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"The Gamblers"
Ray
(860)240-0288
Want to play softball?
Email Ray using link above
West Hartford, Connecticut
06119
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 Media Guide |
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Thursday, June 14
Media Guide
THE 2006 PLAN B GAMBLERS MEDIA GUIDE Going into their sixth full-season in the West Hartford Men's Softball League, the Plan B Gamblers (formerly known as the Wood-N-Tappers and the Half Door Homers) are looking for the next level of success that sometimes rarely, almost always, never, but sometimes can come with new ownership (see Hurricanes circa 2006). Purchased in the off-season by Al Gamble and the Burger Joint Plan B, the team that brought you superstars like Bulldog, New Cleats, The Kid and Steel Breeze is back for more with some new power, new speed and a new bat. One thing that this team has proven over the years is its ability to hold its ground and stick together. You wouldn't ever notice that Twilley batted .250 last year because 6 guys batted .500 or better. You wouldn't notice that VD led 14 leagues around the state in errors at 3B, because Steel Breeze hasn't dropped a ball in center since he was 7 years old. With the grace and agility on the field of a panther hunting its prey, and the plodding relentlessness of "Halloween's" Michael Myers when they attack the coolers after the game, the Gamblers are moving towards their long awaited West Hartford Men's Softball League Championship. Now, with the help of the 1998 movie 'Rounders,' is an up-close look at the 2006 Plan B Gamblers. “If you can’t spot the sucker in the first half-hour at the table, chances are it’s you.” - For the 2006 Plan B Gamblers. This is the opening line of the movie “Rounders,” a movie about handsome men who play poker and get it on with Gretchen Mol and Famke Jansen. It also could have been called “The Jason Leiser Story.” This is our 6th year, boys. We’ve had the tools; we’ve had the talent each year. We’ve been there each year; it’s been in front of us. Yet our Paper Tiger has always gone ablaze at the worst possible moment. Five years, no championships. Are we the real deal this year, finally? Or do we remain a sucker’s get? Let’s answer this question ourselves this year, shall we? 1) “You can’t choose your destiny. Your destiny chooses you.” - For Ray “Sonic” Rossomando Professor Petrovsky’s timeless, albeit hokey maxim suits the follicly challenged gent we know as “Sonic” – our captain, our founder, our leader. Our house, in the middle of our street. La, la…sorry. It is the Sonic Man’s destiny to steer a team to the glory; he has no choice in the matter. He has just one mission, and he will fulfill it. Kind of like Jesus. Or Elmer Fudd. 2) “What’d I ever do to that guy?” “You f---ed his mother.” - For Chris “VD” VanDeHoef This great exchange between Matt Damon’s struggling, resolute Mike McD and Ed Norton’s ne-er-do- well “Worm” perfectly suits our team’s fearless and tactless mouthpiece, now entering his 5th year as starting 3rd baseman. It has been said by some that VD is able to talk, and hit, his way out of any tough situation. Often of his own making. But it’s VD’s brash, scurrilous confidence and refusal to accept defeat that will get him his championship ring this year. Or shivved in a prison lunchroom brawl. Whichever comes first. 3) “This kid has alligator blood.” - For Dave “Bulldog” Brogan John Malcovich plays Teddy KGB with a steel coldness and a laughable Russian accent that sounds like Boris Badinov with a helium balloon. But this observation he makes of our hero, Mike McD, speaks to just one man. Our man. The Bulldog on the hill. Now in his 6th year, The Bulldog is the best softball pitcher you will ever see. He’s taken the mound injured, hungover, drunk (we can only guess this one, but it’s a good bet) and even with vertigo, yet it hasn’t mattered. When he sees three home plates, he just aims for the one in the middle and imagines the cold cooler waiting for him at the game’s conclusion. And it works. The Bulldog allows us the chance to get there, always. Will we take it? 4) “Let’s play some cards!” - For John “The Kid” Rossi Mike’s rally cry to Worm really sets the movie in motion. That is what The Kid - or Lieutenant Kid, or even “Looo-tenant Kid” – does for us. A no-nonsense gamer who gets the job done for his teammates as well as his country, The Kid patrols shortstop and operates near the top of the Gamblers lineup with all the subtlety of crocquet ball to the forehead. Now in his 4th year, but really, he’s been playing since the dawn of time. The eyeblack tells the story: And The Kid shall lead them. That’s from the Book of Exodus, I think. 5) “You can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle. But you can’t win much, either.” - For Neil “His Ayer-ness” Ayers Mike’s philosophical aside goes to the Brawn of Ayers, another original team member now entering his 6th year. Monstrous at the plate and error-proof in left, the real story of His Ayerness is that he keeps coming back. With bum hammies, quads, lats, delts, pecs, specs, and Tex-Mex, he keeps coming back. Inside this body that he’s been giving away to gaps, extra bases, and postgame merriment beats a heart as big as he is. Why does he do it? He wants to win. And you can’t win if you don’t play. Just like you can’t balance the state budget on surplus-funded new expenditures that pays no mind to past deficiencies or givebacks in the out years. Same thing, really. 6) “You know what cheers me up? Rolled up aces over kings. Check-raising stupid tourists and taking huge pots off of them. Playing all-night high-limit Hold'em at the Taj, where the sand turns to gold.” - For Pat “Scull-Dog” Scully Worm’s poetic rumination of all we love about the game of poker goes to our battle-weary warrior, the Scull-Dog, now in his 3rd year of patrolling the middle parts of the infield and setting the table at the top of the lineup. Despite shoulder problems that may sideline him early in the season (another after-effect of his days sparring with “Quick Draw” Rick McGraw in the AWA pro wrestling circuit), the Scull-Dog knows that grey skies are going to clear up. So he’ll put on a happy face. And possibly punch somebody in the larynx. 7) “C’mon. I got comped at the noodle bar.” - For Dan “Speedy” Tapper This is a line Worm gives to Mike at the Taj Mahal Casino. It has absolutely no relevance to the movie. None. So I’m choosing it for myself. What can you expect from the Speedman this year, his 6th year with the squad? Slowness on the bases and surehandedness on the right side of the outfield, we hope. Bursts of power to the alleys come mid-July that will make his teammates smile. Irritating pop-ups and ground-outs that will make this teammates wince. And, of course, a whole year of patented write-ups and even-more patented “duckdowns.” 8) “I feel like Buckner walking back into Shea.” - For Rich “Dome” Twilley Mike’s line about his epic return to Teddy KGB’s club at the climax of the movie goes to The Dome simply as a reminder that Billy Buck should be remembered as a borderline Hall of Famer who had a great career, not as a guy who made one huge screwup. Similarly, the 4th-year Dome should be known for his lethal presence at the plate, his effortless grace in the field that evokes thoughts of Freddy Lynn, and his “Let’s do this, boys!” dedication to his team that makes him the embodiment of all we love about softball. He should not just be known for his glistening pate, is what I mean to say. 9) “Are you satisfied now? Because I could keep busting you up all night.” - For Jay “Steel Breeze” Leiser Mike’s somewhat improbable diss of Teddy KGB following his decimation of the mobster at the poker table goes to the reed-thin wisp of coolness and style we know as The Breeze, our 4th-year left-centerfielder. Breeze can take you apart all night and all day and then again at breakfast the next morning in 1,000 different ways – with the Ichiro-like swing the other way, with the Aaron Rowand-like coverage of the outfield, and the list goes on. He is like the Samurai in that way, preferring 1,000 cuts to one lethal blow. Also, he once killed a maitre-d with a makeshift sword he crudely fashioned out of tinfoil and glitter. But we call him the Breeze. This year, sit back and watch him blow. 10) “You beat Johnny Chan…you son of a ***!” - For Andrew “AC” Clark Joey Knish’s admiring awe of Mike’s story of how he once took a hand from poker legend Johnny Chan goes to the Silent Splinter, Andrew “AC” Clark. AC’s casual, unassuming nature sometimes lulls opponents into thinking he can’t do them much harm. But then AC, now in his 5th year as a 1st-baseman/outfielder extraordinaire, steps to the plate, a study in quiet power. Maybe they didn’t know of him before. But they’ll sure know of him now. And they’ll know Guerner Freidholm, too. Whoever the hell he is. 11) “He beat me. Straight up. Pay him. Pay that man his money.” - For Chuck “Chuck B” Burnham Another member of the quiet brigade of Gamblers, Chuck B. has more than earned his keep as he enters just his 2nd season. Quick-batted with speed to burn, Chuck B can play anywhere on the field and hurt you just as much, and has a Derek Jeter-like penchant for always seeming to be in the middle of a rally. If the Gamblers are on the come, chances are Chuck B is somewhere nearby. The only thing that could slow him down this year is his Grant Hill-like ankle that keeps acting up, but Chuck B will be there. Welcome to the Terrordome. 12) “You’re right, Teddy. The ace didn’t help. Because I flopped the nut straight!” - Dan “OPM Dan” Morley Mike’s line of triumph over a stunned Teddy KBG goes to our sure-handed, quick-batted 2nd-year 1st baseman, OPM Dan. Or Opie. Whichever you prefer. Because Opie can sneak up on you when you least expect it. And he will. Hidden amongst the vocal brashness of the likes of VD, The Kid, The Bulldog, The Dome, and the ever-so-annoying yours truly, Opie has joined with the likes of AC, Chuck B, and The Breeze in taking a more studious but no less powerful approach to the game. He’ll kill you from the left side with men on, and is a magnet at 3rd for those whipsaw throws from VD and The Kid. Are we down with Opie D? Yeah, we down with Opie D. 13) “You were looking for that third three, but you forgot that Professor Green folded on Fourth Street and now you're representing that you have it. The DA made his two pair, but he knows they're no good. Judge Kaplan was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush but he came up short, and Mr. Eisen is futilely hoping that his queens are going to stand up. So like I said, the Dean's bet is $20.” - To Derek “Double D” Donnelly Great scene, when Mike reads the hands of every legal bigshot playing cards against his beloved Professor Petrovsky. And it goes to Double D for this reason; you ever seen this kid play cards? He’s good, he’s aggressive, and he’s scary. He plays the game of softball the same way. Base hits, key at-bats, eyes always on the prize. He sees it. He sees it all. Don’t judge him just because he drives a bright yellow car. We hope to see plenty of Double D this summer despite the fact that he’s studying for the bar, running for public office, and generally trying to keep the world safe from evil-doers. 14) “You play the man. Not the cards.” - Rookies Jamie Muro, Doug Stoltz, Dan Grasso and late '05 call-up Keane Aures joining us this year. Mike’s advice to the awestruck professor should serve as a watchword not only for our thus-far un-nicknamed rooks, but for the entire Gambler squad as well. The freshman class brings a wealth of talent and creativity with it, and will be there for us when it counts. This is the year, folks. Like Secretariat in 1973, the dreaded Red Sox of 2004, Bill Clinton of 1992, and D.B. Cooper of 1972, this is the year for big things to happen. And there we are. Right back where we started. With three stacks of high society. And a dream of a West Hartford Friday Night Men’s League Championship. You like our chances?
"The Gamblers" (to the tune of "The Gambler" - although you had to know that)
On a warm summers evenin', on a ballfield close to nowwhere
You can meet up with "The Gamblers"; if we’re not too drunk to speak.
And you can all take turns a sharin' – some stories ‘bout our ballclub
‘Bout “The Dome,” “Breeze,” and “Sonic,” as we start our winnin’ streak.
You see Bulldog’s made a livin’of keepin’ guy’s off-balance
‘Till they don’t know what to swing at, and they don’t know when to take
And VD’s got a live bat, and whole gloveful of talents,
And he speaks about as smoothly as a drunk guy at a wake.
We got a guy we call Big Daddy; some call him “His Ayerness,”
With a bit of a bum hammy, but a powerful bat he wields.
And a throwback called “The Kid,” who to tell it in all fairness,
Plays the game like it is meant to be, when he takes the field.
You got The Dome and the Bulldog,
AC and the Scull-Dog,
Speedy with his “duckaway,”
The Breeze with his gun.
You never count out Big Daddy,
The Kid, VD, or Opie,
Sonic keeps us movin’,
and Chuck B scores a winnin' run.
Now ev'ry Gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is keepin’ Bulldog happy, with an iced-up cooler by the tree.
‘Cause every man’s a drinker…hell every man’s a boozer,
And the best that you could hope for is to not wake up with VD.
Softball season is here now, and Tapper with some new cleats
We'll be sweatin with the oldies, and Morely's latest hittin' spree
And before we finish speakin’, ‘bout the team called The Gamblers,
Here's to Kean, Stoltz, and Muro, and sever'l law degrees.
‘Cause lurking through the darkness, our rookies will deliver
A championship this summer, and a win for Double D.
You got The Dome and the Bulldog,
AC and the Scull-Dog,
Speedy with his “duckaway,”
The Breeze with his gun.
You never count out Big Daddy,
The Kid, VD, or Opie,
Sonic keeps us movin’,
and Chuck B scores a winnin' run.
ARCHIVE The 2005 Woodmen Media Guide As Uncle Ben Parker taught us so forcefully, with great power comes great responsibility. You men, one and all, are Woodmen Softball Players. This means your life, as it was before being a Woodman, has irrevocably been changed. The spotlight is on you. Women will ask you to sign body parts and certain other “items.” Children will grow up wanting to be more like you (with the exception of VanDeHoef, in which case most 6-year-olds are already there). People will want to be seen with you. Restaurants will assign you special tables – or even, in Brogan’s case, special sections. Senior citizens will keep track of your statistics. Teenage girls will camp out in your driveway (again, in VD’s case, this really doesn’t change anything). You are Woodmen. Your life is special. And then there is the media. From the local print pack that follows the team daily, the networks who occasionally do a “Rising Star” (like Burnham or Morely) or “Back From Despair” profiles (Rossi and, triumphantly, Twilley) to the Fanzines, the website, the blogs, and the tabloids that will print all kinds of untrue crap about you (except in the case of that story about Leiser involving the two penguins, the soap dish, and the Malaysian mercenary – that was no better than a half-truth). So in short, the media spotlight cast upon the average Woodmen is unlike that cast upon most recreational after-work softball players. But this is the life of the Woodmen. You all must deal with it. So, as a way to deal peaceably and without panic to the constant barrage of media, we offer once again a resource to help keep the Horde off your backs. Thus, I present to you the “2005 Woodmen’s Media Guide,” done with the help of carefully selected samplings of dialogue from the 1994 classic “Pulp Fiction,” tailored specifically to each roster member. 1) “Hello, I’m Winston Wolf. I solve problems.” (Harvey Keitel’s “The Wolf” character to the bloodspattered duo of Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson)) This calm and confident line begins our media guide as a tribute to our co-founder, captain, guiding force and avatar – Ray “Sonic” Rossomando. Incapable of being rattled and unmistakable in his leadership skills - a pleasing combination of General Patton, Charles DeGaulle, and Gregg Marmalarde – The Sonic One is a 5-year Woodmen veteran who gets it done off and on the field. A rock and 2nd base, a swift bat to the opposite side, and a steady GM presence in the era of free agency and “too much else going on,” Ray is the man. 2) “I’m a mushroom cloud-laying motherf---er, motherf---er! I’m Superfly TNT and the Guns of Navarone!” (Jules cocksure rant to Vincent during “The Bonnie Situation” aftermath) Only one man fits this quote – The Bulldog On The Hill. Dave “Bulldog” Brogan, original Woodmen, 5-year veteran, and the best softball pitcher you will ever see, takes to the hill with a cold-steel gaze that puts the fear of God into lesser men. The Bulldog is The Man; don’t ever forget that. And he drives a huge truck to make up for his slightly below average genitalia, so there’s that too. 3) “You feel that sting, big boy?! That’s pride!” (Bruce Willis’ Butch Coolidge pummeling Ving Rhames’ Marcellus Wallace) He has many incarnations. His is His Ayerness, The Brawn of Ayers, and Ayer-Mail. He is Neil “Ayer-Neil” Ayers, the lethal righthander who has been scaring the hell out of opponents with his Manny Ramirez-like swing for all 5 of his years in the league. And when his hamstrings aren’t popping like caterpillars in a microwave, the man can chase down a flyball in left like no one’s business. Fear His Ayer-ness. Fear him. 4) “Bring out the gimp.” (No one needs this explained, do they?) Goes to the final 5-year veteran in the mix: Your humble auteur, your occasionally healthy outfielder, and your occasionally reliable bat – yours truly, Dan “Speedy” Tapper. If he can get through a season without pulling up lamer than Tyrone Wheatley in the first year of a multi-year deal, he’ll be able to help. If not, it could be dogtrack time for the man who puts the “suck” in “success.” 5) Pumpkin – “Which wallet is yours?” Jules – “The one that says Bad Motherf---er.” A self-explanatory bit that goes to Andrew “AC” Clark, a 4.5-year veteran with a set of skills so vast that some just have to remark, a la Orlando Woolridge on Larry Bird, “The boy bad. That’s all there is. The boy bad.” A Ted Williams-like frame with a game to match, AC’s mistakes – and outs – are few and far between. An essential ingredient to a championship team. He’s playing this year, right? 6) “I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD D-MN THING!” (Jules to the terrified drug-dealing thief shortly before killing all his friends) Goes to 4-year veteran Chris “VD” VanDeHoef, the man who – as has been said many times before – has the ability to talk, and hit, his way out of any situation. The rock at 3rd base and a stalwart high in the order, you will love VD for every big play he gives you. Until he starts talking. But still, you’ll love VD. And once you’ve got VD, you’ve always got VD. 7) “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” (Jules, just before killing the frightened drug-dealing thieves) Maybe it’s the bald head. Maybe it’s the Ben Hogan glare. Maybe it’s the straight-razor strapped to his ankle. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s technically a “lawyer.” Or maybe it’s simply his beautiful, haunting baritone. But for whatever reason, Rich “Dome” Twilley is about as intimidating a presence as this league has. Many a man has quivered and quaked at the idea of this 3-year veteran standing in the box against him – almost as many as have quivered and quaked at the idea of being “represented” by this “lawyer.” Good to have The Dome on our side. 8) “Already, everybody be cool – this is a robbery!” (Tim Roth’s Pumpkin, announcing his plans to the diner) Goes to the 3-year-veteran who brings so much to the table, his teammates feel like their stealing from someone – Jay “Steele Breeze” Leiser. A lefty who goes the opposite way, a centerfielder who jumps on gappers like Michael Jackson at a Bar Mitzvah, and a man who just finds a way to make things happen and be in the center of things. Yes they call him the Breeze. Oh, and he too is a “lawyer,” so if you’re looking for someone good to get you out of that “across state lines” charge…well, I’m sure Jay and Dome can recommend someone. 9) “Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God.” (Jules, explaining his awakening to Vincent after every bullet missed them.) Goes, without much need for explanation, to John “The Kid” Rossi. The Kid is touched by greatness. And an occasional case of gonorrhea. But if anyone’s skills have felt the touch of God, it’s this do-it-all 3-year-veteran. A gamer, a lifer, a man. But always The Kid. 10) “That was my father’s watch, Fabiana. Do have any idea what my father went through to get me that watch? (pauses) I can’t get into it right now, but it was a lot, OK?” (Butch to Fabiana, upon learning she forgot to pack his father’s Gold watch) Goes to a 2-year-veteran who contributes all five tools, all the time – Pat “Scull-Dog” Scully. Do you know how hard it is to be this kind of player? Do you know how hard it is to play at this level for this long? Do you know how hard it is to deal with the Capitol Press Corps? Do you know how hard it is to serve 24 State Senators? We can’t get into it right now, but let’s just say it’s hard, OK? But not for the Scull-Dog. 11) “It’s 30 minutes away – I’ll be there in 10.” – Winston “The Wolf” Wolf This quote goes to part one of our exciting new rookie combo – Chuck “Chuck B” Burnham. A fleet, wiry ballplayer (as anyone who has seen him dominate in hoops can attest) who can get it done in the field or at the plate, Chuck B will do for this year’s Woodmen squad what Steel Breeze did for us 3 years ago. Which just might include taking the outfield job of yours truly (which Breeze did, you may recall. The bastard). Chuck B. also becomes the first employee of a Republican caucus to integrate into our team, making him kind of our Jackie Robinson. Or Jackie Chan. Whichever. 12) “Royale With Cheese! Ha ha ha!” (A delighted Jules upon learning the French version of a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder, in perhaps the movie’s most famous line.) Goes to the other half of that rookie star duo – Dan “OPM Dan” Morely. A swift lefty bat who appears at home playing anywhere in the field, OPM Dan will restore that southpaw power presence we lost with the departure of former Woodmen original Dave “Scooby” Gadue. An essential ingredient to a winning team. OPM Dan also becomes the first employee of the current Administration to integrate into our team, making him kind of our Larry Doby. Or Larry Dallas. Whichever. 13) “Butch, would you give me oral pleasure?” (Fabiana to Butch) OK, OK, this is apropos of absolutely nothing (although I think I saw Brogan getting excited). But this “request” for a certain “service” is our indirect way of saying how much we would appreciate it if two heretofore part-time Woodmen – “Irish Gold Dust Twins” Brendon Moran and Derek Donnelly (pending better nicknames) – would consider making themselves full-timers. They have the ability and are gamers all the way. Care to join us full time, boys? Care to look further down the rabbit hole, Neo? And finally, on one solemn note, we offer this non-quote for a fallen friend: 14) (In the movie’s sweetest scene, Vincent Vega blows a kiss toward Mia Wallace (Uma Thurmond) following their crazy, near lethal night on the town.) Whether he was “Special K,” “So Good,” or “Marvin The Lyon,” Marvin P. Lyon Jr. was and always will be our beloved teammate. Farewell, brother. We miss you. RULES A quick reading of the rules of the game: Pitching: 6 - 12 foot arc, 50 feet rubber to plate. Batting: Foul on third strike is an out. Substitutions and Lineup: 10 fielders to start plus one extra player (EP) is allowed in the batting order. Starters can be substituted for and then return once, so long as they remain in the same batting position. The game can start with 9 players. The absent position would be placed last in the line-up and record an out when that position comes up in the order.
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