Scholes Cricket Club: First Ever Fanzine!!

Tuesday, November 3
FIRST EVER SCHOLES CC FANZINE BY CHAS PONSFORD

I'll post bits of this to hopefully keep you entertained thoughout the bleak midwinter months - I think it came out in 1993 ish

TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER THE SPEECH AT LAST YEAR'S DINNER?   HERE'S THE WHOLE TEDIOUS AFFAIR    (As delivered by Chas P)

The theme of this speech is Scholes insanity. Madness of various forms raged through the club with the speed of Mel downing a pint or Paul Hertzberg leaving the club on a Saturday evening. You've witnessed one example already - Paul Clarke won the catching prize. This man, a day after being voted player of the tour, dropped 6 catches in one game v Rastrick. How the hell did he win the prize? It was as unexpected as Douglas Bader winning the Olympic 100m sprint.

The season started off quite well - we had a new club skipper in Stuart Greaves, or Dennis as he was affectionately nicknamed by Coddy after the 1970's Man City winger Dennis Tueart as both share a nose as prominent as a bull elephant's wedding tackle - to use one of Mel's famous comparisons. Stuart led the team to a series of sound early season victories despite himself batting at the pace of a sponge wielding Paul Hertzberg.  (Incidentally, the only thing Paul middled all season was the ball that dislocated his finger in the Paddock Shield Final) Paul Wharton, despite the stress of allowing J Belfield/D Brook and Mark Turner to help modernize his Holmfirth mansion accumulated runs like Belfield accumulates enemies - easily and quickly.  Most clubs would have been ecstatic with such a start, but not Scholes. In the bar after games there were various ridiculous comments by the usual 30 odd backseat captains in the club. The moaning madness climaxed in the clubhouse when, after a lengthy and unhealthy debate over tactics Stuart turned to A Coldwell, festering over his fully merited non-selection for the First XI "Well what wiould you do then?" was the exasperated cry from the newly appointed skipper. "Well for a start I'd drop you" says Coddy. "Why?" asks Stuart, "because you're crap" replies Coddy. Welcome to Scholes Stuart....

The Second XI as we have witnessed had a highly successful season, of course. But madness was never very far away. Right at the end of the season, C Hatton, always one box short of a cricketer, elected to play in a micky mouse 2nd XI game instead of possibly exocetting his way to glory in a crucial first team game.. Fortunately, we had the ideal replacement in Neil Gledhill. I mean, when a bowler’s having to cope with a wet end, Neil’s the fastest man with a bucket of sawdust I’ve ever seen. A certified Neil picked up a fully deserved Wally of the tour award – for example, in the first night he was fined for “failing to oil and paint every gate in Guernsey after having been on the island for over six hours.”

Insane psychotic behaviour was again in evidence during the Paddock Shield run. The Paddock Shield has a rich recent history of bringing out the best in the club’s psycho’s. In 1990 Tim Collier drop kicked his loser’s medal into the crowd – in 1991 v Kirkheaton Paul Hertzberg gobbed on an abusive opponent (in fact he gobbed about as much liquid as he’s supped in all his time at the club) Then 1992 – ASHLEY PAMMENT!!

Ashley, upwardly mobile, the apparent young gentleman, carried out a marvellous example of doll’s head behaviour in this year’s final. Late in the innings he was bowled a juicy half volley by the Skelmanthorpe bowler, and Laura did what most late middle order batsman at Scholes do – spooned it up in the air. As the bowler waited to pouch the simple dolley, dolls-head Pamment went into action and in front of a capacity attendance proceeded to take out the bowler in a full blocked Kenworty type tackle. The poleaxed opponent failed to make the catch, but the umpire gave the wide eyed Ashley out DHBW – dolls head before wicket, and the Ashley tried pathetically to make it allright by shaking hands with the bowler who was just putting his ribs back in. “Well we didn’t come here to make friends” was the sheepish comment as he returned to the accusing silence of the pavilion. Ashley’s dad was disgusted – “he wouldn’t get away with that at Lascelles Hall” he muttered. True Mr Pamment, however at Lascelles Hall I don’t think you would get away with the awful singing you contributed to the after match knees up back at Scholes – your performance seriously threatened Bert’s position at the club as “the mose energetic singer of songs you’ve never heard before in your life”.

Madness in the Second team reached a peak in the first of only 2 defeats in the season. A 3-1 reverse at Elland. Despite being unbeaten J Belfield had been demonstrating his insanity throughout the first half of the season. Paul Hertzberg was scoring consistently but John Edward had selected him as a victim of his verbal phlegm, probably for scoring all his runs without endangering any fielder beyond fist slip or silly mid on. Yet it was John’s old sparring partner Paul Livesey who was about to cop his full school masterly venom. We had already been lambasted by the skipper yet again for being the worst fielding team in the history of cricket, when Demps attempted a couple of mindbogglingly ridiculous run outs, and to compound his crime was indulging in some typical back seat captaincy. John Edward, by the 40th over was on the verge of hysteria. Demps came out with another audible piece of nonsense from the boundary – Belf turned on him. “One more time and you’re off. You’ll never play for this team again…I’m going to lay you out…etcetc” Belf then dislocated his finger with some hamfisted buffoonery at point. How unfortunate we all said. How unfortunate it wasn’t his mouth.

Dave Wilde took over the captaincy so 10 people decided Demps should open the batting. Hewrattled up an adrenalin pumped 70 odd and was warned by the umpires for talking to himself while batting with cries of “that’s 4” , “that’s better” and “great shot” and other demented Dempsey rubbish. Irresponsibly after this heroic knock, he holed out. Soon Belf returned head to foot in bandages looking for sympathy. How unfortunate he didn’t get any. How unfortunate they hadn’t bandaged his mouth up. Then the madness started. Despite a brilliant knock that he hadn’t even seen, Belf told Demps “you’re dropped”. The following week Paul Livesey was picked for the First Team. Demps, not happy with this and juiced up in the bar, proclaims he’s the number one bat in the club and should replace 500 run man Paul Wharton, which is like Neil Mallendar proclaiming he’s the sexiest man on the County circuit. So what did our number one bat do? Three consecutive 0’s later he was back in the Seconds, his boasting as impotent as his duff racing tips.

This selection farce was the first of a number of gaffes. Dave Wilde, the man with the dress sense of an over-flowing bin bag, despite being voted in as Second team skipper was under threat of being dropped from the second XI. Probably, as Suzanne told me, due to the executive stress of doing a paper round.. Of course he ended up in the First team, and then played a boys own heroic knock in the Paddock Shield final. Another insane piece of selection. Dave Wilde – the man with the square drive of a West Indian opener and the charisma of Mr Bean.

Selection madness peaked in the final fixture of the season at genital City, otherwise known as ***tone, when a man who averaged an astronomic 7 with the bat, struggled to get in the Sunday XI, and was about 5th choice wicketkeeper for the Second XI was selected for the First team. This was the man who gives you a pint when you’re only half way down the other – and demands cash. That master of early nights, the odd half, Jesus sandals and horrendous headware – BOB BOORMAN. Having been picked to keep wicket, he of course didn’t. Averaging 7 with the bat he was inserted at number three, and was appropriately skittled all over the place by another by another well known straight jacket contender Martin Rowe. Yes, the same Bob Boorman, who when he plays I spy with Beth to keep her quiet never gets past the letters A and B – Alcohol and Beer.

TO BE CONTINUED......



DISCLAIMER
This is an independent production, and is not sanctioned by Scholes Cricket Club. Neither does the Club have any editorial control over the content or material contained herein. The views and opinions contained herein are not necessarily those of Scholes Cricket Club, and the Club makes no representation regarding the accuracy of the facts as reported or expressed on these pages.

SO LONG DAVE, AND 'FANKS FOR ALL 'DEM RUNS
SO LONG DAVE, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE RUNS

Dave Weston has left us after nine years sterling service to Scholes C.C, and “Spaghetti” was content enough for me to ask him a few regulation questions about his cricketing career at Chapelgate, without any of that naughty ‘Loaded’ innuendo Ashley insisted upon.

You played for us for nine fantastic years since arriving from ‘orrible ‘Ullen Edge Dave, what are your favourite memories?   
Very hard to pick out from so many great times; but firstly on the
field, the Sykes Cup run of 1996, culminating in our fantastic win at Elland was very special, not only for the great victories on the field, but for the fact that at that time our side was coming together. We were all at the right age, only 2 married (and one of those was Hutch) and we used to celebrate in Holmfirth ‘till 3 in the morning which did wonders for team spirit.
Obviously the Championships and the feeling of relief afterwards, but also the pride felt in that we were all so committed to achieving our success and enjoying the game as well. Some may also remember us beating the mighty Sheffield Collegiate (without Parky!!) in a great game in which everyone contributed and the opposition played a full part, which summed up what cricket at a good level is all about.
On a personal level hundreds at Kirkheaton, Thongsbridge in a Sykes Cup semi and v Linthwaite for different reasons all rank highly. Away from that the naked cricket episode was incredible, as was our first tour of Shrewsbury.

Who has been the most influential person either on or off the field in your time at Scholes?
For me, Paul Wharton without a doubt, his personality and enthusiasm
attracted me to the club, he was a great captain to play under, and I
enjoyed (and still do) his theories on cricket and positive view on
everything. I also marvel at his ability to still consume volumes of beer I struggled to manage at my college peak!

Which do you rate your best innings?
No one else will even rate it but in 2000 we had lost the Sykes Cup final as usual, and the next League game was away at Slaithwaite our rivals for the Premiership. Everyone was a bit down and I had a chat with Glenn Roberts (Wanker –Editor inserted bit) before the game when all he could talk about was money and offers. I asked the team to put in a big performance and struggling for form chipped out 80 which laid the foundations for a winning score and ultimately the Championship which meant so much. For me it was what playing for a team is all about.

As a batter, who were the best opponents with the ball?
Best bowlers, Paul Booth and Dave Cocking when conditions are in their favour, ie at Meltham or when it is green and wet. I also rated Graham Hurlbatt highly at his peak, and he is still up there now because standards have gone down and he swings it both ways. Ryan Robinson is good but only stands out so much because of the previous statement.


And who were your favourite batters to either play with or watch from square leg?
Wasim Jaffer is obviously head and shoulders above anyone. If there has been anyone better ever in the league I would have loved to have seen him. Coddy when we are 180-4 with 10 left and at home. Paul Wharton when anyone bowled at middle and leg. In other teams Al Abadin hit it further than anyone

You had a few run-ins with the odd Umpire – any comments on general standards….
I was always wound up when I was Captain, because I like to win and am competitive. The only real run in was with Ron Tindall which I thought and I think this season’s events have proved was at least partly understandable.
The thing with Armitage was just a joke and a complete stitch up on both myself and Scholes as a club. It was such a joke I even won the appeal!! I am now much more relaxed about cricket and there is no danger of me ever getting involved again. As far as standards go many are poor and do not understand the Lbw law and think that if they just stand there saying not out all day they have done well. I do appreciate them standing now though because the game is in trouble and the shortages will only get worse.

How far do you believe standards have dropped since you’ve been playing in the Huddersfield League?
Standards have fallen at least 20%, and even further in Section B and in 2nd teams. There were always strugglers like Paddock and Bradley Mills, but in general teams had more bowling depth. What you are seeing now is teams making up 1st teams with stalwart 2nd team players. There are very few 15-17 year olds that can really play, and average overseas players dominating games and being paid far too much for the privledge. (Exactly the same as county cricket)

I know you had some good positive views on the way forward for a club like Scholes – care to share them before you thrash us with Barkisland next season?
I would love to see the club being successful in the long term, but for this to happen some investment in youth is vital. Because kids play less cricket now they have no background in the longer game. Once you have a basic skill level, you learn the most between 14-18 by honing your skill batting or bowling in longer games, you also learn by playing with better players.Many clubs will fall away, but Scholes have a good opportunity to bring youngsters through by playing properly organised Sunday games if some one wants to organise it. Qualified coaches are also vital.

Any printable Coddy stories?
Too many to pick one out, but I expect his knee will be alright to bowl at me next season!

Thanks to everyone for the past nine years, I hope to play Huddersfield League 1st team cricket for another 5/6 yrs but I will be lucky to come close to the last nine in terms of enjoyment and achievement.


CHAOS 2003 REVIEW
CHAOS – AKA The Swinndler has been a much valued contributor to both the website and fanzine in the last two years. This is his tribute to the 2003 class of Second Eleven heroes…and this was the very last thing he ever composed on his now Africa bound computer.
Captain Chaos Signing off with a tribute to the Second XI….
Well folks, I have been El Capitano for two seasons and am now ready for a break, Rob Load has manfully stepped into the breach as it were and I am sure he will do a fine job. Here are this year’s pen portraits starting with……
Tom Brook
Tom is developing into a fine young cricketer, he has had some good innings in friendlies, but scored some great runs in the league against Linthwaite (away). I have said it before and I will say it again, Tom will score many runs for Scholes in the future, keep your eye on him. Tom fact: Tom scored 14339 goals for Hepworth U11’s last season.
Josh Brook
Josh is making the transition from scorer in the pavilion to scorer on the field. He has a good presence at the wicket and has begun to get some runs for the seconds and in the juniors. Josh is going to be even harder to get out as he develops, he is a nice young man and again, I think he and his brother will score many, many runs for Scholes. Josh fact: Josh is known as Mbeda to most people in Scholes, although only Coddy knows why.
Nicky Brook
The superlatives have finally run out for this man’s batting antics. I am in awe of his mental perseverance as he has amassed over a thousand runs to help us maintain our premiership status. Nicky, you are a living Scholes legend, it is a pleasure opening the batting with you, you are a top bloke and thank you. Buster fact: Nicky has scored more runs for Scholes than Melly Booth has had hot dinners, by 3.
Louis Brook
Louis is the finest bike rider in the area. My particular favourite stunt of Louis’s is when he rides head first into the Hall Bower patio and always remains unscathed. Marvellous. Louis fact: Louis spends an average of £52.77 at each game on sweets and pop.
Janet Brook
I am sure that Janet is a huge cricket fan and we value her support in those tricky games, keep feeding them menfolk whatever it is they have……..3,4,5, Weetabix????
Daryl Brook (supported by Margaret and Megan)
Daryl’s finest moment this season was when he bowled some magic at Methley and they all got out, fantastic. I think Daryl has had more than his fair share of holidays this year and he also needs an iron for THAT shirt but apart from that he has been his usual smashing self. Daryl fact: Daryl lost 3 stone several winters ago and his physique shames everyone else at the club, apart from Melly.
Andrew Brook (no relation)
Brooky has broken into the seconds from the juniors and has done pretty well. With a bit more practise, hopefully he will be able to beat the round world yachting record as boating is his real love. Andrew fact: Sailing is done on water whilst cricket is played on grass.
Lieutenant Helmut Grubelsniffler
Gareth Wakefield hit the best six I have ever seen to help us win a tricky away fixture at Honley, he is a right nice lad and I hope he stays at Scholes for a long time. Gareth always gives 100% and it is appreciated. Gruber fact: Gareth’s head is used by builders to check if their walls are flat and he is 1.2% German.
“Uncle” Graham Dodgson
In the annals of history Dotty will be remembered as a fine captain and cricketer of some repute. This may not necessarily be based on this season’s performances for the seconds and against friendly teams but Dotty is a great supporter and I am sorry that I was usually out whenever he arrived at the ground. Dotty fact: Dotty has quietly been accumulating profits from Shepley Spring by diverting it to his living room and bottling it as Evian, then selling it at Car Boot sales.
Andrew Walshy Walsh
Walshy is more of a tennis man but did fill in for us in the holiday season and steered us to a magnificent victory over Meltham. This game was also notable for Meltham bemoaning the fact that they cannot get their juniors to play for their senior sides……….look and learn Mean Laners!!!!! Walsh fact: Andrew is ranked 567334 in men’s world tennis.
Craig Martian (supported by Mabel and Tony)
The Martian has bought a new bat this year and he needs to start using it. It is good to have him back at the club but he needs to realise that next time he jumps over my garden wall to kidnap Elvis, there is a goodly drop to beware of. Marsh fact: Sally Swindell thinks that Craig, is in fact 34. Extra Marsh fact: Marsh took 4 million catches this season.
Andrew Pellfish
Pelly gets his fare share of 1st team duty and on the whole he does it without moaning. He has matured a bit over the last couple of years and is a nice young man. I was pleased to see him get some wickets for the 1’s on the last day of the season even though his hair was poor. Pelly fact: Pelly has had “poor” hair for 84% of the season.
The Holme Valley Viking
Melly is great but he always disappears half way through the season to go to California for the annual cow pat throwing competition, he never wins, but is the UK’s best ever finisher, eating 24 cow pats at one sitting. Melly is a top bloke and I look forward to seeing his taut sweater straining next season. Melly fact: Melly never showers after a game but rarely smells.
H Dog, Chunkfish, Badgerferret Bryson
Harry has finally got used to showering after games. The team were rightly proud of H when he had his first shower and put his clothes on the balcony, thus encouraging him to shower after every match. H has played more cricket for Scholes than any other club member and he can justifiably say he has got better and looks like he may be a useful middle order biffer for many years. Harry fact: Harry is 6 foot 3, weighs 200 pounds and is only 15 years old - hooly dooly, he is going to be a big one.
Neil, Jan and Jackishi Bryson
Not many teams have fans as dedicated to their efforts as the Brysons. They were there to be part of history when we beat Golcar (away) at the end of the 2001 season and they have been at nearly every game since. Neil and Jan’s help with the wicket and drinks and Kish’s help with scoring are MASSIVELY appreciated and I hope all the boundaries I smash somehow repay your allegiance, THANK YOU.
Swervin’ Clarke
I often comment on the big man’s tight chef’s trousers and this year is no exception. We were all saddened to hear of Erv’s retirement from the game this year but pleased when he turned out for every game following his announcement. Tempremental, unreliable, frightening and downright badass with his attitude are NOT phrases I would associate with Ervin. Placid, serene and a very sharp quickie are better descriptions as are VVVV TIGHT for his trousers. Ervin fact: Ervin wears chef’s trousers to play in because they have a rear pocket made from Lycra to put his wallet in.
Bob Boorman
Bob is ever-willing and the fittest 51 year old I know, he has taught Matthew well and is a great supporter of the team. Bob has a slightly eccentric take on life, as the 757 cars in his front garden prove. Bob fact: Bob is actually 86 but looks younger due to the fresh air in Scholes and health restoring beer at the Club.
Matty B -Boorfish (supported by Carmel)
Matthew will be a good cricketer as he has style and technique, he just needs some POWER. He is a well balanced lad but is just getting into Stella and girls so it might all go to pot over the winter (not literally I hope!). Matthew may grow a Jacob MD style beard but if he does, we shall just have to accept his “out there” persona and get on with it. Matty fact: Matthew did not want to play second team cricket last season because he was scared of me.
Ian Beck
Becky drove from Barnsley with 3 lads to help us out when were short early on in the season at Hall Bower, I am very grateful for this and it shows that Scholes instills a place in people’s hearts that doesn’t go away. Becky fact: Ian has knees made from titanium, the joints were originally used for the Lunar Module landing craft of Apollo 11, when it landed on the moon.
Stephen Hopes
Played one game with a very sore shoulder and saw us home to a win against Meltham -all round hero and good friend. Hopes fact: Hopes would like to find a nice woman to settle down with (after lots of wheheyheyeheyey), does anyone know of a nice Yorkshire lass who might like him?????
Samuel Lockwood (supported by whole family)
Sam is a good lad, a real trier and cares deeply about the team. His batting, bowling and fielding have all improved and with some extra work he should strive to establish himself in the team. Sam fact: Sam’s family sponsored some caps for the team and we are VERY GRATEFUL for this. They also sponsored a match ball for us which was also VERY KIND. Extra Sam fact: Sam has excellent sideburns for a young man.
Paul Hertzberg (supported by Russell and Grandad)
Paz has been my right hand man (nothing sexual in that) for the last two years. I am indebted to him for all his help, support and guidance whilst I have been captain and am truly grateful. Paz is often maligned for his steady run accumulation but he has worked his snadgers off for the team this season and I am chuffed that he has done so well. Paz fact: In the winter, Paz works as a lift attendant in Zermatt, Switzerland but this is only a cover for his Interpol detective work trying to catch people from Delph on holiday.
Joseph Hinchliffe
Young Joe regulary showers with the men and he has much to be proud of. His season peaked when he bowled out Clayton West to get us a “tie” and nark them off good and proper. Joe fact: Joe worries all winter about whether he will be in the team next season but I think he will be fine.
P’Diddy Weston (supported by Phil and Sue)
Peter has been all over the world this summer and consequently his cricket has suffered. Hopefully he will rediscover his love of the game next year. I have to admit to not picking him sometimes because I could never remember when he was in the country. Diddy fact: Peter is going to be 6 foot 3 and muscley but he isn’t showing that just yet.
Professor “Rob Load” Wheeto’s (supported by Lynn)
Rumour has it that the new skipper is going to work abroad to avoid his new duties -tut tut, why didn’t I think of that. This year he has had a pulled buttock and strained groin, no idea how he did either. Rob is a lovely man and a good team player, thanks for all your efforts this year. Load fact: Rob’s modelling career really took off when he became the face of Nestle’s Wheeto’s but has since hit a bit of a quiet patch as no one requires ageing, receding, grey men from Gloucestershire apart from the C and G Building Society and they’d already done their advert this year…..bugger.
Thomas and Howard Chadwick
Tom is a far better player than his dad, although his dad has some good tales to tell. Hopefully Tom will visit his hair consultant over the winter to get his locks coiffured. He will be a decent player as soon as he gives it some umpty. He has a good nature about him and bats nice. Tom fact: Tom took the last wicket of last season, a Marshy catch at Linthwaite. Howard fact: Howard’s cigars are imported from Huddersfield where they are allegedly rolled on the thighs of virgins…………mmmmmmmm
Gabs Mason Dixon (supported by Jane)
This boy has real prospects, picked up his first second team wicket this year and I think he will get many more. I have only spoken with him twice but he seems sound. Gabs fact: Although Gabs is named after an archangel, he is unable to fly unaided.
Other people
There are bound to be people who I have missed out due to my own forgetfulness and if I have, I am sorry. As a player at Scholes it is truly uplifting to get such fantastic support for amateur cricket, we all appreciate it and hope you enjoy those close games when we win!
Glenn Swindell (supported by Sally, Richard and Judy, Nicola and Sootypuss Swindell and Steve Hopes and Dave Johnson)
Glenn has scores 554 runs, taken 12 catches and about 17 wickets as skipper in a huge effort to keep us in the premiership - WE DID IT.

I would like to say a sincere thank you to anyone and everyone who has supported me, the team, the club and the village to continue to build on the history of 125+ years of cricket.
I would also like to thank everyone for not laughing in my face when I dress up as Elvis and actually appearing to enjoy my Elvis Presley Living Legend one man floor show -much appreciated. I am available for all end of season do’s at Scholes when slightly drunk.
It has been a ball……………….Sally I love you and can’t wait for our baby, thanks for standing by me after every defeat and being there at the last match when we won, you are a star xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB by Albert A. Al-Abadin
THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB………….. By Albert A. Al-Ababin
Scholes needed a new overseas signing. Chetan, Wasim, Sameer and indeed Hassan had all done a job for them, especially the incomparable Jaffer, the best batter ever to play in the Premiership. But it was time, maybe, for a change of direction, and to look elsewhere for a fellah who could maybe even play for all season, and not miss a couple of games at either end of the all too short cricketing calendar.
The Shortlist
One frosty December evening, the Right Honourable Sir Rupert Bell met with his right hand man and Scholes Treasurer Piers Hairyback, and club Secretary Denzil Dewnose. Dewnose had drawn up a shortlist after extensive research, but his opinions would not be sought, he was present merely to provide information. Sir Bell on the other hand suffered from an excess of opinions, so much so that he had little room left for any facts to support them. In any case, he found that, when the facts did intrude, they signally failed to support his opinions. Consequently, he chose to ignore them whenever possible.
“So let’s have the names Dewnose” Sir Bell abruptly demanded from the born sycophant, who felt a warm glow suffusing his every pore as he took comfort from his impending ritual humiliation.
“The first candidate is Colin Curmudgeon, the Victorian fast bowler, a typically combative Antipodean Sir”.
Sir Bell took an extra long puff on his Cuban cigar. “Hmmmmmmmmm, would I be correct in surmising that he is the one that nearly decapitated that Pakistani chappie with his bat a few years ago in a test match in Karachi?”
“Good lord Sir Bell no”, replied Dewnose, “Curmudgeon is the man who inserted a stump up the backside of a pitch invader in the infamous Sheffield Shield riot of 2001 at the WACA. The said digit has however been successfully since removed Sir”.
“I think I’ve heard enough”, said Sir Bell grimly. “Next please Dewnose”.
“There’s Van Der Blanck, the South African all-rounder Sir. An outstanding talent I believe. In addition he donates 50% of all his fees to the townships School Funds in Jo’Berg, plays for a predominantly black club, and is a personal friend of Nelson Mandela”.
“Is he indeed Dewnose” replied Sir Bell, his complexion deepening from a delicate pink to the deep red of a cookaburra new ball. “Sounds a dangerously radical trouble maker to me. What do you think Hairyback?”
“There could be trouble from the local BNP faction Sir”, Hairyback obsequiously replied, nervously fingering his MCC tie.
“Next please Dewnose, and this time tell us the bad news as well as the good”
“Well there’s always the exceptional Lance Lickerish, a very fine Kiwi fast bowler and noted big hitter”. Sir Bell fixed him with a fierce stare, his cigar poised in mid-air.
“A pity Sir”, stammered Dewnose, “about the topless model, Dobbin the groundsman’s horse and the frogman’s suit. Next Sir?”
“Next!” Roared Sir Bell.
“Well there’s always Paul Phillipousos of Kenya” said Dewnose, perspiring visibly and malodorously. “A delicate strokemaker who averages over 40 in tests. Absolutely no trouble with violence or women Sir”
“Go on Dewnose”.
“Well, he’s gay Sir”.
“Good Lord Dewnose, have you completely lost the plot you idiot!” shouted an indignant Sir Bell. “Please tell me that is not the end of your ‘exhaustive’ list!”.
“There’s always Patrick Paragon of Namibia. Averages 15 with the bat and 40 with the ball in the Namibia Evening League, has no sexual ambiguities or scandal whatsoever, is happily married and votes for the Namibian NF”.
“Is he available”, enquired a breathless Sir Bell, “he sounds absolutely ideal”.
“Oh yes”, replied Dewnose, “he’ll pay his own air fare over and will settle for a complimentary gallon of beer a week Sir Bell”
“Discussion over Dewnose. You happy Hairyback?”
“Absolutely Sir. I’ll make sure the contract stipulates that it’s Tetley’s rather than Stella though………………”


A Chapelgate Lament by A.S. Adlancastrian
A Chapelgate Lament         by   A.S. Adlancastrian

Here in the heart of the beautiful Holme Valley we await the arrival of Spring with breathless anticipation. It is only July and yet there are already some of the faintest signs that mother Nature is awakening from her lengthy winter sojourn.
Our bird-watching expert, Duncan Dyson, himself spotted rarer than a Barnsley victory, reports the first sighting of summer migrants on the vast expanse of Lord Booth’s new swimming pool at Uppergate Farm. Coldwell’s long-legged stilt, Pamment’s pimple-browed warbler and Hutchison’s grumbling boundary stalker – what a native welcome they make to our drab and timid native fauna.
Although the snow still clings to the soaring buttresses of Cheesegate Nab, and the bitter Nor’Wester still scours the dank Valley bottom of Morton’s Wood, we feel that spring cannot be too far away. If you look carefully you can see broad hints that spring is about to break. Dave Weston, blinking in the shy, rain-soaked sunshine, has already emerged from his long winter hibernation spent in the darkest depths of his cricket bag buried at the bottom of his bedroom.
Our beloved leader Bob “Crowbar” Pell can be seen prowling the boundaries edge, menacingly thrusting raffle tickets in the direction of all who enter through the ancient Chapelgate portals. And old “Specky” Ibbotson’s moleskin typewriter cover has reluctantly slid under his desk for the next few months. But I am still wary. Not a clout shall I cast ere July be out.
I still cling steadfastly to my thermal underwear and waterproof macintosh, and ‘she who must be obeyed’ is still wearing her barbour coat during midnight excursions to the outside loo. Yes, for lovers of the ‘summer game’ the weather is a constant worry. It has driven our ex-groundsman Ray to drink, loose women, resignation and exile to the tundra wastelands of the Gulag Shepleyski.
Our new groundsman, the village greenkeeper and honary toad circumciser, “Bubbles” Holmes, is, however, quietly confident that the square will be ready for action come the last two weeks in August. So we really shouldn’t complain. With fortitude, good humour and typical English steadfastness let us face up to worst Michael Fish can throw at us during the coming months.
Let us remember that there is always someone in the world worse off than us – Good God, the weather’s been so bad in Thurstonland that Paul Wharton hasn’t been able to get out for his old age pension for the last six weeks…….


SOME LOADED WORDS FROM WOOD
Have you ever been sexually attracted to a fellow cricketer?

Yes, of course. When Paul Wharton used to march down the wicket as the bowler was still 10 yards from his delivery stride there was incredible sexual tension in the air. What a turn-on. You didn’t recognise it at the time but when the story is retold (about 12 times a season) I still get an arousal. I still think Chris Hatton has an animal attraction. Denis Compton was the first though and I WOULD sleep with Geoffrey Boycott given half the chance.

Have you ever done it in an unusual place?

By IT I assume you mean play cricket. The most unusual place was, probably, Audlem. Although I once had a real good tussle on a beach in Jamaica when I was 18. There were balls flying everywhere. I had a broken leg at the time and it’s amazing how much you need to concentrate when you are injured. I was on the winning team on both occasions.

Favourite position?

I like slipping it behind Nick Bisby. You always know you have a chance of getting your hands on something. Only this year I remember diving full length (twice) to my left to get something hard in my hand. On the second occasion it was Ian Swallow, who later in the bar chortled he’d never seen anything quite like it.

Biggest pipe?

I’ve been playing cricket for a long time now and I always find the communal shower much more interesting than Scholes exclusive Home team douche-down. In my early days I was invited into Lascelles Halls first XI dressing room where I was confronted with Murphy Walwyns wedding tackle, this was an exceptionally humbling experience. Others that spring to mind, of the players I’ve played with, Hutch is always good value, Tom Weston excellent, but curiously varies in length from time to time, I think it is a confidence thing (mirrors his cricket, really),
Dave Weston has huge Knackers. Of the opposition, David Hall, Micks lad is well, can’t think of anymore that stick out. Phillip Plentie(Intl Carribean YMCA) must be good. I’d like to think Mick Onions is hung but I don’t know and I don’t know why I’d like to think it either. Oooh Arnie Sidebottom, almost forgot - Big. Murphy takes it though, An impressive MAN.

Smallest pipe?

I suppose this is where I start offending people.
I don’t think John Shaw (Lascelles Hall Legend) has the smallest pipe I have ever seen but I can tell you immediately following every game, while he was waiting for the shower he used to massage the front of his jock strap vigorously. I’m assuming this was to get the blood moving around, however when he did eventually doff off (take off) his underwear the result of his rapid hand movement was, frankly………………………disappointing. A fine player and a lovely drinker but not a trouser giant. He did sit opposite Murphy Walwyn though, which is not good for the ego. If we are talking small pricks there are a few current players that come into the category, naming no names but if you were watching any game at coughcough Hullen Edge coughcough you may spot one. Also they have been spotted roaming around the Slim Willow area.

Best arse?

Depends what you mean. For pure music Coddy has a great tune.
Just straying from cricket for a minute I’d pay good money to stroke Phillipa Forresters behind.


Worst arse?

Depends what you mean. For chemical emissions Coddy again. Hutch is a sneaky bugger as well. Richard Pearson has the hairiest arse I have ever seen, He’s a gorilla.
I like chuffing in the dressing room.
Coddy once went to the Doctors because his trumps had got great volume but no smell. True story. He was genuinely devastated at the time and was heard muttering …”What am I going to do?” in a whimpering voice.


Smelliest feet?

A lot of people say Coddy has lively plates but I haven’t really experienced their full potential. I do remember Dotty telling the tale of the bus to the ferry on the way to the Isle of Wight. The stench was so unbearable Codscoop was advised to stick them out of the moving vehicle and promptly did. There used to be a trend for wearing trainers without socks(pre-trainer sock age) which is a recipe for disaster.
I was going to tell you about James Nobles foot but I haven’t got the stomach for the yarn, sufficed to say when James hits 40 his foot could straddle three countries simultaneously. Not smelly though.

Your best moment in cricket?

This is where I get serious. I’ve had some brilliant times in my career for an average cricketer. A lot of my fond memories involve watching other players do the business.
A huge moment in my mental scrapbook is when I was confirmed as Scholes CC first team captain. It was kind of taken for granted I’d take over from Dave but during the winter of 2000 I was expecting the club to maybe sign someone to take over from me without actually skippering one game. I sat in my back garden at midnight following our first game of the 2001 season,which we won, and actually cried I was that happy.

Not all my best bits are from my time at Scholes.
Memories of good performances when the team is defeated are not happy ones for me.
I remember sharing a partnership with Ian”Wales” Bray, who was at Lascelles Hall at the time, when I was 16 in a Paddock Shield semi-final. He crashed it everywhere and I was nudging but I’d never felt so in control of a situation as I did then. Ian fell near the end and I hit the winning runs finishing on 48no. It was my first real pressure game and I was so happy that night. Graeme Dodgson was my captain then and he bought me half a lager and looked me right in the eyes and said “Thanks”. I felt great.

Lifting the Byrom Shield as captain was great, so was winning the Sykes Cup with Lascelles Hall and again in 1996 with Scholes. The Paddock Shield win at Shat in 1993 was good. All the Sykes Cup Finals, 7 I think, about 5 Paddock Shields, 2 Yorkshire champions finals(one with each club) millions of semis. One game really stands out head and shoulders above the rest from a personal viewpoint for the following reasons.

The scene was a Sykes Cup semi final vs Slaithwaite at home in 1996. We had a great team, Parky and Chetan opening the bowling backed up by Coddy, Hutch and Ian Gray(when he could bowl).
Slaithwaite batted first and posted about 170, I think. We were cruising towards this mediocre target when a wicket fell causing a middle order collapse. Bob Milne got 60odd but Dave Weston, Paul Wharton(capt), I Gray and Wales all came and went and from 100-2 we were 115-6.
There was the biggest crowd I’d ever seen at Scholes and a post-tea alcohol pumped crowd were gathered around the bar area as I walked into bat.
I had been in good nick all season and I had one thing in mind, Win the game. Having Chetan at the other end was invaluable. Bowling for Slaithwaite was Craig Dack, who I’d always enjoyed playing against, a real competitor and the overseas pro Andrew Zell, who was coming down the hill at a lively pace. Zell fortunately put his first 2 balls to me on leg stick and I clipped both for 4 behind square, quite a strong area of mine, and I was away. We got it to about 30 needed of 4 when Zell started his penultimate over. Chetan said “you take a chance and I’ll push one, Coddy is next.” I did take the chance. First 2 balls we got 4 runs and the 3rd ball with no pre-meditated plan I took a ball from a foot outside off stump and slogged it into the car park, Good crowd noise at this stage. The 4th ball was pitched up on my legs and, with a much better shot I clipped this one even further into the same area. I never felt the ball hit my bat the timing was so sweet. We got another couple of runs and needed 12 0ff 3. Surely game over.
Dacky to bowl the next. I was at the non-striking end and the umpire Kevin Beaumont said these exact words to me, “Where did you get those two from, if you are not here at the end, well batted!” Chetan got a single and the very next ball I worked one down the legside, Dacky half appealed and the finger was already up. I was sick but we were nearly there. Coddy hit a four and Chetan sliced a 6 over backward point and Scholes were in their first Sykes Cup final, which we went on to win against Elland at Elland.
I only got 32 but I will never play a more valuable innings.

That was a great year 1996. The seconds won their league, the club won the Examiner mini and we were voted club of the year.



Favourite ground and why?

Scholes holds all the best memories. I’ll always like playing at Lascelles Hall even though it’s a bit run down at the moment, It used to be the best track in the league too and a lightning outfield. Spring Bank Monday used to be a real occasion, I mean about a thousand people watching The Hall vs Kirkburton or Kirkheaton. I always liked playing at Thongsbridge too. I prefer the smaller grounds, mainly because of the atmosphere generated and the short boundaries. Can I include Lords. Kirkburton’s good too. Dislike Elland even though we have had some great days up there. Pip Hill needs a facelift and Thank *** Dalton have folded. Forgot Shat, that’s a good set-up.



Best opponent?

This is hard, because I am not a top 4 batter and never faced the best bowlers at their best or bowled at the best batsmen. I think the young Paul Booth was as good as it gets. Lesroy was the quickest I’ve faced, I top edged him for six over fine leg. I didn’t last long after that. It’s hard to choose a batter when you’ve seen Wasim at close hand.

Best skipper?

This will surprise many people. Paul Wharton was a great captain, not afraid to take a chance and won a lot of games from bad positions. Danny Payne at Kirkheaton, remember that one? And Paul’s negotiations with Dennis “Scholes haven’t got the temperament to win the League” Midwood(Did anyone see him this year when we arseoled his precious God-given club 3 times) were genius. At the beginning of the Sykes Cup final after we’d won the toss they came up with the plan that if the first innings was interrupted by rain the game would be re-started the following Sunday. A huge advantage. If we’d been struggling at, say, 100-6 we’d have run off with a mere spot of rain and if we were in a strong position, which we were we’d have stayed out there. The rest is history, Cheers Dennis.
Dave Weston had a good 4 years as Skipper but he worried too much. Daves recruiting has helped this club immensely.
My best skipper though has to be Graeme Dodgson. He was captain of Lascelles Hall 2nd team and I was in my formative years, which may sway my choice but Dotty had this skill to convince everyone in the dressing room that we were miles better than any team we played. A very basic we are great and they are ***e method. He used to take outrageous gambles with the bowling and pulled it off. He also made sure that if three juniors were playing they’d bat at 3,5 and 7 and involved them as much as possible.

Most influential person in your Scholes career?

Paul Wharton. Filled me with oceans of confidence at every opportunity and to be fair still does. I liked Steve Booth as soon as I met him too. He has a laid-back desire to win. Dave Weston taught me the art of netting and Coddy showed me how to twat the ball as far as possible.

Biggest regret?

Not winning the Sykes Cup as Scholes Captain.
I used to regret barging into Bevis Moynan in a Paddock Shield Final but I don’t anymore. I think it made me grow up quicker and helped me respect the game of cricket for what it is.

Biggest pain in the arse?

Players who could be a pain, Hutch was always annoyed if I brought him off when he was still able to bowl but that showed his heart. Coddy had a couple of paddy’s too but it was frustration at either his beloved Scholes getting beat or his fight against his season-long injuries.
Both players would walk into my Scholes all-time best team.
After 3 years of captaincy I can cope with most player reactions.


Favourite umpire?

Tony Lockwood. Stuart Jakeman is very good. Ron doesn’t get much wrong but likes to get involved too often. Phillip Giles is the coolest around.

Do you swallow??????????????

Believe me, after this season I’ve swallowed more pride walking into the opposition dressing room to say, “well played boys, you deserved to beat us!” than ever before.
Fortunately we had a strong finish to the season and I wish Hutch all the luck in the world.


ALL THE STATS HUDDS LEAGUE 2003
I'm going to put this lot in the 2003 fanzine, which is provisionally titled "The Great Escape".....

THE PRIZEWINNERS

Premiership
Batting   Brandon Nash   20   5   156*   1259   80.07
Bowling   Darren Shadford   171.5   27   654   43   15.21

Conference
Batting   Paul Winrow   21   9   144   1349   112.42
Bowling   Matthew Steers   177.3   35   525   49   10.71

Overall Wicketkeeping
Simon Walker   (Broad Oak)   30 caught, 15 stumped, total 45

Overall Fielding
Scott Richardson   16 catches

SECOND ELEVENS

Premiership
Batting   Nicky Brook (Scholes)   14   5   138*   818   90.89
Bowling   Mark Williamson (Armitage Bridge)   148.1   40   386   32   12.06

Conference
Batting   Chris Payne (Slaithwaite)   14   3   89   657   59.73
Bowling   Richard Irons (Kirkheaton)   133.2   30   334   34   9.82

Overall wicketkeeping
Dave Brier (Elland)   14 caught, 20 stumped,   34

Overall fielding
Dave Woodhead (Golcar)   18 catches

THE BIG PICTURE

PREMIERSHIP BATTING
B. Nash   24   6   156*   1384   76.89
D. Shadford   24   5   124*   1027   54.05
J. Webster   14   3   102*   567   51.52
J. Iqbal   24   2   122*   1124   51.09
H. Adnan   13   0   110   662   50.92
S.Kelly   21   5   119*   804   50.25
L. Baxter   22   6   97*   800   50.00
I. Swallow   21   2   109*   853   44.89
S. Whitwam   23   1   110*   945   42.95
K. Ashby   22   3   129*   785   41.32
D. Hinchcliffe   23   5   131*   738   41.00
M. Joice   22   4   103   698   38.78
G. Mitchell   23   2   98   813   36.71
N. Bisby   19   3   80   619   38.69
D. Weston   20   3   115   654   38.47
C. Flanagan   21   2   88   685   36.05
P. Heaton   23   2   112*   752   35.81
R. Jakeman   17   3   107   499   35.64
S. Richardson   21   2   139*   660   34.74
S. Frankland   21   4   82   587   34.50
S. Potter   20   3   86   586   34.47
G. Swift   18   1   121   563   33.12
S. Peacock   19   1   68   595   33.06
G. Jones   21   6   96   490   32.67
S. Rank   21   3   87*   582   32.33
R. Robinson   24   2   125*   704   32.00
I Hague   19   1   97   569   31.61
M. Smith   23   2   85*   656   31.24
A. Swallow   20   1   76   586   30.84
R. Baigent   21   2   97*   573   30.20

PREMIERSHIP BOWLING
P. Van Der Berg   24.4   74   581   43   13.51
D. Shadford   197.3   28   758   49   15.47
B. Nash   361   120   981   58   16.91
D. Cocking   316.5   83   930   55   16.91
R. Robinson   329.3   68   1016   58   17.52
G. Swift   334.1   90   997   55   18.13
M. Dobson   224   41   768   41   18.73
D.Hinchliffe   201   29   858   44   19.50
P. Heaton   260   57   873   40   21.82
G. Hurlbaat   455.3   103   1437   64   22.45
J. Iqbal   314.5   83   995   44   22.61

FIRST XI FIELDING
S. Richardson 19, A. Pamment 19, S. Marsh 16, A. Swallow 16, J. Summerscales 15, A. Bedade 15, V. Destroo 15, I. Swallow 15.

FIRST XI WICKETKEEPING
S. Walker   31c   16st   Total 47
S. Shillito   23   12   35
G. Jones   20   14   34
N. Oddy   23   8   31
M. Butters   20   11   31
N. Stead   31   0   31

CONFERENCE BATTING
P. Winrow   22   9   144*   1392   107.08
V. Rathour   19   4   217   1331   88.73
R. Kapoor   23   4   167   1362   71.16
D.Etteridge   22   6   154   987   61.69
M. Bray   24   4   145*   1121   56.05
N. Clee   15   3   123   648   54.00
C. Zaffino   21   6   111*   783   52.20

CONFERENCE BOWLING
M. Steers   177.3   37   540   50   10.60
D. Etteridge   338.5   80   937   83   11.29
M. Waseem   365.3   95   976   86   11.35
T. Haroon   289   91   699   53   13.19
A. Morris   281.4   94   659   48   13.73
T. Cliffe   205   40   753   51   14.76

SECOND ELEVENS
Premiership Batting
N. Brook   17   6   138*   1078   98.00
S. Barraclough   4   119*   1050   58.33
C. Bullock   20   6   143   777   55.50
S. Alderson   20   2   137   886   49.22
J. Firth   19   6   89   631   48.54
D. Lynn   16   2   136   668   47.70
H. Palmer   22   2   98   872   43.60
D. Sadler   18   5   99   556   42.77
A. Tazzyman   18   6   105*   521   43.42
M. Wimpenny   18   1   102   729   42.88
P. Redgewick   17   4   92*   538   41.38
P. Hertzberg   15   4   86   454   41.27
D. Brooke (Honley)   18   6   88*   486   40.50
G. Holroyd   15   1   76   565   40.36

Premiership Bowling
J. Hinchliffe   156   36   463   39   11.87
M. Williamson   159.4   42   425   32   13.28
P. Dibb   279   131   498   31   16.06
A. Wright   196.3   35   637   38   16.76
S. Thornhill   175.3   30   629   37   17.00
D. Crane   213   51   680   39   17.73
D. Sykes   177.3   38   606   32   18.93

Fielding
D. Woodhead 18, J. Easingwood 18, M. Sahfiq 17, M. Earnshaw 13, P. Watmough 13, C. Marsh 13, A. Wright 13

Wicketkeeping D. Brier 14c, 20st,   34

Conference Batting
C. Payne   15   3   110   767   63.92
R. Moisley   20   8   119*   659   54.92
P. Watmough   21   6   80   747   49.80
R. Stocks   22   7   109   639   42.60
D. Woodhead   22   4   108*   726   40.33

Conference Bowling
S. Jepson   150   39   428   42   10.19
R. irons   145   34   358   35   10.23
A. Robshaw   97   18   340   30   11.33
A. Greaves   251   83   537   45   11.93
J. Morris   150   29   457   38   12.03
J. Dawson   161   45   403   33   12.21