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VHS 'Rasslin 2005 a retrospective by Per-Lars vhs rasslin 2005 it all started at the pickle factory, where duncan, the doctor and big willy showed their drive, their dedication and determination, firing pickles off, left and right, up all night. it was then that we knew that the season was gonna turn out alright. the freight train demonstrating his solid defensive skills in the finals, winning 17-16. i owe it all to maddy and todd, and my impenetrable leg defense, he declared while vacuuming the connell commons afterwards. me, to micah, after he lost to place fifth out of seven: micah, you need to defend the legs better. micah, to me: im trying! the pizza party that night, with head/coin games and lotsa pizza and pop and a few updoggs thrown in there as well, that the cheerleaders traded in for pickle jars the next morning. the doctor stealing the show on the ride home. i have a dream, he proclaimed, that all the brothas will reach the promise land. and later, after explaining an unfortunate incident: this is not happening to me right now. wiley introduced the big shocker, his own little shocking device. what many people dont know, however, is that wiley was able to sneak the shocker into his singlet for the whole year, shocking brothas left and right, them giving up their fight, and wiley exclaiming thats tight. b.j. told laughlin to git er done at north mason, where we proceeded to lose to a team that the rockbusters shut out the week earlier. we had some exceptional officiating, and we wrestled great. dom had a spine shattering slam that was heard throughout the peninsula. the doctor, pacing in circles, im bleeding from the face! at about mid-season, we moved up in the team shower rankings to 5th. the guys knew that by the end of the year, through blood sweat and tears, the shower title could be ours. we moved down in the rankings when the freight train, even after showering three times a day, mysteriously got ringworm. e-phil brought the team together, telling the team that this title could be ours, if we really concentrate on our showers- shampoo and condition, and never, ever forget to clean between the toes. stephe dislocated his finger and broke his hand while napping. we lied to everyone, telling them that he had done it reasonably, like, while taking a penetration step in practice. someone cancelled sugar shanes june 2007 doctors appointment. e-phil gets the team off to a good start against sequim, losing by 45 and then pinning the guy. wiley saves the day, wins the last match and the dual and then he free-ran home as a cool-down. the managers continue to amaze the state. how in the world could they keep score and pretend that they are amused by the coaches? micah ordered fifteen side orders on the way home. big willy pins the guy from lakeside with a father nelson, and proclaims: i am the greatest rapper alive! laughlin, down by 57 at sequim, comes back to win. he explains, afterwards, that it was all part of the plan. i just wanted to keep all the fans in the stands, you know? we have a very enjoyable night at the sequim bay lodge, with an excess amount of light, heat, and, most of all, the managers sobriety. the cheerleader dad challenges him to a game of rock, paper, scissors, but he declines. larry ligrano re-rolls a re-roll. on the way back he tries, and succeeds, in spring-rolling an egg-roll. we move up in the state take-your shirt-off-in-public rankings, to number three. dave and larry lead the charge, leading the state in their respective shirt size classifications. alex gateman wins sequim again, becoming vashons first two-time sequim champion. he tells me after that he wouldnt mind winning it again next year. might as well. steamboat becomes the worlds most flexible human, after he touched his left shoulder to his right knee while in the down position. and then, of course, the steamboat always talking about it, chest puffed. stephe air-guitars his way into the finals at the rock. and then, after the close loss, he exclaims i will go to state, and he wont. dom, trying to upstage his brothers horrendous napping injury, hurts his knee while typing. we lie, telling everyone that he hurt it quite reasonably, like, while pretending to trip during a pep assembly. e-phil gets blown out by an orting freshman, but that was part of the plan as well. i want him to think that im really ***ty, he confided to me with a wink, and a smile on his sweaty, bloody face. then, as according to the master plan, e-phil destroys him twice, maliciously breaking both his knees and puncturing his lung. work out-works all the states heavyweights. i will be able to jump-rope circles around my opponents next year, he tells me. and: i can bike so fast on a stationary bike that i have actually gotten places, like the old portage store. eric anderson gets in the league finals, and finally gets to wear his yellow singlet. he tells me, after his match, that he would have gotten in the finals more if he would have known how cool it was to wear the yellow singlets. anderson then calls it a year, cuts his hair, and his younger brother derek turns out for the last week. big willy destroys amberle, and exclaims, again: i am the greatest rapper alive! freight train beats his good buddy from orting in one of the greatest matches in the history of algebra, extending his world-famous winning streak against farrington to one. micah loses matchs at both league and regionals. im going with e-phils plan, he told me with a mysterious and kinda scary grin, i want them to think that im really, really ***ty. i lie to him and tell him that i think that that's a great plan. dom wins league and regionals. he tells me, afterwards: i owe it all to me. i couldnt have done this without myself. i deserve it. oh yeah, you also hafta give some credit to my moms wonderful focaccia. its really good. duncan wins regionals easily. i am half man, half mayshark! he yells to the crowd after his final, while flexing. alex bean dips his arch-rival from lakewood in a great come-from-behind win. i wanted to get down by a few, and then pull the ol reach around on him for the win. his plan worked to perfection. dave dominates his second match at state. the guy was frazzled right off the whistle, most likely because dave was warming up without his shirt on beforehand, kissing his biceps. steamboat demonstrates his incredible flexibility in beating a guy from tenino. he celebrates with a finger to the sky, and yells: i am flexible!i can beat anyone! i can get out of any cage! micah wins his first match, then his second, and then his third. they all, apparently, thought that he was really ***ty. he got knocked out in the semi-finals, but then quickly regained consciousness. i wanna wrestle, i wanna wrestle, he told the trainer, and could i get a side order of canadian bacon? after their coach gave them a speech about not being satisfied with 7th and 8th, they subsequently lost three of their next four. their coach makes a mental note: get better at giving speeches. freight train pins his way through the consolation side. if i knew the losers side would be this easy, he told me, then i woulda been here more often. theres always next year, freight train. duncan has a fireside chat with katzer for 7th and 8th. hello michael katzer, and the american public. i am duncan half man half mayshark, and i plan on winning state next year. we wake up sunday morning, and think about what we are gonna miss next year: stephes bowling-ball-like double leg and incredible guitar-playing on the bus, larrys hard work and unflappable confidence, doctors speeches and front-flips, and e-phils leadership and bloody noses. and finally, most of all, we will all miss this years state showering championship, vashons first state title ever. |
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