Scholes Cricket Club: Quote of the week
As ever I'll be relying on you lot to keep this going every week.
28-8-10 Its Trevor Holmes after the Honley match "That's the best wicket-keeping performance (by Bubbles his son) that I've ever seen - apart from me of course" I think he was in drink.....
15-8-10 As a doughty Emley youngster painstakingly and pointlessly podded out for the last ten overs, denying an increasingly frustrated Second XI the full 6 points but not gaining his own side anything, Marshy plaintively asked him "why don't you just go and do your paper round or something?"
8-7-10 At the Sykes Cup final mark Floyd was at his usual sartorial best dressed in pink singlet and shorts hanging off his scrawny frame. Sloppy got right into him as soon as he walked past - his reply was instantaneous - "I'd be out there in me whites if it weren't for you Sloppy" Touche Floydy
24-7-10 The legendary Iqbal Khan wasn't having the best of games on Saturday, he'd got out for a lowly (for him) 27, and had dropped two catches at first slip. As his engaging young son Mohammed wandered the boundaries edge with his mates we asked what his dad was playing at (jokingly) His reply was succinct and to the point "He's crap" Don't worry Mohammed he'll never read this..........
11-7-10 Kindly e-mailed to me by a prominent Scholeser "While watching the Paddock Shield Semi-final another boundary was hit by Golcar late in the innings off a length ball (not sure who was bowling) ****** sat with Shack n Clayts says "Why do they keep bowling length balls? You'd have thought bowlers of their experience would have known better" ****ing brilliant!!!! Sure you can guess who made this incredible comment folks...
4-7-10 Posted to me by Gareth Wakefield and taken from the very funny Slawit website "The effort in the field and with the ball was good but with a middle order as reliable as Harry Bryson’s horse racing tips currently doing the rounds at the club, which are subsequently having a distinct effect on the lad’s popularity and our Bank Accounts. A BIG improvement is needed by all’.
31-5-10 An Elland fan was spied wandering around the new clubhouse saying what a great job we'd done and came across the Byrom Shield resplendent in the corner,. "good grief - look at the size of that thing - what on earth is it?" he wondered. FACT - NOT MADE UP FOLKS....A sign of the times for the most successful club in the Huddersfield League ever....
15-5-10 Iqbal Khan turned up for Saturday's game dressed in full Chennai Super Kings regalia, including undergarments, pads, arm guards etc etc - and was of course asked where the hell has all that lot come from? His answer was succinct "From a mate" He eventually disclosed that his "mate " goes by the name of Mahendra Dhoni...............
7-09-09 It has to be my partner Karen, 6-30am on Sunday morning following a very big night at the club when I locked up at 2 and got to bed after 3, with John Andrews in my son's bed, Craig Horner completely clattered on settee downstairs, and myself safe in spare bed away from son's wiggling and squiggling. Barging into spare room "WHY THE FECK IS THERE A COMPLETE STRANGER IN BED WITH ME!!!!!" Craig had nicely gone to bed with Karen after taking a piss in the middle of the night. I spent the next three hours wide awake in bed with Craig and son Leo until son woke up...........
29-08-09 Our completely barmy skipper Keith Noble has said before every innings in the last month or so "I'm in great nick and I'm going to get a double hundred today" He has in fact scored about 14 runs in that same month, and of course gave the same prediction at Elland on Saturday, where he was caught behind first ball. They say Captaincy takes about ten runs an innings off your average 'cos of the pressure - well Keith, you might average 15 if you ever give up the Captaincy. And do we care if we lift the Byrom Shield next weekend? Do we bollocks - you've done a fantastic job pal whatever happens.
22-8-09 Included retrospectively because it is very relevant. After Scholes beat Honley in that brilliant game, Archie Moore said to a Scholes player "I don't think you're the best team but I think you'll win it" Well I don't know who is going to win it but over 26 games I know one thing for sure - be it Scholes, Shat, Delph, Shepley or Elland they will be the best team in 2009. Fact.
9-08-09 Overheard by a spy on the Honley balcony after Matthew Wood was out for a duck in the second over of Honley's reply to Scholes' 218, tamely chipping Mohammed Shahnawaz to Jamie Clayton at midwicket. "I can't feckin' believe I got out to the worst bowler in the League" That would be the Shahnawaz that has taken 14 wickets in two games against four times champions Honley this season then would it Chuddy???
2-08-9 Bar Maids Christie and Sam D approached me after the 2020 final to suggest the following "Ibbo, we think we should have a fund raising sports day on a Sunday afternoon - girls against boys - we could play cricket, and football...and netball.... do you think it's a good idea?" When I regained consciousness I told them that it was a very good idea but I wouldn't be there due to my ongoing blood pressure issues..........
18-07-9 The legendary (for his lack of cricketing knowledge) Duncan Dyson wondered out aloud, after seeing Scholes rack up 150 from the first 9 overs of a 2020 game "Are they playing with a corkie ball Chimp?"
11-07-09 I have promised to anonymise this quote - but it is a candidate for Quote of the year! A prominent club person wandered in to the kitchen while teas were being made by one of the very many beautiful and it has to be said buxom young lasses who fabulously adorn our club was chopping cucumbers - she approached him and asked the following question "Do you know anyone with any puppies around here?"
21-06-09 Poor Old Chimp - 'tis him agin. Barkisland at home, he was overheard remarking "I can't get over how much he looks like that bloke who plays for Honley" - well yes, my little marsupial friend, identical twins such as Mick and Andrew Fraine do tend to look a little alike methinks......
14-06-09 Paddock Shield quarter final at Scholes - Joe Hinchliffe "Feckin brilliant bowling Joe, only one wicket more for a 5 for " Joe Wood to Joe "No....I've only got four......."
6-06-09 Welllll it's not really a quote, more a collective holler of disparagement hurled the way of Chimp at Honley in the 20/20 cup - Chris Woodhead had just smashed somebody into the football field way over the pavilion and instead of waiting for the ball to come back they went immediately to the spare ball - said Chimp didn't notice and carried on walking dead in front of the sight screen as the bowler approached the wicket - game halted and every Scholes supporter at the ground mercilessly shouting as he committed the cardinal sin "Chimp you feckin idiot get out of the way"
30-5-09 T'was Chimp at Shat, who actually had the gall to say the following about the lilliputian but giantly talented Max Joice "Flamin' midget, if we don't get him out they'll get over 300" If you're wondering, Roberto himself is severely vertically challenged, and professes to come from a long line of midgets - see QOW from last year.
16-05-09 As the titanic clash with Honley came to a crescendo, I spied Lord Booth of Uppergate nervously supping a pint of the craftsmen brewed, dazingly delicious real ale from Empire Brewery in Slaithwaite "Pilgrim", on as one guest out of two on sale in the clubhouse. Why, I asked, are you not supping your beloved, insipid, mass produced Tetley's as you have done in liver massacre-ing quantities for the last 30 years? This was his reply "Because my acupuncturist has told me if I sup lighter coloured beer than Tetley's it won't give me gout as much" Errrrr, 'scuse me? Ain't that down to all the freshly slaughtered red meat he has brought to his plate every evening as he surveys his Hepworth empire, and washes it all down with lashings of the finest Cockburn's Port......
9-05-09 It was a tense finish in the Crowther Cup at Chapelgate on Sunday, as the home side tried to knock out the holders Barnsley. The legendary "large one" had come out of retirement in emergency, and was in the thick of it. Scholes needed 40 off the last eight overs with four wickets left. Their annoying wicket keeper chirped up once more "c'mon boys - eight an over's a big ask from here" Instant and blunt riposte from Coldwell heard all around the ground "Feck me you're good at maths....."
19-4-09 At Clayton West in Heavy Woollen - where it has to be said the "tottie" quotient was distractingly on the high side. As we ambled around on our umpteenth lap, Matt Smith was seen chatting away to the most distracting of all females present (if you see what I mean) - who then innocently asked "So - you're the Pipes then?" He most certainly is m'dear - check out August in the all exclusive Scholes CC 2009 Calendar
26-4-09 It's not really a quote - more of a cultural mis-understanding. The lovely Elyce - partner of our excellent new Aussie Shane Mott was doing her first stint behind the bar in the clubhouse. As neither has even set foot outside of New South Wales - there are bound to be some things to throw them on their first trip abroad. Somebody asked for "A lucozade sport" - which Elyce naturally thought was a request for a normal lucozade with a friendly aside attached on the end - replying "there's your lucozade - sport"
3-5-09 More a song of the week really. The increasingly camp and effete Keith Noble led the following chorus aimed at John Hinchliffe (who has been utterly clattered over both weekends of the new season) late on a very drunken Saturday night - quite an accolade this I'd say - "New Johnny Klinsman, you're the new Johnny Klinsman, new Johnny Klinsman..... and so on Translated this means you have drunk so much beer over a period of 12 hours that you are unable to speak due to unconsciousness but remarkably still somehow remain upright.
Been a bit rubbish at updating this recently - anyway there were two quite nice quotes at Pip Hill on Sunday
14-06-08 Monty Graham and not being racist at all I believe when asked who was the all Asian Pip Hill's pro? "He's probably a white man from Golcar"
But then again there was - well I can't remember who it was - Coddy perhaps - as we worried about looming defeat at 41 for 4 - "Our tails' as long as Matt Smith's" ....who is otherwise known as "Pipes" for reasons that escape me..........
26-4-08 Ahhh..... the first of a new summer courtesy of Keith Noble. Chimp wandered back from overdosing on a huge amount of processed meat in the pork pie and beef t cake he'd eaten in his car at tea at Linfit with a large white crumb under his bottom lip. Keith waited until he was reet in front of about 20 folks sat on the steps of the clubhouse before loudly demanding "Chimp - get rid of that last bit of cocaine tha's been snorting - it's under your chin"
22-08-07 Buster's team talk before the last leg of the marathon Paddock Shield final didn't consist of a stirring "we can still do it boys" - thanks to a certain umpire it was more on the lines of "let's make sure none of us get's a fine or ban boys". Having said that Nicky would be the first to admit the best team won over the four days.
10-07-07 Struth - tough to keep this up in such a troubled season - but Boot came up with this gem at t'Committee - he'd been to the Hearing about our application for a music license - which we won - and aftrewards the Examiner reporter shuffled over and asked in a kind of bewildered voice "Steve - is everybody called Booth in Scholes?"
Now why would he have thought that when the main complainants were Helen and Stuart Booth, our defender was Stephen Booth, the scholes chairman is Mel Booth and the main builder of said clubhouse was Dave Booth - who is not entirely unrelated to aforementioned main complainants Helen and Stuart Booth - and so it goes on............
20-05-07 Coddy on Keith Noble on Sunday afternoon. "You will have to be fined for that Keith. No I am not talking about that awful shot you were out to - I have it on good authority that you were seen polishing this morning at home by your mum!" No denial was forthcoming from Mr Domesticated.
05-05-07 Our mood during a brutal bashing by the Delphiniums was temporarily lifted by Duncan Dyson's virtuoso display of cricketing ignorance. One of Delph's players was walking around the boundary with a mate, as colleague Zahoor out in the middle smashed another four towards said player. He waited until it rolled over the boundary, picked it up and threw it back in the general direction of bowler. Dyson - ten yards away - exclaimed loudly "feckin' hell, that's a shocking piece of fielding, we're going down, I'm telling you were going down" Perhaps he was in shock after Barnsley losing 7-0 tee-hee
28-04-07 The cricket was so riveting that quite a number of folks had got round to discussing what their parents did for a living. Terrence's dad worked in t'mill, mine ran a sweet shop, Boot's was a miner, farmer etc, and then there was Chimp. "My mum and dad were midgets" he proclaimed..... Was the diminutive one bought up in Billy Smart's Circus then???
11-09-06 This message of support was sent over the weekend by an official of a Premiership club "We all work hard, play hard, don't take ourselves too seriously, and enjoy a bit of a piss take. This to me is what village cricket is all about, and is in essence what your website captured. Thanks for trying to amuse and all the hard work." No need for any further comment methinks......
27-08-06 More of a scream of anguish really. Max Joice had already been out on Sunday, pulling a rank long hop from Sloppy to Smithy at square leg. He didn't seem that bothered as he came in - even lending his new bat to Kris W on the way out. As Kris sheepishly returned said broken bat a couple of overs later to the changing rooms, the following was howled "F**k me, 200 f**king quid down the f**king drain, 200 f**king quid that bastard bat cost me!" There was then the sound a willow against changing room floor which I presume went on until said bat was completely expired. Bad luck that Max.
14-08-06 A Paddock Shield win deserves at least two - and I'm sure there's more to come - I can't remember a damn thing from after about 9 on Sunday night anyway.
Marshy as Dave Briers walked to the wicket "This poor bastard's gonna have to score 70 before he's even in credit!" Most un-Marshy like methinks - but funny
07-08-06 I was just getting the details out of Vicky's immaculate scorebook after the early finish at Barkisland on Saturday when the always excellent Gary Coleman leaned over my shoulder and said with a smile on his face "Hah, 63 runs in 13 overs for Smyth, we really showed him eh Paul?"
02-08-06 Anonymous but often heard at the club recently "Errr - anybody seen the Johnson Cup recently??"
26-07-06 Tonight at Honley, as quite a few of us watched the excellent U17's win again to move within sight of a First League title for gawd knows how long, the following discourse took place between Rushy and "The Large One". "So how long since you actually did your knee in Rushy, about 18 months?" asked Coddy as he looked down on the very large pot Rushy had on after recent knee surgery. "No mate, it was about a year and a half ago I reckon"..............
15-07-06 "It's part of the game Ron - It's been going on for ever" T'was indeed Keith to Big Ron Tindall on Saturday, after being told to shut his trap after offering a few choice words of advice to Shelley batters on Saturday.
28-05-06 Well Coddy can always make me laugh, even when we keep losing. After the game at Honley, in the bar he asked Tom Weston what HD television was all about. Tom went into a geekish detailed explanation, after which the large one asked, quite drily I thought "Yeah....but is it as good as Betamax?"
21-05-06 T'was an unhappy Chimp when I rang him on Sunday afternoon. I interrupted him.... "I was just sorting out a noose in the garage to put me out of my misery"
14-05-06 Mark Wimpenny at Shelley on a freezing cold Crowther Cup Sunday on the best spinner at Scholes.... "You know what Tom you remind me of Monty Panesar - you bowl left handed and you can't bat or field - all you need is a turban"
07-05-06 It is the one and only legendary Holme Valley Viking, the erstwhile, erudite and always elegant Melvyn Booth, Sports Editor of Th'Examiner. Scholes have a new sexy set of sponsored tracksuits and they were handing them out last night "Is there one with five X's before the L for me?" asked the always self deprecating Mel.
30-04-06 It's "Gruber" Wakefield. His first over as a First Team opening bowler had seen the scarily good Vikram Rathour (237 in one innings last week!) caress him for 16 runs. But "Gruber" had a cunning plan. He sent down a half tracker a couple of overs later. Rathour thanked allah and prepared to launch it into Hepworth. But it kept low and skidded into his pads. "Oh shi....howzaaaaaaaaat" he cried. And the answer was affirmative. Game over.
23-04-06 This was last Sunday after the loss at New Farnley where Tom Graham was the sole star of the show. A lot of beer was henceforth consumed by the young spinner, and he later felt compelled to make the following proposition to the young lady a certain square headed Scholes cricketer has been seeing to
TG "Can you catch love?"
TG "Well you've got two balls coming your way babe"
Class or what folks............................
16-04-06 At New Farnley today Matthew Smith achieved the accolade of QOTW with the following gem in his first weekend with Scholes - H Dog Bryson was chivvying the fielders with "Lets get round boys" and Mattie replied "Harry..... you are round"
08-03-06 Keith Noble wandered into Scholes club last night after the first indoor nets, and announced "There's now three spinners at the club. I've just been tying Harry in knots. Tom Weston, Tom Graham - they'd better be looking over their shoulders." Yeah Keith right - and Coddy - who had his knee operated on yesterday and hobbled in on crutches - will be opening the bowling with you mate.
22-02-06 "I have been working hard on my core strength but I still haven't got the Brett Lee arse yet. If you look at Bichel, Kasprowicz, Lee and Flintoff - the big lads - they seem to have the big arse" Shane Harwood of Victoria has a theory on fast bowling. Feck me - how good should Coddy be then?
8-01-06 "You can fry an egg on his face (Graham Smith) in two minutes" Warney and Smithy really didn't get on in this series did they. I was surprised to see Smith say after they were thrashed 2-0 that he felt they were the only team in the world who could have come so close to beating the Aussies. Errrrr - short memory or what Smithy? Who just won the Ashes?
11-12-05 "We left Downing Street and there was a lot of photographers. He said "What do they want?" So I looked at him and said 'A photo you knob!'" Was Hoggy really so pissed at Number Ten after the Ashes win that he said this to Tony Blair. He reckoned so on 'They think it's all over' the other night.
28-11-05 "Shoaib, leave the chicken man alone and start your practice" Bob Woolmer to the Rawlpindi chucker Shoaib Akhtar as he chatted to Kevin Pierterson before the third test.
21-11-05 "Martin Luther King had a dream. I have a nightmare. It involves watching the end of the next Ashes series sitting in London Cricket Unit number 2, surrounded by City boys on the jolly, supping a lukewarm £6 pot of ICC style alcoholic beverage - it's another example of the ICC's attempts to own "every aspect of cricket". I could have written this myself.......but left it to someone in Wisden to point out that's it's a diabolical liberty that we can't take our own beer into a flaming test match. Tickets are extortionate enough as it is you bar stewards.
14-11-05 "Some players are 180% fitter now than when we started" Bob Woolmer talking about Pakistan of course - but think about the maths folks..........
7-11-05 Now which two cricketing luminaries said the following about Yorkshire's finest wife beater - Sir Geoffrey Boycott. "He can be so rude to people that sometimes you just want to punch his lights out" and "You won't get me knocking him as a cricketer - but as a man I detest him" Mark Nicholas and David Lloyd
17-10-05 "I guess it goes to show you don't just play for the money" Freddie Flintoff explains why the Super Series is anything but....
10-10-05 Old Flathead Gttthhh on learning that a certain young fellah of the canine persuasion may be about to graduate to manhood while his parents were out of town "Ahhhhhh!!! You'd better have five or six w**ks beforehand!" Is he referring to premature emancipation methinks?
02-10-05 "That means I can drive a flock of sheep through the town centre, drink for free in no less than 64 pubs, and get a lift home from a policeman when i become inebriated. What more could you want?" Freddie Flintoff is almost as excited in getting the Freedom of the City of Preston as he was in winning the Ashes for England.
26-09-05 It's not cricket but it's funny. Town beat Brentford in a tempestuous affair at the Galpharm, and one of the Southern Softies went down as if hit by a howitzer when somebody lobbed a plastic bottle top at him. H Dog Bryson happened to be yards away and hurled some rather choice abuse at the stricken player as the Physio attended - who was eventually moved to tell Harry to "F**k off you fat bastard!". Nice.
19-09-05 Full marks to the oft-maligned David Graveney, who straight after the disaster at Lords in July, said "I still believe that we will win the Ashes series 2-1" Must admit that I was one of many to wonder about his sanity after McGrath blew us away once again at headquarters.
12-09-05 "Chimp" text'd me three or four times with exactly the same message over the summer - the last one came at about 2pm last Thursday. "Pierterson not good enough"................... I sent that one back to him at 5pm today as KP strolled off after his 158
04-09-05 It was another "Big Do" at Boot's barn last night, which went on very, very late. Buster was on his way up to Scholes for the Second's game when he spied an extremely red and perspiring Ian Bray marching up the hill at an unfeasibly rapid rate on a very warm Sunday lunchtime kitbag over his shoulder. Buster wondered what was going on "Feck me, I've rolled out of the house and suddenly realised me feckin' car's over at Boot's two miles away - I've got to be at Kexborough in 20 minutes!" Buster of course gave the Welsh wizard a lift but at the time of writing I know not whether he made it or not....
27-08-05 On a lap on Sunday Duncan Dyson wondered out aloud "I must be pregnant agin', I've got a massive craving for sweet beetroot".
Hmmmmmmm Next thing you'll be telling us you dye your hair Duncan......
20-08-05 Sunday - Emmerson Cup Final - Tim Sykes just run out for 2 after slight disagreement at crease with arch enemy Chip Holmes which saw them both at same end "No worries Chris, make sure you go on and make 50 old chap" ............. errrrrrrr or was it " you ****** **** there was a ******** easy single there you ****"
06-08-05 Jordan Tindle didn't have the best of days on Saturday. Batting at number three he was utterly clueless and occupied the crease for about 20 overs in accumulating a sketchy 16. Poor lad was than bought on to bowl the last over as Scholes closed in on victory. He can't bowl. At all. Tom Weston pithily remarked "Feck me, Jordan's bowlings' even slower than his batting".
30-07-05 Apparently the Pellmeister extraordinaire was prowling around the boundary edge at Clayton West on Saturday mobile glued to his ear. He was unusually animated and happy, first informing Scholeser's that "Honley are 75 for 8" and 15 minutes later "They're all out for 90!" It was "Chimp" who pointed out to him that I had been in touch with Tim the Honley scorer and Elland were batting and were 120 for 3 and they were off for rain. Ooops - turned out the Chompmeister had been ringing Hullen Edge and unwittingly getting the Second Team scores......
23-07-05 The Holme Valley Viking, after a rare appearance for Scholes II's at Pip Hill "It was going like a tracer bullet - a gobba my arse Marshy!" He was referring to the catch he spilled, which the rest of the team insisted he could have turned round and caught comfortably with the cheeks of his somewhat ample arse, so slowly did it come off the bat of Shafiq. By the way, the score at the time was 38 for 8, and Sahfiq was on 3. He went on to make a lusty 74 and Pip Hill a mighty 185 all out - but Mel got out of jail as we coasted to a seven wicket win anyway.
16-07-05 Hanging Heaton Seconds took Sunday's pulsating Crowther Cup semi-final defeat to a brilliant Scholes Seconds awfully well don't you know...... Their skipper to Rob Load straight after the match "You bowled a load of crap down the leg side and your opener ain't got any shots" So exactly how did Buster Brook make a magnificent match winning 139???
Feck off back to Bradford you bunch of bad losers - not one of whom of course stayed for a drink after the match. Let's just celebrate a rare victory over a Bradford League team - we don't need their dosh.
09-07-05 Headingley last Thursday, as we gave the Aussies a reet stuffing. A number of Scholes dignataries were there, hospitality job, shirt and tie etc. That legendary sledger Henry Wharton wandered down to the boundaries edge, very close to Glen McGrath and remarked " Struth, if you bowl it any slower Glen it'll have revolutions on it" To the Wart-hogs amazement McGrath bit straight away and told him to "Feck off you c**t" Whart's knew he had him now and two overs later sauntered round and provocatively speculated (after Trescothick had smashed him for three more boundaries "If you bowl any slower Glen I could be hooking you..in fact me mum could be" This provoked a stream of expletives that I couldn't possibly repeat apart from the final sentence "Climb over that fence and say that you c**t!" Wharton must have thought mission well and truly achieved then but a few overs later at a quiet period he was walking past McGrath when some kids were asking for autographs - "Not while that feckin' c**ts stood behind you" was the wound up to the very top of the tree McGrath's not so sensitive reply...Good job Henry!
02-06-05 T'was that truly marvellous radio broadcaster known as Roget De Francias who asked our enormous Junior Harry Bryson "what is your surname by the way son?" Of course the new 'Large One' replied simply "Harry"....
There again Roget also excelled himself later on by asking the original 'Large One' - still crocked but close to a much needed return "Are you still injured then Coddy or just on holiday?" Hmmmm - much call for wet weekends at Hullen Edge is there Roget?
25-06-05 T'other week as we beat Lascelles Hall, a large crowd of unruly second teamers had gathered in front of the clubhouse after their early win in the reverse fixture - and glory be Wasim Ullah, the Hall's new signing walked by. That would be the same Wasim Ullah who won the Johnny Hunter Rose Bowl in 2003 for smashing about 150 in 30 balls against Scholes II's in an amazing match down at Linthwaite. Apparently old flathead Gttttttthh Wakefield was a particular victim of Ullah's brutal assault - and the boys wondered if he'd remember Gareth. "Ahh yes, Manchester Road" were the only words he needed to utter remind Garteth's slightly amused colleagues precisely how far Ullah hit the ball on that fateful day....
18-06-05 Joe Hinchliffe to Wood on Saturday "So why do they call Craig Horner 'Jack'??
11-06-05 Crocked he may be - but the "Large One" is still full of baloney....
"Bruce Cruce - he must be a lounge room crooner at night with a name like that" He batted pretty well for 60 - but I have to say it was so re-assuring to see an Ozzy with a bit of a paunch.
4-06-05 As Scholes approached the winning post on Saturday in yet another win over Shepley, this came from the bitter and twisted lips of Denton (Snr)
"If we'd have been batting now we'd have knocked 'em off ten overs ago" Errrrrrr.... you did bat, posted a rubbishy 182 for 9 and were soundly beaten by a Scholes team missing three key players. Take that you vagabond. Mind you Simon Potter did not deserve a crass piece of barracking from a Scholes "fan" - sorry about that but what can a club do? Stop selling beer?
29-05-05 'Tis the hero Sloppy on Saturday to Bubbles as the latter came to the crease "We won't be running any quick ones or twos Richard, me thigh's knackered" Three balls later he called Bubbles for a suicidal second that left even the whippet like keeper yards short of safety and run out for 2 at a crucial point of the game. S'pose he had to win it for us after that. And he did. Magnificently.
22-05-05 Clayton West skipper Steve Glover just after he caught Honley's diminutive Indian Rajesh Pawar-Ranger off the Van Der Berg wannabee Cory Velcro "The perfect batting strip - must be something wrong if we can't knock these off" A shaky 52 for 1 at 5-55pm became just plain wrong at 76 all out
at 6-33pm, with Honley posting a 234 run win Thanks Tim - keep 'em coming
Wasim was smashing Adam Robinson everywhere in the final over and the second ball went absolutely miles, sailing over the back set of houses, prompting Chris Greenwood to shout "F'ing Hell Robbo, if you send a taxi to get that f'cker back the bill'd be 9-50" Cheers to Gary Coleman, Bark Island skipper and very very convivial host.......
15-05-05 This was from last week as the Seconds took on Hall Bower, who had the classy and very quick Darren Sykes playing his first game of the season - he plays for the British Deaf XI and is very very good in my view. Jordan Saville to Wimps "Is that blind bowler fast Mark?"
08-05-05 As I was innocently walking around Riley Lane I became aware of a certain amount of hostility eminating from a Scholes fielder....Reckon Keith Noble weren't reet impressed with the Shat report....
"Ibbotson you Wankastrian. When was the last time you were at the ground an hour before kick off. We warm up for a half hour before every game! I'm only watching racing after I'm out by the way. I'm being professional and keeping abreast of the latest form in my area of work by doing so by the way you tosspot. And you should be supporting the team you reckon to follow rather than slagging us of you Wancastrian wassock" Can't argue with any of that Keith and well played for your 35 against Kirkburton - It's called freedom of speech folks - and it's important
01-05-05 "For feck's sake how do the players concentrate!!" Well that was me and every other male Scholes supporter at the spectacular display of buxom young babes at Shat on Monday
23-04-05 Lord Stephen Bartholemew Horace Booth of Uppergate Farm puts "Chip's" Lottery win in perspective "2.1 million pounds isn't a lot of money these days......."
17-04-04 "I'm only the groundsman after all. You'd think I might be consulted if we're buying new covers......." Well you're making perfect sense to me Bubbles.
"I only had papaya's, nothing else". Mahendra Singh Dhoni - Indian keeper batsman whose breakfast maybe just could give Coddy a bit of a lesson as he then went and smashed 148 off 123 balls against Pakistan in the One Day International at Visakhapatnan
"Going into the Dole office and getting your £50 a week doesn't pay the mortgage". Former Lancashire and England leg spinner Chris Schofield shows his financial awareness as he heads into a new domestic season without a County. Oh come on Chris - you must have been getting at least a ton a game for Linthwaite last year......... Don't tell the tax man though.
"It's a catch-21 situation" Kevin Pieterson shows us how well read he is.
"He's bowled like a camel and fielded like a drain!" Bob Willis takes a premature pop at England's final over hero, Kabir Ali, who recovered from a woeful first two balls to secure a tie in the second one day international at Bloemfontein recently in South Africa.
"There has to be a very serious dilemna about representing your country on the cricket field in a land where people are suffering so much at the hands of their government". Believe it or not these are the words of Fat Gat Mike Gatting while visiting Zimbabwe, and it was of course he who led an England rebel tour to South Africa while apartheid was still alive and kicking in the 1980's.
"So dull is he, tapes of the Willis delivery should be sold in Mothercare as a sleeping aid for fractious toddlers". Jim White explains the usefulness of Long Bob's voice on the Sky TV commentary team.
20-10-04 Sounds like the Delphiniums are on the verge of replacing Brandon Nash with an enormous signing - my very reliable embedded reporter o'er tops has e-mailed me with the following information "we are in negotiations with probably the finest cricketer the League will ever see if the deal comes off. A Class act with the bat and the last time he played League cricket he pushed it through a bit but he bowls slow for his test team." Wow. Better than Alan Lamb in the recent past, Gary Sobers in the 60's and the likes of Hirst and Rhodes...... gotta be Sachin ain't it??
As soon as he tells me who it is you'll find out folks. Any suggestions???
The legendary Bridger e-mailed me recently and was idly speculating as to whether his beloved Armitage Bridge "would manage to get more games in next year than Coddy after the recent vote for 22 games in the Conference next year". He seemed to implying that the Large One might not be available at the start of next season - whyever not.............?
2-10-04 Sav to Specky late on Friday night after the club's Annual Dinner presentation "Specky you're a feckin good writer but an absolutely ***e public speaker!" You know what Sav - I couldn't agree more - but at least my ineptitude broke up the night a bit more than usual.
12-09-04 Coddy "It was self defence Ibbo - honest!!!!!!"
5-09-04 It's the new Belf - Long Joe Hinchliffe talking about his progression up the Co-Op Corporate ladder of career promotion - he works in the New Mill branch "Aye - I'm now allowed to cut cucumbers in half!"
30-08-04 Cobba and animals - what is it? Is he in denial of his bestial tendencies? First it was cows - now it's horses. On a lap of Clayton West he was overheard wondering "What is the point of horses?" Ask Coddy or Keith, where would they be without horses Cobba? Ask Jack Pearson. And what about women in riding pants? I rest my case m'lud.
23-08-04 Dave Pamment to Specky on Saturday "Hey, I thought your piece in the Holme Valley Express was just right this week old chap". Feck me, pass the smelling salts and force feed me caviar - in ten years this was the first time Ashley's old fellah had ever agreed with a single word I have ever put to paper about my beloved Scholes CC.
09-08-04 It's Dave Pamment moments after we lost ingloriously to Honley on Saturday "Well I think Sloppy's sloppiness cost us that match!" Sloppy dropped a catch that became the winning run, and that meant Hutch would only have to had done a hat trick afterwards to secure us three points.......
26-07-04 Oh Cobba, did you really think you'd get away with it?? At 'Orrible 'Ullen Edge on Sunday I was surprised to see him playing pool in the clubhouse rather than facing up to the express Lesroy Weekes out in the middle. "Me finger's killing me Ibbo, I'd have been a passenger out there" Mmm I said "Pissed up last night then were you?" At that his Golcar massive boy band brothers giggled and kind of suggested the Oriental One "couldn't stand up" at the end of the night. Don't tell Roger "De Courtenay" France whatever you do.........
19-07-04 Leo's surgeon to yours truly and "she who must be obeyed" on Monday tea after six days in St James' "Ok you can take your son home".
Forgive my maudlin self but I had to get it off my chest - I apologise - cricket only from now on I promise.
4-07-04 H Dog Bryson to yours truly at Shepley on Saturday "You thick bastard Ibbo!" I had arrived at Marsh Lane in a reet state after the ridiculous abandonment at Scholes, and mis-read the scoreboard to such an extent that I believed we were on a parlous 36 for 3 chasing 125 all out. I remained oblivious to the truth for a full half hour before asking H Dog who had got the wickets in Shepley's innings. After the above aside he explained to me that we were in fact 125 for 3 in 36 overs of the first innings. I have been obsessed with cricket for roughly 30 years - but never so embarrassed in all that time.......
20-06-04 Very fittingly, Ashley has reminded me of Colin Jessop's doom laden prediction for the forthcoming season half way through the first game at home to Lascelles Hall. I was there when the best cakeman in the business said to good old Eddie Parkin "This lot'll take us down this year". I did mention this to the First team and therefore claim great motivational powers which have taken the boys to the top of the table - but Chairman Pell's Examiner quote seems to have helped as well........................
In ten years I've never seen a Scholes team so wound up by their opposition. I missed it but apparently Townville were truly appalling with their sledging and abuse. But it worked methinks. Anyway, when John Deaville bowled their chief protaganist for a duck, the Devil pointed his way with the unkind words "Go find the feckin' showers fat boy" , as the rest of the boys gleefully gloated in his brusson face.
Allegley half the Western Terrace at Headingley on Friday joined in with this witty chant, after Simon Walker had thrown Girth Wakefield's shoe well out on to the outfield after being goaded to do so by the Large One. Old Flathead was immediately accosted by three stewards as he jumped over the fence, his inhibitions (and judgement) sorely disrupted by drinking since 8-30am. The stewards looked up to the Police as to whether to frogmarch the paralitic Gareth out of the ground and towards a hefty fine - but the plods shook their heads and Girth clambered back over the fence to a hearty chorus of "You've only got one shoe, you've only got one shoeeee, you've only got one shoe, you've only got one shoe.." to the tune of (I'll tell you later in week cos I can't get the tune as I write)
"WHO?" "WHO?" "WHO?" Chimp when I repeatedly tried to explain to him that John Deaville might be worth a try down the slope. Pre-senile dementia seems likely folks.
23-05-04 Pod to Cobba "You're a certainty for Clubman of the Year Cobba!"
"Why?" "Cos when you're bowling everybody feels involved, (ie it could come hurtling your way at any time), and you always give everyone a chance to bat!"
16-05-04 "You feckin' will be later" Cobba to Chairman Pell after "crowbar" inadvertently chucked a flagon of orange over his groin when we took drinks out and Bob said sorry. Charge him for your dry cleaning Cobba.
09-05-04 A couple of weeks ago in the Second team changing room.....
Melly the Viking to Richard "Bubbles" Holmes - "So what's it like to actually win a game Bubbles??????"
02-05-04 The mighty Scholes Chapelgater's (Evening League double winners) have drawn the puny Scholes First team at home in the first round of the Examiner Eights on Tuesday 11th May. On Saturday I asked Ash if Wasim was going to play - after all - what of Oli bowls him a vicious beamer, breaks his hand and he's out for the rest of the season? "Course he's gonna play, we'll be playing our strongest team, imagine the stick if we lose to you lot...."
26-04-04 I overheard Nobby Noble idly speculating on Saturday afternoon outside the changing rooms as to "wonder how good Cobba would be if he had any brain cells at all?"
19-04-04 Aidey was having a quick teatime pint with Oli last week in the Boot. It was the day Lara had made 400 against England. Oli started laughing, "Feck me 400 eh? Mind you, he won't keep that record very long. Have you seen who we've drawn in the Examiner Eights? Feckin' Wasim'll get 600 against us poor bastards". For the record, Scholes Chapelgaters, Evening League Double Holders, have quite bizarrely drawn Scholes in the first round of the Examiner Eights mini cricket. Let the slaughter begin.
27-03-04 Bob Pell, after Piers had delivered a very rosy treasurer's report at the AGM - "Aye, but we'll still have put the price of our beer up". Kind of reassuring that old "Crowbar" ain't gonna change his ways...
22-03-04 "Well that's just piss poor planning Ibbo you wanker" - Ibbo to Ibbo, on Saturday night's town centre pub crawl, as we walked towards Wetherspoon's, realising that I had just bought a round in the Head of Steam (mortgage required), and it was now the richest man in the Holme Valley's turn to buy a round at #1-35 a pint..... You all missed a good night you boring bastards by the way.
15-03-04 "Feck me, your bar takings will go up even more" - Lascelles Hall's Richard Shaw on hearing Scholes have signed Simon Walker and his buddie "Edie" McCreadie
7-11-03 "It better be funnier than last year" Hutch to Specky when I asked him if he wanted the new Fanzine at the Dinner last week. Ouch! And there I was planning to back our new skipper to the hilt next season... Self-indulgent and self-pitying I may well be - but the fanzine is a hell of a lot of work - this one, the ninth, may well be the last.
20-10-03 "I want to be interviewed in the style of Loaded Magazine" Ashley to Specky about his fanzine contribution.........he asked for it! Watch out for it in 2003 Fanzine section 22-09-03 "Well, I'll have to give up my contract as the new face for 'The lady loves Milk Tray' you know.... Hutch
07-09-03 It's Coddy again - but it's funny this week. I was walking round Shepley's broad pastures with the Large One, and Interpol's most wanted, that Cumbrian legend Digga Stockdale, (who incredibly insists that he is getting married next weekend), and Coddy produced the following gem - "If the top three all win today, Shelf against Dat should be a cracking game next week"..............
31-08-03 "You fecking idiots!" bellowed by Coddy, helpful as ever to struggling team mates, sat in front of the clubhouse moments after Biz dropped a very difficult chance running back and looking into the sun.
24-08-03 It was a mauling by the Delphinium's - but at least I got one of the better quotes of the year - Paz to Ash "Ervins played in every game since he retired".
17-08-03 Cobba was stunned that Hutch pays 30 notes to have his hair done - two washes, a blow dry and cut to follow - "so why don't you just save some money and wash it yourself?" His reply was honest enough - "I don't need to, I've got lot's of the stuff"
10-08-03 Ashley to Glendella at practice on Tuesday night "yeah, but did you need to keep singing "that's the wonder of you" after every ball after your wonder catch Glenn?".
27-07-03 This one's from our very own Brain of Britain - the always top value Cobba. "How's it going Cameron?" he asked Ian Bray several times on Saturday, before cracking up. Not especially funny words in isolation I admit. But hear this. Cobba thinks that the Big Brother winner Cameron's home, the Orkneys, are off the coast of Wales, and thought that their accent was the same, and that it was dead hilarious.... Keep taking the Chinese herbal medicine "massive" boy - you are priceless....
20-07-03 "Don't get me going" Ibbo, when Sloppy asked me on Sunday if Adnan was kept on too long (again) on Saturday as Honley romped home chasing 248.
06-07-03 This came via "Bubbles" Simon Kenworthy to Max Joice - "Are you going to shut the feck up, or am I going to take this glove off and ram this fist down your throat?" This followed overs of abuse from the very brusson Joice as Kenner's batted, and was after Simon rather futilely asked the umpires to interject before he completely lost it. Needless to say, the diminutive Joice suddenly lost his voice after this exchange between the two.
30-06-03 Ash gave me this a couple of weeks ago. Hutch to Hassan Adnan as he walked into the changing rooms on his first appearance for Scholes, following an arduous 20 minute journey on a Saturday lunchtime from Bradford - "So how was the flight Hassan?"
23-06-03 In the clubhouse on Monday night, after the mighty Chapelgater's had made it 8 out of 9 against the worst team ever to play at Scholes in the second round of the Emmerson cup. "Chip" to Ibbo "I can't play at Slaithawite on Wednesday I'm on lates" Oli to Chip "Oh feck off copper, just put your kit in the back of your patrol car and I'll put in a call about a break in at Slaithwaite C.C. at about 6pm on Wednesday!"
14-06-03 Paul Booth was stumped on Saturday, and didn't like it one bit. I was sat with a Scholes dignatary, and remarked "well Boothy didn't like that one bit did he?" The chompmeister replied "No, they never do with lbw's do they?"
7-06-03 "So why don't you eat fish Specky, it's not as if they've got heads or anything is it? The mulleted one questioned my clearly irrational vegetarianism, as we closed in on a win (praise be the lord!) at wild and windy Emley Clarence.
31-05-03 Laurence Heap "I played against ***** in his pomp, and he was even worse behaved than this lot are today. If they'd had the same disciplinary system in place back then he'd have been in as much trouble as these boys are in nowadays."
24-05-03 Richard Jakeman - "That's f**king s**t!" , just before he hurled the ball on the ground in frustration after big Ron turned down a massive caught behind appeal against Wasim on Saturday when he had made 39. He went on to make 138* in his last game for Scholes
10-05-03 Roger France, commentating on Scholes superb Sykes Cup win at Elland for Radio Leeds excellent cricket show - "Wasim Jaffer must be in good form, as he's just made 86 and 98 for Mumbai in the Banji cup"
05-05-03 "Me back hurts, me knees hurt, me shins hurt and me ankles hurt. I shouldn't be here". Hutch, in the changing rooms at Mirfield Parish Cavaliers, as enthusiastic as ever about playing two games a weekend.
28-04-03 It's Coddy again, this time to Dave "Spaghetti" Weston at Elland on Saturday "Your hair's in surprisingly good fettle Dave. Don't tell me you've forked out for a proper hairdressers rather have your grandad do it."
21-4-03 This one's come to me a little late, but I believe it merits inclusion. Coddy, before the pre-season friendly, as he gazed somewhat gaily at the superb Scarborough wicket, the county size boundaries, armed with fish and chips in one hand and an uncompleted betting slip in the other. "By the way Ash - me back's gone" He had also forgotten his whites, as a further entirely factual embellishment to this archetypal tale of the "Large One".
14-04-03 "That's absolute and utter unmitigated babsniffs" Cobba Whitwam, on Saturday in Scarborough, when he learned that Sheffield Wednesday had beaten Portsmouth in Pompey, thus destroying a nine match accumulator that was promising untold riches to the Golcar gambler.
7-04-03 On the sponsored walk on Sunday, as we wandered down Flight Hill and took in the stupendous views, Chimp suddenly stopped and began rather worryingly rooting around at his dogs rear end. "What on earth are you doing Robert?" the younger Bryson asked. "It's got a load of sticks up it's arse!" he succinctly replied. I suppose you had to be there - but my how we chuckled.
24-02-03 Glendell has at last moved to Boundary Court, Scholes, his front garden a mere effortless chip away for six by Wasim. I asked for his new address on the phone the other night. He put on his best Elvis Presley accent and recited "Gracelands, 8 Boundary Court, Scholes, etc,etc" Elvis is indeed alive and well and living next to our beloved Chapelgate...
27-1-03 Chimp on the phone to Specky on Saturday morning "No, I don't think I'll be there tonight, I'm taking Alethea out for a meal." Yeah - and the Swamp Monkeys are going to win the Premiership eh Chimp? To his credit the little champion climber did in fact turn up at about 11pm and was last seen falling over the back wall about 1am.
6-1-03 Ashley to Stockdale recently "It's the club dinner on Friday, I'm taking along a black bag" Stocks "Why's that Wood?" "To carry all me trophies home in"
2-12-02 James Noble to Chris Stockdale at the WACA, Perth, Australia, last Friday "I've been looking for Ibbo all day - have you seen him?" Apparently poor old Nobby has been confused by the two Edmund's who post on this site - ie English Edmund (me) and Ozzy Edmund (Stocks) - and thought I'd left Leo, Karen and Grace in soggy England for the winter....as if I'd want to do such a thing...
18-11-02 I had to ring the legendary Holme Valley Viking at home, to get a new date for the quiz night he was originally going to host on the 30th November in the clubhouse. We swapped the usual insults and then he went off to work out when he he would be able to do it, ie a Saturday when town were at home or not playing, or even rarer, a day he wouldn't be on holiday. He came back and roared down the phone "feckin' hell Specky, you're not going to believe this, I haven't got a Town fixture list anywhere in the house!!". So I still don't know when he's going to do his Quiz night - and I suppose that's why our beloved Mel ain't ever going to be writing for the Times......
11-11-02 Chimp and Alethea had a very fine holiday in the Canaries recently. Cosmopolitan Chimp ate well, but hardly went native.... "I had steak and chips on three nights (5 euros), fish and chips on two (4 euros) and half a chicken and chips (3 euros) on the other two. Fantastic!!!!".
04-11-02 The Holme Valley Viking came up with the following brilliantly simple plan for fund raising, in the middle of a slightly chaotic Committee meeting on Tuesday night. "Why don't we go over to feckin' France with a big feckin' van and buy shedloads of cans. Then come back, put 'em all in the middle of the clubhouse and drink the feckers." Hats off to Mel I say.....
27-10-02 Edmund of Oz on hearing (allegedly) how much Wasim's been offered to come back "**K! Feck me, you could get two great players for that much."
20-10-02 Ibbo at 8 am Saturday morning after double figures at the Club dinner at Durker Roods. "blarrrggghhh. Oh feck! What've I done with the fanzines I didn't sell last night. Oh double feck. Where the feck are all those solid silver trophies I was looking after last night?" 06-10-02 "We're going self-catering this time - I'm taking 120 cans of Heinz beans & sausages..." Chimp when I asked him if he was looking forward to the Spanish food in Tenerife where he and Alethea head off next week.
29-10-02 Buster to Gareth in clubhouse Tuesday night. "So if Laurence buys the cricketer every month what do you get Grrrttthhh? The 'Non-Cricketer'???? Boom Boom!!
22-09-02 I was mildly poking a bit of fun via e-mail at Glendell re his decline as a front line bowler.... and he replied with these non-ironic words, explaining his demise "I have felt the need to bowl too many wicket taking bowls instead of steady away up the hill with a bit of away swing!"
15-09-02 Overheard as I worked behind the bar on Saturday night Coddy to Derek? (Sue Noble's partner) "Your language is absolutely terrible" Takes your feckin' breath away doesn't it....
08-09-02 Full marks to Ash for the following 'malopropism', overheard as I sat contentedly for a few minutes on the players balcony with Leo on lap on Saturday, as we moved towards a lurvely win against Elland. Ash was taking the piss out of animal lover Steve Whitwam for his fearful encounter with a cow earlier in the season - (see first quote of season) "So it advanced menacingly towards you eating chud eh?" We think he meant "chewing the cud"...........
01-09-02 I ran into Lascelles Hall's Richard Shaw on the wards at St Lukes on Friday - he'd just been sectioned, sorry just sectioned some poor soul. See you tomorrow mate I said. He paused for a moment, and then asked, slightly mockingly I thought - "who the feck's bowling for you tomorrow?" I think I answered Kristian, Steve and Rex.......
27-08-02 “It was like getting a hole-in-one at golf, I walked into the clubhouse at Shepley looked around and realised I had to buy everyone a drink. I’d run the entire team out!! Ash after brilliant team performance in SwampWorld.
20-8-02 This is not funny at all - but important in it's own way "You're an embarrassment" Hollered at the top of his voice by a deeply stressed Vice- Captain after a fellow First Teamer dropped a steepler at a crucial poin