Respecting Officials

We Honor the Game by respecting officials simply because it’s the right thing to do. 

Officials work hard to learn the rules of a sport and administer them fairly during competition. Always show respect for officials, even at times when you disagree with a particular call. Without the officials you wouldn’t have games to play in. Take time to shake their hand and thank them for the job they do. 

Ask your coach if your teammates can take turns playing the role of the official during practice. This will help you all better understand how it feels to be in the official’s shoes.

Respecting Officials

We Honor the Game by respecting officials simply because it’s the right thing to do. Double-Goal Coaches® show respect by their tone and body language even when they disagree with an official’s call. Double-Goal Coaches do not yell or publicly disagree with officials, especially if there is any danger of parents or fans getting out of control. We never want to add fuel to the fire. 

One way to approach officials with respect is to wait until a break in the action and then to ask, “What did you see on that play?” This may give the official a chance to further explain the situation without feeling defensive or threatened. 

We need officials to be able to play games. Double-Goal Coaches model respect by shaking hands with the officials and thanking them before and after games. Showing respect will even help the officials to do their job better.

Respecting Officials

We Honor the Game by respecting officials simply because it’s the right thing to do.

The officials make it possible for our children to have games that are played fairly and safely. For this alone, they deserve our gratitude and respect. 

Many officials stop officiating because of the abuse heaped on them by parents and other fans. Parents should not publicly criticize officials. Instead, let them know when they are doing a good job. After the game, make sure your child shakes the officials’ hand and thanks them for doing their job.

Playing on a team coached by your parent can be both a wonderful and difficult thing. Having a conversation with your parents before they sign up for this role can go long way to setting the table for a great season.

During this discussion, be sure to explain why you want them to coach the team and how you will play for them. Players who expect advantages (like playing favored positions) that haven’t been “earned” by effort or talent poison the well with other parents and players.

Having your parent as the coach is a great opportunity to be a leader on the team and set a fine example.  However, many coaches are harder on their own children than they are on other players. Be open and honest with your parent (coach) whenever you have these feelings. Maybe agree on a sign, such as patting the top of your head, to let your “coach” know when you feel like this is happening.

If you coach your child’s team, you must recognize that you wear two hats. One hat is for your role as parent, and the other is the coach’s hat.

Explain your two hats to your child before the season and tell him that you will need to treat him just like everyone else on the team when you are wearing your coach’s hat. Assure him that when you put your parent hat back on, he is the most important person in your life (along with your other family members).

You may find it useful to ask an assistant coach for an objective evaluation of whether you’re treating your own child fairly compared to the other players on the team. Also, consider having an assistant be the position coach for the position your child plays while you work with other kids on the team to minimize potential conflict and the appearance of favoritism.

Let’s say your child has just had an opportunity to make the winning play in a game and blew it.

If you competed in this sport growing up (and perhaps even if you didn’t), you may have suggestions for how your child could have made the play. Suggestions from parents are often not well received by their children.

Athletes get so much coaching already – from coaches, from teammates, and from the game itself. When parents add to this flood of feedback, it often overwhelms the child, like the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. Rather than obsessing about the skills and strategy of the game, engage your children around the life lessons from their experience.

This is your role as a Second-Goal Parent!

Even the best athletes are “in the zone” only a small percentage of the time, so they must create a backup plan to still be effective in competitions.

First, identify your strongest abilities... this is your Plan A. In basketball, maybe you're a really good shooter. Imagine a game in which the opponent is playing great defense or your shot is a little off.

What would be your backup plan to still be competitive? The answer is your Plan B. Maybe you drive to the basket or look to pass to teammates.

If for some reason your Plan B is ineffective, you’ll need a backup to your backup plan... this is your Plan C. Perhaps you'll need to concentrate on defense and rebounding. Rather than continuing to do the same thing expecting different results, have a Plan A, B, and C when you compete so you're prepared for various situations.

It’s hard to know if your team is improving if you don’t set goals and keep track of them.

Most coaches set Outcome Goals, which are highly dependent on the quality of one’s opponent and tend to reflect the Scoreboard. On the other hand, Effort Goals are largely under one’s control regardless of the competition and tend to reflect Mastery.

When you see players trying hard and failing to make a play, you can reinforce them by commenting on how hard they were trying. Of course we want results, but people tend to get reinforced only for good results. We don’t want kids to give up when the result isn’t good, so we need to reinforce even unsuccessful effort.

If your players are only rewarded for successful outcomes, and they aren't sure they can come up with a successful outcome, they will tend to be discouraged.

Perhaps the biggest fear athletes have is making a mistake in a crucial situation that hurts their team. Standing by your children in this embarrassing situation is the most effective way of demonstrating that your love and support for them is unconditional.

It may be easy to say you love your children unconditionally – this is a chance to show it.

Here’s what you can do: show them that the mistake is no big deal in the grand scheme of things by flashing a thumbs up, smiling, and saying, “That’s okay, don’t let it stop you.

You’ll get the next one.” Use a Mistake Ritual if you or the coach has introduced one.

Transformational Self-Talk

Self-talk is that little voice inside your head - the one that may have just said, “What little voice in my head?”  Unfortunately, most of the messages we hear from that little voice are critical or negative. Sometimes athletes hear that voice say, “I can’t do it,” when in reality, they probably can.

Try to state the negative self-talk as a feeling: “I feel like I can’t do this,” and then enlist the “Power of a Big BUT”! When the word “but” is used in a sentence, it devalues whatever comes before it. Usually we say the positive first and then devalue it with "but." BUT, we can turn that around by using “but” to devalue the negative self-talk.

Try to end with an “I'm-the-kind-of-person-who” statement. “I feel like I can’t do this, but I’m the kind of person who doesn't give up easily.” Whenever athletes catch themselves using negative self-talk, they can use this tool to transform it.

Futility of Punishment

Punishment eats away at motivation. When kids are punished or yelled at, their emotional energy is used up by being angry, feeling sorry for themselves, or thinking up reasons why the coach is wrong. Punishment may stop bad behaviors, but rarely leads to good new ones.

It takes positive reinforcement and recognition to get children to try something new, such as fielding bad hops without turning their head or shooting a lay-up with their off hand even if they miss the shot at first.

Dolphin trainers rely exclusively on positive reinforcement. Punishment doesn’t work with dolphins as they withdraw and refuse to perform. Kids are like dolphins: positive works better.

Open-Ended Questions 

When talking with your children about a recent game, use open-ended questions to get them to talk while you stay in listening mode. 

“What was the best part of the game today?”
“What was the hardest part of the game for you?”
“What lessons can be learned from a tough loss?” 

Without downplaying your child’s disappointment, lend perspective and fill their Emotional Tanks by pointing out things that did go well in the game. 

“You were really in the zone for most of the game today. Your hard work at practice is really paying off.” 

“Both teams competed so hard. I hope you can feel good about your effort.” 

Then come back to the Big Picture. 

“I can imagine it is disappointing to have lost today’s game, but I know you’re the kind of person who doesn’t let a setback keep you down. That kind of resilience will help you rebound from any obstacle life throws your way.”

Triple-Impact Competitors™ strive to Honor the Game no matter what their opponents do or what happens during a game. But, no matter how much you intend to Honor the Game, there will be moments during a competition when you feel yourself losing your temper. Having a specific routine that you have rehearsed in advance can help you keep your cool.

Your routine could include:

• Counting to ten in your head

• Walking away from a confrontation

• Focusing on what you must do next in the game

• Taking deep breaths

• Asking for a sub so you can calm down

• Checking in with a teammate whom you trust to help you stay calm

Practice your routine while you’re watching sports on TV, at practice, or at other times when you feel that you might let your emotions control your behavior. As in many other aspects of sports, practice makes perfect!

Double-Goal Coaches® help develop their athlete’s character by modeling behavior that Honors the Game. No matter how much you intend to Honor the Game, there will be moments as a coach when you feel yourself losing your temper. Having a specific routine that you have rehearsed in advance can help you keep your cool.

Your routine could include:

• Counting to ten in your head

• Moving further away from the field

• Taking deep breaths

• Drinking from your water bottle

• Checking in with an assistant coach whom you trust to help you stay calm

Practice your routine while you’re watching sports on TV, during rush hour traffic, or at other times when you feel that you might let your emotions control your behavior. As in many other aspects of sports, practice makes perfect!

Second-Goal Parents™ help develop their children’s character by modeling behavior that Honors the Game. No matter how much you intend to Honor the Game, there will be moments during competition when you feel yourself losing your temper. Having a specific routine that you have rehearsed in advance can help you keep your cool.

Your routine could include:

• Counting to ten in your head

• Moving further away from the field

• Taking deep breaths

• Drinking from your water bottle

• Checking in with another parent whom you trust to help you stay calm

Practice your routine while you’re watching sports on TV, during rush hour traffic, or at other times when you feel that you might let your emotions control your behavior. As in many other aspects of sports, practice makes perfect!

The Buddy System

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you played on a team of players who filled each other’s Emotional Tanks? This is very achievable if you become a regular user of the Buddy System at practice.

At the beginning of practice, mentally select one player as your partner for the day. Your job is to fill his/her ETank during practice. Look for things your partner is doing well and acknowledge him/her for it.

Remember to say things that are specific AND truthful or it won’t mean anything. For example, if your teammate makes a nice pass, you might say, “Good pass! Nice job entering the ball into the low post.”

The Buddy System

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you had a team of players who filled each other’s Emotional Tanks? This is very achievable if you become a regular user of the Buddy System at practice.

At the beginning of practice, tell your players to pair up with a partner. Their job is to fill the E-Tank of their partner or buddy during practice. They should look for things their partner is doing well and acknowledge them for it.

Remind them to say things that are specific AND truthful or it won’t mean anything. For example, if their partner makes a nice pass, they might say, “Good pass! Nice job entering the ball into the low post.”

Toward the end of practice, ask them to share how they got their E-Tanks filled by their teammate.

The Buddy System

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your child played on a team of players who filled each other’s Emotional Tanks? This is very achievable if you regularly model the Buddy System at games.

Each game make a point of filling the E-Tanks of all the players on the team, not just your child. Look for things each player is doing well and acknowledge them.

Remember to say things that are truthful and specific – or it won’t mean anything to the players. For example, “Great effort Sam! You really hustled after that loose ball.” The more you model this for your child, the greater chance he or she will copy you!

The Magic Ratio 

People, specifically your teammates (and your coaches), perform better when their emotional tanks are full.

Research shows about five Emotional Tank-fillers for every criticism is optimal for motivation. Keep mental track of tank-fillers and criticisms you deliver during a practice.

Criticisms, corrections, ignoring and nonverbal actions (shaking your head, frowning, rolling your eyes) are things that tend to drain tanks.

The Magic Ratio 

Research shows about five Emotional Tank-fillers per criticism is optimal for motivation. Keep track of tank fillers and criticisms during a practice with pluses and minuses on a piece of paper (or your hand!).

You will be amazed at how many criticisms you hand out. Once you get to 5:1 (truthful and specific praises), you’ll see why it’s called the Magic Ratio. Your athletes will be so pumped they’ll do things you would have thought were impossible.

Remember, the kinds of things that fill tanks are praise (truthful and specific), reinforcing positives, listening and nonverbal actions (nodding, clapping, smiling). Criticisms, corrections, ignoring and nonverbal actions (frowns) are things that tend to drain tanks.

The Magic Ratio 

Research shows that about five Emotional Tank-fillers per criticism is optimal for motivation. Keep track of the tank-fillers and criticisms you deliver to your child over the course of a day with pluses and minuses on a piece of paper.

You will be amazed at how many criticisms you hand out. Once you get to 5:1 (truthful and specific praises), you’ll see why it’s called the Magic Ratio. Your child’s emotional tank will be so full they’ll do things you would have thought were impossible!

Remember, the kinds of things that fill tanks are praise (truthful and specific), reinforcing positives, listening and nonverbal actions (nodding, clapping, smiling). Criticisms, corrections, ignoring and nonverbal actions (frowns) are things that tend to drain tanks.

Top athletes practice the way they want to perform. They often make practice harder than competition, so when the time comes to perform, they are ready. It is very important for the student-athlete to make a successful physical, mental and emotional transition from "student" to "athlete" prior to practice. Developing a pre-practice PREP routine will help prepare you for "peak practice".

• Physical Transition—What do you need to do to be physically ready for practice?

Suggestions include: eating a light snack, drinking water or a sports drink, getting treatment at the training room, having a routine for changing clothes.

• Emotional Transition—What do you need to do to be emotionally prepared?

How can you create the feelings you need for "peak practice"?

Suggestions include: listening to music on the way to practice (to either relax, calm down or to pump up), creating five minutes of quiet time to visualize having a peak practice, talking and laughing with someone, smiling!

• Mental Transition—What do you need to do to be mentally prepared?

Honoring the Game of Life

Sports and life are interconnected in a complex way. Unfortunately, there is an escalation of rule breaking in sport and in life when someone "bends" the rules and gets away with it. Yet, our society depends on most people playing by the rules--whether or not the "officials" are paying attention--whether or not they are likely to be caught.

Teach your players to Honor the Game, no matter what, as this can help create and maintain the kind of society we want to live in. Teach your players to Honor the Game of life by modeling the behaviors you want to see on and off the field. It’s a small but important step toward the creation of a better society for all of us.

Adapted from The Double-Goal Coach by Jim Thompson

https://www.positivecoach.org/store

Honoring the Game of Life 

Sports and life are interconnected in a complex way. Unfortunately, there is an escalation of rule breaking in sport and in life when someone "bends" the rules and gets away with it. Yet, our society depends on most people playing by the rules--whether or not the "officials" or “parents” are paying attention-- whether or not they are likely to be caught. 

Teach your children to Honor the Game, no matter what, as this can help create and maintain the kind of society we want to live in. Teach your children to Honor the Game of life by modeling the behaviors you want to see on and off the field. It’s a small but important step toward the creation of a better society for all of us.

1. "I can do this!"

2. "I can learn to do this!"

Coaches who reinforce these phrases give their athletes a great gift - the belief that they are strong enough and smart enough to handle whatever life throws at them.

You're the kind of person who...

When I Become the Coach

What if you know more about the game than your
child’s coach? Even some of the best coaches –
professional and college coaches who have kids in
youth sports – resist the temptation to give advice
to their child’s coach. If these elite coaches who
know so much about their game refrain from giving
advice to their child’s coach, so can we!

If you do have some really wonderful tactical
advice for your child’s coach, write it down and put
it in a folder labeled “When I Become the Coach.”

to purchase The Double-Goal Coach and other books by Jim Thompson, please visit:  

https://secure.positivecoach.org/store/Default.aspx?SecID=98

Reinforcing What You Want  

There is a common misconception about the
nature of attention. Attention is reinforcing to
many kids, whether it is favorable or unfavorable.

Too often we ignore players who do what we ask
them to do and lavish attention, albeit negative,
on the ones who are not doing what we ask. I
don’t like to be yelled at, so I assume the player
doesn’t like it either and it will cause him to
change. Often the exact opposite is the case,
especially for kids who don’t think that they have
the ability to get an adult's attention with good
behavior.  

So, as a coach, you must reinforce what you want
to see from your players, and ignore the behavior
that you don’t want.  

to purchase The Double-Goal Coach and other books by Jim Thompson, please visit:  

 https://secure.positivecoach.org/store/Default.aspx?SecID=98

There is a technique from filmmaking that can
help parents remember our role as Second-Goal
parents. It's called "panning back," which is the
opposite of zooming in for a close-up.

The close-up is how our children perform on the
playing field. The big picture is what they learn
from participating in the youth sports experience
that will help them in the rest of their lives.

We see our children failing to make plays and we
are upset, but then we pan back and see the big
picture: this is an opportunity to develop mental
toughness and learn how to bounce back.

Winner's Circle

Just as it's important to start every game with
a conversation, it's equally important to have a
postgame conversation.

"Winner's Circle" is a more high-energy way
to bring closure to a game. Players stand in a
circle, often linking arms. The floor is open to
anyone who wants to offer appreciation and
recognition to another team member. After
each person speaks, the entire circle moves to
give that player a high-five. At the end you can
recognize players who contributed who
haven't been recognized.

Even in a losing effort, your players did many
positive things that deserve recognition!