Scholes Cricket Club: Glendell's 2nd XI
Elvis Eccentria Invents New Game for Scholeser's!
Scholeholian Bingo –Fun for all the Family I have invented a new game for anyone to play in the dark winter months going into Spring and it can even be carried through the cricket season. I do not have copyright to it and you are free to change and adapt the game for your own enjoyment. The basic idea is that you gain points for seeing/greeting fellow members of the cricket club in locations away from Scholes and the surrounding area (photos of them are good). The further away from the club and more unusual the location/activity, the more points you gain. You can award yourself points and make up your own scoring system but you must be able to rationalise it on questioning. My own personal top score is Vinny in his JCB and my best location for this so far is a sighting in Paddock in late 2008. Now, I appreciate that some members of the club take part in activities that they may not wish to share with other people in Scholes so PLEASE respect people’s privacy and DO NOT stalk anyone! A good example would be if you saw Melly Booth having his wig measured up, then you would not claim this as points in Scholeholian Bingo as it could compromise Melly’s reputation as having the finest head of hair in the valley. Or if you saw Chimp eating cakes from Hadfield’s you could get him in trouble for endorsing another bakery so you would keep it quiet. However, if you see Bubbles on the telly raking bunkers at The Open, then you can claim that. Easy isn’t it?? I wondered if we might offer the prizes for the top three Scholeholian Bingo points totals at the Annual Dinner, that is it if anyone has any interest at all. It could still be entertaining if nobody has any interest. So, that is the general gist of it. Spot people from the cricket club as far away as is possible to get from the club, take a photo (even better if you have a Scholes top on) and then be prepared to stand up at the dinner and justify your entry. There will be a selection of incredibly poor prizes, none of which will have any monetary value at all. Please don’t tell Josh Brook that the Bingo has started as he could get a jackpot with a photo of Corgi in Australia. He is aware of the game as I have told it about him when I saw him in Marsh so he might use his own initiative and remember to take some pics. Hot tip: Marsh is a hotbed of Scholeholian Bingo, I work near there, as does Kristian Whittaker (ex-Schloesers count too) and Thomas Weston. Harry Bryson and Josh Brook have also been seen in Marsh. Extra category: Scholeholians at work, any pictures have to be of them at work and smiling! Extra News….. For those of you who were wondering what was missing from last season, it was of course the chance to see my one man living legend tribute act to the King of Rock and Roll –“Elvis Lives in Scholes”. For some reason the entertainment committee saw fit to book proper acts who can actually play instruments and sing. A course of action that I can only completely agree with. I am hoping to have a new jumpsuit ready for a comeback in 2017 (40th anniversary of his death) with some elastic panels fitted in the waist area. That’s it for now, looking forward to the new season. I am personally hoping to equal or better my appearances total for last season which was 2, although I was picked 3 times but the Shepley game at home was rained off. I have got a new warm up man, Andy Gledhill from Holmfirth. I have a new job and work in the same place as him. I have been perfecting my dibbly dobblers against him. Aloha! Glenn “Elvis” Swindell xxxx 27th January 2009
And I can make the first claim for quite good points - was walking with a mad person while "working" in the hills above Outlane a few weeks ago, turned a lonely country corner and there was the rotund Coldwell, leaning on a 4 x 4 and already abusing me. He was supposed to be doing an extension or summit.....Specky
Tuesday, June 24
ELVIS HAS RETURNED TO THE BUILDING
Wherever you may wander, there’s no place like Scholes…. News, views and observations of our beloved club from “over the wall”.
Melly Booth haircut shock Melly has recently been to the “hairdressers”on Hollowgate and was so busy talking to the young lady who was gently tousling his hair that he failed to notice she had cut off all his mullet. Melly has purchased some Regaine which he has to rub into his hair with sea salt and crushed Maltesers to stimulate new growth. Melly is finding this hard as he likes the “Lighter Way to enjoy Chocolate”. Melly Fact: Melly is famous for ordering food without an accompanying salad for as we all know, salad is a waste of space and its place on a plate should be “filled with chips”.
Paul Hertzberg shorts with underpant lining revelation Paz attended the Paddock Shield Slaithwaite match earlier in the season wearing a pair of sports/casual Adidas shorts with a built in underpant lining. The origins of these types of shorts are unknown but special care must be taken to regularly check their condition. A perished underpant lining can result in “loose veg” which as well as being uncomfortable is a danger if occurring in public. Adidas fact: Adi and Rudi Dassler fell out with each other over a woman after the Second World War. Adi went on to found Adidas and Rudi founded Puma. Fact.
Tom Brook ponders football future Apparently, sources close to Tom Brook have intimated that he may be considering a summer transfer to Scholes FC 3rd Team. Given that Brendan Coleman (50), Chris Noble (51), Robert Boorman (54) and Tony Bellis (62) are likely to be his team mates, Tom will have plenty of experience to call on in his fledgling career. Other confidantes suggest that the real reason for his move is to play alongside rock “n” roll legend, Elvis Presley who takes the field in a neoprene jumpsuit to keep his ravaged body together. We await further news… Scholes FC 3rd Team fact: Last season Scholes FC 3rds finished 95th out of 96 teams in the Huddersfield District League. This is no way was a reflection of the effort put in by the players.
England “Non” sweaters poor affair England’s Test Team have been seen playing in Wimbledon White outfits with “sweaters” that can only be described as “flimsy”. I doubt very much that they would last long in a Chapelgate Force 6 which we experienced this weekend. Hopefully the ECB will see sense and revert to a traditional cable knit very soon. England kit fact: The new kit is made by Adidas who have German origins –as does Gareth Wakefield.
Lovely new windcheaters I have ordered one of the very fetching Scholes CC windcheaters from Mrs Bryson but have so far been unable to secure any sponsorship for the back of my jacket. I am therefore open to offers as to who would like their company logo or name on my back. I am very cheap as the likelihood of me getting major media coverage in my jacket is limited to say the least. This is however, a unique opportunity. Sponsorship Fact: Glenn and Sally Swindell are walking the Yorkshire 3 Peaks (Pen-y Ghent, Whernside and Ingleborough) at the end of July in aid of the British Heart Foundation, 25 miles in one day – hooly dooly. Anyone wishing to sponsor us will be made a brew and thanked profusely.
We Band of Brothers Tom and Josh Brook are brothers, as are Richard and Mark Wimpenny, Tom Boorman and Matthew are brothers and so are Jack and Harold Bryson. Bubbles and Chimp, however, are not – although they are both diminutive and dedicated. Bubbles and Chimp fact: There is currently a small patch of clover on the cricket field near the bottom side. This is clearly unacceptable and Bubbles will kill it with his weed gun very soon.
Supersoaker “Incident” A local prankster recently “Super-soaked” both Matthew Boorman and Joe Wood in a friendly game last week when they were carrying out fielding duties at the Boundary Court End. The culprit has yet to be found. Tramp fact: Tramp wears flip flops in the middle of winter. Fact.
Recommendations for the months ahead:
- Magners Irish Cider in moderate quantities.
- Ridiculously wild celebrations upon scoring a goal for Scholes FC 3rd Team.
- Singing songs with some mad person in a black jumpsuit at the end of the season.
- Home composting.
- Push along lawnmowers instead of electric, unless you live at Uppergate Farm where the grounds are extensive.
- Russia for the European Championships.
- Dogs and dog walking to get you out of the house.
- The Wonder Years re-runs on digital TV.
- Morrison’s wholemeal Garlic Bread.
GLENDELLA'S RETIRED BUT STILL HAS OPINIONS
Comment for the website….
“The Dragon breathes again”
Now that I am in self-imposed semi retirement, I have the opportunity to watch a few games. I would like to say how rewarding it is to see the younger members of Scholes 2nd XI making such a good contribution to an excellent start to the season. Harry, Joe, Sam, Josh and Matthew are all turning into decent cricketers and with the help of some seasoned veterans, the seconds are once again a force to be reckoned with.
Thanks also to everyone who sent us cards and gifts for Faith back in January, we are all doing well and enjoy coming to watch the thrilling battles against the evil magician Dibb and his henchmen.
I am no longer Captain Chaos and will have to make do with being Sidnorth the Dragon sitting on his perch instead.
CHAOS' SALUTES THE TROOPS
Reet then - I'll post the first half of Glenndella's totally amusing Tribute to his boys now - and I'll put the rest up after the Dinner on November 7th so you'll have to buy the fanzine on the night to get the complete version... hahahahah
CHAOS – AKA The Swinndler has been a much valued contributor to both the website and fanzine in the last two years. This is his tribute to the 2003 class of Second Eleven heroes…and this was the very last thing he ever composed on his now Africa bound computer.
Captain Chaos Signing off with a tribute to the Second XI….
Well folks, I have been El Capitano for two seasons and am now ready for a break, Rob Load has manfully stepped into the breach as it were and I am sure he will do a fine job. Here are this year’s pen portraits starting with……
Tom is developing into a fine young cricketer, he has had some good innings in friendlies, but scored some great runs in the league against Linthwaite (away). I have said it before and I will say it again, Tom will score many runs for Scholes in the future, keep your eye on him. Tom fact: Tom scored 14339 goals for Hepworth U11’s last season.
Josh is making the transition from scorer in the pavilion to scorer on the field. He has a good presence at the wicket and has begun to get some runs for the seconds and in the juniors. Josh is going to be even harder to get out as he develops, he is a nice young man and again, I think he and his brother will score many, many runs for Scholes. Josh fact: Josh is known as Mbeda to most people in Scholes, although only Coddy knows why.
The superlatives have finally run out for this man’s batting antics. I am in awe of his mental perseverance as he has amassed over a thousand runs to help us maintain our premiership status. Nicky, you are a living Scholes legend, it is a pleasure opening the batting with you, you are a top bloke and thank you. Buster fact: Nicky has scored more runs for Scholes than Melly Booth has had hot dinners, by 3.
Louis is the finest bike rider in the area. My particular favourite stunt of Louis’s is when he rides head first into the Hall Bower patio and always remains unscathed. Marvellous. Louis fact: Louis spends an average of £52.77 at each game on sweets and pop.
I am sure that Janet is a huge cricket fan and we value her support in those tricky games, keep feeding them menfolk whatever it is they have……..3,4,5, Weetabix????
Daryl Brook (supported by Margaret and Megan)
Daryl’s finest moment this season was when he bowled some magic at Methley and they all got out, fantastic. I think Daryl has had more than his fair share of holidays this year and he also needs an iron for THAT shirt but apart from that he has been his usual smashing self. Daryl fact: Daryl lost 3 stone several winters ago and his physique shames everyone else at the club, apart from Melly.
Andrew Brook (no relation)
Brooky has broken into the seconds from the juniors and has done pretty well. With a bit more practise, hopefully he will be able to beat the round world yachting record as boating is his real love. Andrew fact: Sailing is done on water whilst cricket is played on grass.
Lieutenant Helmut Grubelsniffler
Gareth Wakefield hit the best six I have ever seen to help us win a tricky away fixture at Honley, he is a right nice lad and I hope he stays at Scholes for a long time. Gareth always gives 100% and it is appreciated. Gruber fact: Gareth’s head is used by builders to check if their walls are flat and he is 1.2% German.
“Uncle” Graham Dodgson
In the annals of history Dotty will be remembered as a fine captain and cricketer of some repute. This may not necessarily be based on this season’s performances for the seconds and against friendly teams but Dotty is a great supporter and I am sorry that I was usually out whenever he arrived at the ground. Dotty fact: Dotty has quietly been accumulating profits from Shepley Spring by diverting it to his living room and bottling it as Evian, then selling it at Car Boot sales.
Andrew Walshy Walsh
Walshy is more of a tennis man but did fill in for us in the holiday season and steered us to a magnificent victory over Meltham. This game was also notable for Meltham bemoaning the fact that they cannot get their juniors to play for their senior sides……….look and learn Mean Laners!!!!! Walsh fact: Andrew is ranked 567334 in men’s world tennis.
Craig Martian (supported by Mabel and Tony)
The Martian has bought a new bat this year and he needs to start using it. It is good to have him back at the club but he needs to realise that next time he jumps over my garden wall to kidnap Elvis, there is a goodly drop to beware of. Marsh fact: Sally Swindell thinks that Craig, is in fact 34. Extra Marsh fact: Marsh took 4 million catches this season.
Pelly gets his fare share of 1st team duty and on the whole he does it without moaning. He has matured a bit over the last couple of years and is a nice young man. I was pleased to see him get some wickets for the 1’s on the last day of the season even though his hair was poor. Pelly fact: Pelly has had “poor” hair for 84% of the season.
The Holme Valley Viking
Melly is great but he always disappears half way through the season to go to California for the annual cow pat throwing competition, he never wins, but is the UK’s best ever finisher, eating 24 cow pats at one sitting. Melly is a top bloke and I look forward to seeing his taut sweater straining next season. Melly fact: Melly never showers after a game but rarely smells.
CORPULENT CHAOS IS BACK
Sunday 3rd August, 2003….The Empire Strikes Back
It has been a while Chaos fans but I have found some time at the end of a week’s holiday to pen a few lines. I have been to a lovely lodge in the Lake District but have ended up with a chest infection and am feeling fragile…..however, I have been inspired to write, following deeds of derring do with the World famous Second XI.
Yesterday we did battle with the humble Clayton West, who currently occupy bottom spot in the Premiership. You would think they would be humble, given that they aren’t the most talented team you will ever come across, but no! they were as brusson as they come -their supporters were as bad (shouting “drop it” when a catch went up) and they even coached from the umpire position at square leg (very carried away).
I won the toss and elected to bat, even though we were a bit weak and the expected James Noble didn’t turn up due to toe infestations, this gave a debut to the stand in scorer, the mighty Jackishi Bryson, younger sibling of the even “mightier” Prince Harold Bryson.
I, Captain Chaos and Prince Paulus of Saxe-Hertzberg opened the batting and I duly bludgeoned my usual fours and a six and then got bowled for 27. Paz went on to bat for 49 overs and held the innings together with Daryl Brook who got 30 (Daryl has now done for the season due to football). Paz eventually perished for 88 and the rest of the youthful element didn’t get many at all, although Andrew Longshanks was very unfortuante to be run out. We ended on 178 for 9 - not bad considering the team. Young Jackishi did not get to bat, although he was like a caged lion on the pavilion veranda, when he gets a bit older I am SURE he will strike the fear of god into any opposition, no one will want to be Kished.
Half time saw a great effort at the wicket from Neil Bryson, he brushes and paints so well and has learnt the art very quickly - thank you. Peter Lockwood and Keith Dyson again proved to be the best raffle men in the Holme Valley, they are regularly scoring half centuries this year and again this is much appreciated.
We feasted like merry men but could no justice to the cakes as Melvyn the Viking had pottered off to do his day job and thus he has “retired” for another season. I gave a poor team talk full of bravado and coughing, I claimed all team members would be shot if we lost, to which Paz remarked.. “that might not be in the best interests of the club?” - “fair comment”, I replied, “but we are trying to build for the future and need to get rid of some dead wood” , I think the lads put it down to me being a bit off colour.
Ervin and I opened the bowling, Erv’s trousers straining with each delivery and me wheezing up the hill - don’t let anyone tell you that 2nd team cricket isn’t much of a spectacle! We had a great start and had then at 27 for 3 but we knew we were weak in the bowling and that it could be close. They had one batter who did a Flintoff and got them within a couple of runs……we held all our catches and would surely have won if the umpire had heard of the LBW rule but apparently in his world it just did not exist (except for Prince Harold). They had two young lads in at the end and it was NAIL BITING stuff…….the fielders came in and they struck two to draw level, cue scenes of exuberance from the Clayton squad, they needed one to win a HUGE game and give themselves a fighting chance of staying in the premiership.
Up steps Joseph Hinchcliffe, 16 and ready or anything…….he bowls down the hill, the crowd baying him on… it’s tight and they don’t get anything…….Marshy stops a certain match winning single with a dive and then with 7 balls to go in this roller-coaster of a game with sizzling hot Gypsies and rolling around romance on the beach…….Hinchcliffe bowls their last man out with wickets and bails going everywhere…… Scenes of jubilation from the Scolesers, marvellous, 3 points instead of 1…..we had turned success into failure into success and then pulled a rabbit out of the bag to produce a chocolate cake with fondant filling and icing on top - yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!
I was well chuffed, we felt like we’d won and they felt like they’d lost. I TRULY hope we can get enough points in the last 6 games to stay up. We have had a very hard season, we have batted well but not bowled and fielded well enough in enough games, but there you go, we are hanging on in there and there is everything to play for……I hope it does not go down to the wire at Linthwaite on the last day of the season.
We now have half a team missing for a couple of weeks and all the top 4 teams to play out of our last 6 games -phew………I am standing down from the captaincy at the end of the season to be with my wife and new baby (if all goes to plan), I don’t want to be the man who captains us to relegation, touch wood that won’t happen and at the end of the day…….it is only a game.
So there you go…….I have passed 500 runs for the season, which is a fair go for a pinch hitter, 13 wickets and 8 catches so far……..I seem to bowl lollipops these day….I think if I shift a stone in weight I might get a little bit better, perhaps it is time to buy a new bat instead.
Thanks for all your support this season, it is very much appreciated, we will do our best to give you something to cheer.
Glendell Swindell aka “Elvis, Lionel, Swinners, or……………….CAPTAIN CHAOS!!!!!!
CHAOS IS BACK - BUT ONLY BRIEFLY
Chaos returns for a brief cameo……..16th June 2003
I have recently been chastised by the webmaster for not writing anything for the website after our 3 league defeats to Skelmanthorpe, Linthwaite and Meltham.
The truth is I am a very busy man and would rather enjoy the beautiful Scholes countryside in an evening instead of sitting in front of my computer typing!
Our form has been patchy of late but we have picked up good cup wins against Golcar in the Paddock Shield and Delph in the Crowther cup, we are now in the quarter finals of both competitions.
From now on I am on sabbatical from writing my column, I am concentrating on keeping us in the premiership and of fulfilling my dream to captain a cup winning team, either or both would do.
I hope you have enjoyed the journeys we have been on, the trip to Delphinium was particularly wonderful and Sidnorth the Dragon remains happy as ever in his cave on Cheesegate Nab.
Aloha from Hawaii and I hope to see you soon.
CHAOS' CUDDLES KEEP ON WORKING
27.05.03 The Mighty Scholes 2nd XI Go On and On
Nicky Brook is a batting god and Melly Booth is like a Viking. Harry Bryson is a lovely big pudding and cuddling Gareth Wakefield is working wonders…………..
We have had a wonderful Springbank Holiday so far because we picked up our first wins in the league and Gareth Wakefield finally fulfilled some of his early career potential.
On Saturday we had a tough away fixture at league leaders, Armitage Bridge - they set us a total of 169 and we got them in the final over, Gareth, Nicky Brook and Melvyn Booth were the batting heroes.
On Monday we played host to Barkisland from Halifax in our first ever Huddersfield League meeting. We won again thanks to some great batting from Nicky Brook, Melly Viking, Marshy and Harry Bryson - also Joe Hinchcliffe bowled very well in an 11 over spell.
So there you go, a good do all round….but does that tell the full story? Well perhaps not. On Saturday we gave up Marshy and Pelly to the first team and Earvin Clarke ricked his neck and we still won and on Monday we had to cope with 5 dropped catches and Bob Boorman falling over in installments and we had no Earvin (injured) or Rob Load (1st XI) so on a closer inspection we DID VERY WELL.
I am having this week off work to recover and to ponder how I dropped a catch in the deep….
This year’s sideburn growing competition is now on…….early leaders are Sam Lockwood and Graham “Chillies” Dodgson.
Contents of Melly Booth’s Mind:
Beer, cakes, women with no clothes on and ladyboys.
Contents of Paz’s Mind:
Having good hair, being like Alec Stewart and wearing cardigans.
Contents of Gareth Wakefield’s Mind:
beer, Lacoste, a mis-spent youth and early adulthood.
Contents of Harry Bryson’s Mind:
Cricket and eating.
Food that is nice when cold…………Ice Cream.
Best raffle man………Peter Lockwood.
Last Elvis no.1 whilst he was alive………..”The Wonder of You”.
Best cricket club in the world……..Scholes (Huddersfield).
We have joy, we have fun, we play cricket in the sun, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes, we are Scholes……….
Glennbo………message me at email@example.com
CHAOS' CUP CHAMPIONS WIN AGAIN
Captain “Chaos” - When will Sidnorth the Dragon reappear?
Scholes 2nd XI Stats so far: League - played 4 lost 2 rained off 2
Paddock Shield - played 1 won 1
Crowther Cup - played 1 won 1
Chaos stats: Runs - 51, 65, 7, 21, 14 (158)….wickets - 5….catches - 5.
We were meant to play Ashley and his men from Honley on Saturday but it rained and we didn’t even get started. I went home to watch the football and saw Arsenal beat Southampton 1-0.
On Sunday it looked like more of the same with the weather but we actually managed to play! We did the cricket version of the “hokey cokey”, in, out, in, out, shake your bat about and all that….anyway we won a game, another one!
The plucky losers were Baildon from the Bradford League……..I lost the toss (again) to make it 5 in a row and they batted. Earvin got them at about 10 for 4 and then we took the foot of the gas and they got 180 all together. We dropped a few catches (again) with Earvin being guilty of 2 and Nicky “Safe hands” Brook breaking a finger nail dropping another (thanks to Neil and Jan Bryson for dressing it for him, 4 times). Thankfully the evergreen Howard from “Steps” was around to field for Nicky.
Gareth Wakefield bowled well (3 wickets) and so did I with 1 for 32 off 10 - into a force 4 gale. Sam Lockwood took 2 catches (well done) and we went for tea feeling a bit rubbish.
Batting was a little tricky - they had a fast lad at the top end, he ran in from Hade Edge - I took him for a six and a four then he had me caught behind. The Bavarian Prince then proceeded to set his stall out and got 55 (well done Paz), Craig “Marshy” Marsh got a few and then patted one to the covers (he kept wicket well though), Nicky Brook (very bravely) went in later on and smashed it all about and we got the runs with Nicky on 48 and the Holme Valley Viking (whilst trying desperately to get caught out) pinching strike and denying the brilliant Brook another 50 for his beloved Scholes.
Gareth Wakefield asked me when Sidnorth the Dragon would be reappearing in my stories and I said he would only come out if he saw us venturing onto the moors on our way to Delphinium - Harry Bryson was also concerned but I told him not to worry and have done him some “extra” Sidnorth stories for his bedtime reading, who knows it might take off like that JK Rowling woman. We may get Delph in the cup and Sidnorth could turn up….who knows…….?
So, Sunday was a good day all round…..a steady crowd supported us well and everyone was happy, we have Delph or Salts in the next round of the Crowther Cup and we have drawn The Golcar Massive in the Paddock Shield round 2 (at home) -I will be good to renew aquaintences with them as they went down last season.
My only worry is that we are now a “cup” side with few league points, it would be nice if we could get some against Armitage Bridge on Saturday and Barkisland on Monday. Melly Booth is on a 3rd Golden Duck in a row against Armitage Bridge on Saturday if he manages it, a unique achievement I’m sure you’ll agree.
Funny moments of the day…..
Melly Booth said that one particular food that tastes nice when cold is …….”ice cream”.
Jack Bryson, with an orange ball in his hand (which he had been looking for) in reply to my question of “oh you found it then?”……”no”.
Recommendations for the week:
1. Grow sideburns.
2. Listen to Elvis Presley.
3. Live in Scholes.
4. Eat ice cream when cold.
5. Join the Co-op.
6. Visit the Women’s institute market in Holmfirth on a Saturday morning for cakes.
7. Chase Steve Whitwam if you see him driving.
8. Cuddle Gareth Wakefield.
9. Stand on the boundary if you are Captain and tell your batters to “get on with it”.
10. recycle cardboard, plastic, glass bottles and the like.
Thanks to Sally (my wife) for coming to watch and her all round support - don’t forget you can e-mail me on firstname.lastname@example.org…that’s it folks.
S the D xx
PS news…news…..news….news….. hot off the press……Steve Hopes may be better and be able to play for us by……July.
CHAOS IS VERY MERRY
Captain Chaos 12th May 2003 - “Chaos is saved from falling on his sword….”
Well, well, well, well well, well, well ahh go on go on go on go on go on go on go on, will yer still be the Captain father and will yer have a cup of tea? It is still sinking in that the famous Scholes Second XI, lead by yours truly actually did beat Elland in the Paddock Shield first round on Saturday - phew, what a game.
We always seem to have close games against the men from Calderdale recently and Saturday was no exception. As you know, we lost narrowly to them a couple of weeks ago, as we had done last season, so we REALLY wanted to win.
I lost the toss for the 4th time in a row and Elland elected to bat. I addressed the team with a Churchillian speech that seemed to do the trick, there were lumps in the throats of grown men and we went out on a mission. Elland scored a respectable 228 which we helped them with by dropping three catches. We did however save some boundaries, mainly when Melly The Viking and the young prince Harold fell over at the bottom end and stopped anything that went in their direction. Credit must go to John Hinchcliffe for coming to play from Khazakstan and to the very nice Gareth Wakefield who swore at his captain and spat his dummy out but bowled very well. Earvin Clarke’s trousers were once again taut over his manly frame.
A lovely tea was had by all with 5 of our overs to bowl (due to the rain), we got them over with and then prepared to bat. “El” Swindell and Buster Brook opened and put on a quick 61, Swindell then perished to the old Steers man but Nicky the Pig went on to amass 103 and his bro’ Daryl Hamster got plenty and took us to within shouting distance. When the Igmeister was out we needed about 42……..Step forward the prodigal son, Craig MARSH - he helped Daryl get a few more, smote a lovely six and then we got a four and had won in the penultimate over, oh joy, oh joy, oh joy!!!
We won, smashing. I proceeded to send Harold to the bar for 10 Buds and an alocopop which he did and guess what??? He even remembered a bottle opener….it is as though Harry has been taking clever pills or something. There was much singing of the Whales song in the dressing room and many a relieved man grinning.
We all got nicely drunk, well I did on 3 pints and are now looking forward to the draw for the next round…….if Duncan Dyson’s feelings of the league being against Shcoles, we will probably get Honley or Meltham away……..watch the paper on Thursday.
More good news, the under 15’s beat Shepley tonight (Monday) and looked great in their new tracksuits….Shepley are the best under 15 team so well done boys - Harry Bryson and Tom Chadwick got most of the runs…..excellent. That’s it for this week……I had been thinking we would never win this year but we did and I am a VERY happy bunny.
All the best, e-mail me with any requests or views on email@example.com
PS This week I can mostly recommend winning at cricket followed by beer.
DENNIS DOES SCHOLES AGAIN
Captain Chaos 2003 - Week 2 (played 2 lost 2)
This week we took on those lovely fellows from Elland and lost again! We were put into bat as the wicket looked like it might do a bit, I opened the batting alongside Nicky Brook. I then proceeded to blast a quick 65 (my highest score since 1991 and 4 off my bestest ever) and everyone else chipped in, Buster and Paz doing most of the work, we got 201 - we should have got about 230.
Elland came in and we did brill and had eight of them out with them still needing 30 odd. Peter Weston and Harry Bryson had taken excellent catches in the deep, I had picked up 3 wickets the best being Tazzyman plumb LBW although he still whinged about it and Buster, Gareth, Loaders and Marshy getting the others.
We put on a really good team performance but couldn’t finish them off. Veteran Dennis Midwood steered then home in the penultimate over -we lost again, disappointment all round.
The highlight of the day was me hitting Elland’s opening bowler (who has a ponytail) for 5 consecutive fours, which saw him take his sweater - marvellous.
And so that leaves us with a solitary point from two games and probably foot of the table, for now I hope -we need to stay in the Premiership for the good of the club but it will be a battle his season. Next week we take on Bower Power, normally even matched and pleasant games and then Elland again in the first round of the Paddock Shield -hooly dooly!
And finally…..thanks to the marvellous supporters we had at the club on Saturday, you deserve a medal or perhaps a heated bench (?) for staying out in that weather - you should know better!!
Chaos stats: 116 runs, 3 catches and 4 wickets. (target 500, 15, 30)
We cannot hope to move forward as a club if we do not invest in qualified coaching and guidance for our junior players. At present Phil Weston has kindly been supporting the junior end of the club with sporadic support from a few other willing people - we are now in a situation where we have 3 junior teams and only Phil running them. This is a disgrace. A club of Scholes’ stature and pedigree surely must realise that developing local junior talent is one of the best ways of ensuring continuing success at our small and humble club.
We need at LEAST one adult per team plus someone else to be there on match nights, we also need at least a couple of qualified coaches at the club who can oversee youth development. Please can we get this sorted out?
All the best
IT'S WAR OUT THERE
Captain Chaos -25th April 2003 - “D-Day”
Captain Glenwinski “Shouting” Swindovski was in contemplatitive mood. He was sitting on a box of dried apricots in the stores hole of a very muddy trench system. Northern France was no fun for a tough-talking cricketer like himself, he longed for the green grass of the cricket field and the sound of balls whistling to the boundary instead of grenades being thrown at him.
He recountered when he had signed up for the famous “Screaming Scholes” platoon of crack US Paratroopers, a formidable bunch of outlaws, legends, vikings with a dragon for their mascot. It was winter 1998, Swindell had been out of meaningful combat for a while and was challenged to sign up by the gun slinging Westler brothers, feared throughout northern Europe for their no mercy attitude, they had slain many and were gearing up for the “big one”.
Swindevski had played a minor role in the campaign of 1999, setting his sights on the assault of mainland Europe in 2000. He pondered……..was it really that long ago? Victory in that campaign had been sweet, troops had come in from the Indian subcontinent and really given the enemy some welly. The senior Westler brother had proven to be a good commander, precision bombing and all out attack had seen all others wither before the “Screamin’ Scholesers”.
The winter of 2000/2001 proved harsh. General Westler and Corporal Bellafonte had perished on the beaches and it was left to Air Commodore Boothici and Seargeant Pammentos to take up the reigns of the tired and hungry platoons. 1st Airborne Platoon did a great job with a textbook smash and grab on a naval gun installation and 2nd Airbourne did equally as well, never even losing a man in battle, only through shopping.
It was in 2001 that Swindevski had come to the forefront as a platoon leader -Air Commodore Boothici retired from active service and Glenwinski had to take over, the troops might not have been as fresh as they used to be but after 20 years in the theatre of cricket what could he expect?
There were some young privates, Brysopovic, Boormantovic, Hincivic, Westovic and Lockwodovic but they sometimes couldn’t get their rifles to fire and their grenade throwing often made the crowd duck! Yes, 2002 had been a bloody and bitter battle, some victories and a few defeats but good ground had been made and so it was the Spring of 2003 that saw the 2nd Airbourne arrive at the French town of Claytone-Weste.
The Frenchmen quickly fired off 198 bullets and the Shouters did drop a few of the bombs, not a great start thought Swindevski. It was cold an windy and a tall order. Glenwinski opened up his gattling gun and let rip “50” off 15 grenades, marvellous, then collapse all around him, all gone for 130 something, a defeat, oh dear, perished in battle, what now???
Swindevski jumped up as he realised his day-dreaming had left him a bit exposed to the viscous tribe from Ellandipus (a settlement in the Black Forest), shells rained in and he couldn’t remember if they had any ammunition for the battle. They would win wouldn’t they?? Or would the rains keep coming and drench the whole battlefield?
He thought about it and then decided to read a bit more of “Tales of Sidnorth the Dragon”, fighting could wait for another day.
Capt. “Shouting Chaos” Swindell.
Captain Chaos Ponders his Literary Career
OK folks, here’s the rub…..I am a very busy man and am finding it difficult to motivate myself to write my column this year. I have thought about why this is and have come to the conclusion that it is because I have no idea how many people read the weekly drivel that appears in my bit on the website.
I would like people to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org - if I get 10 replies I will continue, any less and I think you will agree, it isn’t really worth it, is it??
I am not after any ego massaging or crap like that, I just want to know if I am amusing anyone else other than Ibbo with the contents of my abstract mind.
Saturday was very cold and we lost at Clayton West. It was very poor apart from me hitting 50 in 15 balls. I am very disappointed and am already worrying about us being relegated. I hope this doesn’t happen.
Hope to hear from a person.
Sidnorth the Dragon xx
CAPTAIN CHAOS 2003 BEGINS HERE
Chaos 2003 - week 1 -“Glenn, who on earth is that?”
As Sally drew back the bedroom curtains this Saturday, she was greeted by the sight of a small man with a pillowcase over his head, in wellies, with rubber gloves on, standing by our garden wall, throwing white paint all over himself. I concluded from Sally’s description of the said gentleman that it would be Chimp doing the walls of the cricket ground, indeed it was and yes, the season is soon upon us!
Winter has been kind to the Swindell family this year, we both have new jobs in Leeds which we are enjoying, we have moved in next to my beloved cricket club and I have bought a VW Golf diesel which does 600 miles on one tank -marvellous.
At Christmas I was the lucky recipient of a parcel from the US. My friend, also called Glenn Swindell sent me a rather splendid Elvis jumpsuit in fake black leather with gold trim. I already own a wig and glasses, so now have my own complete outfit - he is in the process of sending me a cape to go with it, what a mate! I duly made the decision to deliver my family’s Christmas presents dressed as the King, which I think was appreciated especially by my grandmas (91 and 81). My dad also loved it -he is where I get my daftness from!
On May 30th this year I am going to see Elvis in concert in Manchester - they project him singing onto a 40 foot screen whilst his original band play “live” on stage, I have seen it before and thought it was swell, I am really looking forward to this. I am going with the Weston brothers and my Elvis loving friend, Brian Mitchell. David and Thomas have said I am not allowed to go dressed as Elvis, mmmmmm………..
I have been putting in some extra winter training this year by playing football for Scholes’ FC 3rd XI. I have had the joy of running around in mud, rain and hail since December, I have even scored two goals, to my utter amazement. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and am trying to get some of the lads to support the cricket team to boost the crowd, I hope they turn up.
Winter nets have been going well at Shelley High - the green backdrop is perfect for not seeing the ball and not boosting your already fragile batting confidence; coupled with Coddy smashing everything I bowl at my head, my thoughts of a fruitful season have had to be conjured from my inner self belief. I have also done a tiny bit of jogging up Hade Edge to prepare for bowling at the bottom end but we shall see if that has paid off in September.
And so to the forthcoming weeks. We have a friendly with Scarborough on the 12th then the Second XI are away at Clayton West on the 19th and home to Elland on the 26th and then home to them again the week after in the Paddock Shield -hooly dooly!!!! We have all the usual suspects back for another season. If you come to see us you can expect to marvel at the majestic sights of Nicky and Daryl Brook batting in a lovely manner, Gayreth Wakefield looking after team morale by hugging everyone, Rob Load whizzing his little away swingers up the hill, whilst sporting a grey bouffant hair do, Paul Hertzberg grafting at No. 3, the flaxen haired Nordic God Melly Booth flailing in the middle order, the returning loved -up Craig Marsh smashing some big 6s, youngsters Bryson, Hinchcliffe, Boorman, Weston, Lockwood, Chadwick and Brook learning more about the twin imposters of success and failure, Hopesy boy behind the sticks, tight trousered Earvin Clarke encouraging the opposition to clench their buttocks, Andrew Pell sporting a ridiculous wig, me trying to hit lots of boundaries and get some wickets and a few others who will no doubt get in on the act at some point.
I am reasonably optimistic that we will win some games this season and will enjoy lots of cakes in far away lands and much merriment and derring do on the field of play. Who knows how it will all go, I would be made up to win something, which reminds me, we won the “Most Sporting Team Award” last season out of all the first and second teams in the repective premierships and conferences, that is a little something to celebrate. If you read this column and are from another club, then you can be sure of one thing, we will treat you well at Chapelgate and expect the same in return.
Well, that is about it……you will notice that this column is reasonably sensible and refers to places, times and events that you may even have been at or remember. In the future, I shall attempt to take you on the epic voyage of band of brave Scholes’ adventurers over the following six months, who knows what mysteries await the avid reader as the contents of my imagination work their way onto this website - unless of course I get writer’s block mmmppffpfm.
Aloha and may the force be with you……always.