSITIVE support, encouragement, cheer leading and general screaming and hollering to a MAXIMUM on the touchlines. 

When the players are working hard, they need and deserve everyone's best POSITIVE encouragement and support. They need to know you're there and that their effort is appreciated. Most teams have a tough enough time developing a sense of teamwork and achievement at the same time the players are gaining experience and skill. They DO NOT need to hear YOUR anxiety piled on top of their own when the game is going poorly. If you really want to make things worse, crank your voice up a few notches and shout "Get it outta there!"

Rule No. 2: DO NOT CRITICIZE referees or players of either team for any reason.

If the referees really ARE doing poorly, they may get angry or offended by critical spectators and that may make things tougher for the team. If they are good at what they do, they will ignore you, or perhaps ask you to leave the field. Either situation is at best distracting and at worst reflects poorly on the team's overall sportsmanship.

Publicly criticizing players on your team can really hurt team morale. They will already have an EXCELLENT idea what their weaknesses are from their coaches and teammates. They will not need reminders from their families, friends and other spectators.

The players for the other team are also trying hard and in truth are probably no meaner or nastier than players from your team. Criticism is simply poor sportsmanship and leads to unnecessary bad feelings on and off the field. The unfortunate spectacle of a supposed adult shouting insults at a child on a soccer field is merely disgusting. Soccer is a game, not a war.

Rule No. 3: Don't coach players from the touchlines, or for that matter while THEY are on the touchlines.

In most leagues, coaching from the sidelines is frowned on, and rightly so. Soccer is different from most sports in the US, because it is a game of the players. Coaches are supposed to intrude as little as possible.

If you feel a child is not doing what should be done, tell the coaches, not the player. As parents occasionally discover, a player may be doing EXACTLY what the coaches have instructed. Either way, a parent can help a player's athletic development much better working together with the coaches, not independently.

Rule No. 4: Give the players, coaches and referees room to work.
Many organizations have rules which require that spectators on the touchlines stay in an area between the penalty boxes, and keep all parts of their bodies (even outstretched feet) at least one yard behind the touchline. Do not crowd the touchlines for any reason and stay away from the goal area to avoid interfering with those involved in the game.

Rule No. 5: Remember, IT'S ONLY A GAME.

Don't forget, YOUR attitude on the touchlines can affect the mood and success of the team. If the coaches think that your touchlines activity is hurting team performance in any way, they should promptly advise you, hopefully without ruffling any of your feathers. Be tolerant. Emotions run high during games, and feelings are easily hurt.

Nevertheless, any spectator, whether parent, friend or player, who persists in inappropriate touchlines behavior after being warned by the coaches should be asked to leave the vicinity of the field. Coaches should not argue with parents at the game. If YOU want to talk about the game, call the coaches later at home or get them aside after the game.

Positive self-esteem is a favorable perception of one's self, or, how happy you are with just being you. In ...

The FA Respect Guide Videos

Excellent English FA's Respect videos for parents and carers. They are hard hitting, true to life and demonstrate parents' behaviours and its impact on the player. You can see them at: http://www.thefa.com/respectguide/

Click on the title above to go to the site.