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 Typical Sball People |
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A Softball Player's Prayer
Lord, give me the strength to hit the ball
And if I do don't let me fall
Help me to pick the pitch that's right
Then let me knock it out of sight.
Then let me run with deer-like grace
Don't let me miss but tag first base
Then on to second, stay with me, Lord,
Cause this one out, we can't afford.
Then let me zoom like a flying bird
Right down the line and on to third
Then let me slide with feet out-thrust
Across home plate in the swishing dust
BUT FIRST OF ALL, DEAR LORD, I PRAY
JUST TELL THE COACH TO LET ME PLAY!
The Typical Softball Coach
Don't try to call the Typical Softball Coach's house between 7-11 PM because he is already on the phone and has someone else on call-waiting. You'll get a busy signal. Softball is the only subject that a man will talk to another for 2 1/2 hours on the telephone. The coach spends about $32.50 per month on long distance calls related to team business. If the phone rings one time: hang-up! It means that the coach is: A) At practice B) At a game C) At a league meeting D) At the sporting goods store.
The Typical Softball Coach lets their spouse do all the shopping. This is not because they are lazy, it is because they can't! You see, the coaches car is the mobile team equipment vehicle. Bats, balls, pitching machine etc. in the trunk. Spare uniforms, first-aid kit, score books etc. in the back seat. They may get the groceries, but only if he/she has a roof rack!
The Typical Softball Coach always is full of great expectations for his team. Even when the team record is 3-23. He also usually has that innate ability to find those four examples of how the team performed admirably during a 17-2 shellacking! Next years team always has a shot at Nationals. Sadly, but thankfully, he believes the aforementioned.
The Typical Softball Coach never says: We're gonna stink next year. We are 3-23 and we're lucky we're not 0-26! If we didn’t get to play so-and-so when half their team went to the wrong field, and if we didn't get that early season forfeit, we'd be 1-25. He never says we got beat 17-2 because we stink, and our best player couldn't sit on their bench. You'll never hear the Typical Softball Coach say: "Next year I think we have a shot at going 10-40! Sadly, but thankfully, the Typical Softball Coach has an overactive sub-conscious that eliminates all fear of having the worst team in the league.
The Typical Softball Coach shows up at the field 2 1/2 hours before game time, because it rained earlier and wants to make sure the field is playable. Of course he told his secretary that he was going to visit a prospective account. On average the Typical Coach probably gives 20-40 hours per week nine months out of the year to his team. And to think he has the nerve to play his daughter in front of mine, when my daughter is better than his.
The Typical Softball Coach is: A) Harder on his daughter than any other player. B) Softer on his daughter than any other player. (It's 50-50) The Typical Daughter of a Softball Coach is: A) Fortunate to spend so much quality time with her dad. B) Likely to shoot him before her player eligibility runs out. :)
The Typical Softball Coach usually is the first to arrive and last to leave. This includes practices, games, tournaments, team functions and probably wedding receptions.
The Typical Softball Coach passes all his experience(s) from playing baseball to all the girls on his team. This mean that A) Your daughter is being coached by a guy that hit .182 in Little League and never played anywhere but right field, or B) those fortunate enough to truly have exceptional coaching built on years of successful diamond sports experience. Note: Ask to see team record! :)
In all seriousness: The Typical Softball Coach is not rated as much on his personal success as a softball player, but more on his acquired knowledge of the game, his communication skills and management ability etc. (His ability to get the most out of every player and the team!)
The Typical Softball Coach will: A) Teach your daughter many lessons far surpassing the game of softball and truly have an impact on her growth and future. B) Be a living example of what kind of man is not marriage material. :)
Parents opinions of the Typical Softball Coach are: A) What a great guy, and good coach. B) What a great guy, but he doesn’t know diddly. C) Maybe if I pretend that I like him, he/she will let my 260 lb. daughter play SS. D) He stinks!
The Typical Softball Coach is a stickler for time: you must be at the field one hour prior to game time. Be back here in one hour and 37 minutes. We will meet at our normal place and caravan to the tournament, if you are not there by 6:15 AM, we will leave without you. EXCEPTION: The Typical Softball Coach frequently says, "Post-game meeting behind the dug-out for five minutes. If your team won that means a 10 minute meeting, if you lost that means 10 minutes plus 1 minute for each run the other team scored more than you did. Add 5 minutes if your next game is out of town. Add 2 minutes for time to tell girls to listen. Add 2 minutes for scorekeeper to find schedule for next game. Well, let's make this easy ... all five minute meetings last 30 minutes, except late games when the meeting lasts until the parks crew shuts off the lights.
At the end of the season, the Typical Softball Coach gets a plaque and modest gift for his 100's of hours of effort. He probably doesn’t get a Christmas or Birthday card. No letter of thanks. But rest assured, he will get a call from a disgruntled parent or two ... and it's part of the job. The best of the best coaches, eliminate this by getting kids playing time when they can, by keeping the player and parents informed of the girls status in advance, and by only keeping kids that are good enough to make his team!
When it's finally over, and this years team has played its last game, the Typical Softball Coach usually gives one final speech. And more often than not, as he scans his charges assembled as a team for the last time, his voice may crack, his eyes water up and you will finally know just how much the girls on the team meant to him.
The Typical Softball Coach is usually ... just a Dad, once in a while a Mom and that rarest of softball birds ... a non-parent.
Three Cheers to all you coaches out there ... good and bad!
While it can be very gratifying, The Typical Softball Coach has one of the most thankless jobs in the world!
The Typical Softball Parent
A parent that stands behind their daughter's interest in fast pitch softball 110%, making numerous sacrifices of time and money so that their daughter can reach her full potential and enjoyment of the game.
It is the parent that drives their daughter 45 minutes across town because the five programs closer to home don't meet her needs or criteria. It is the parent that tells white lies at work so that they can take her to practice on time. The typical softball parent buys their daughter a new bat or glove, when the family car needs work and they can't afford to get it done. It is the family eating out of a cooler on road trips because the family budget really shouldn't allow for the out-of-town trip anyway. It is the parent that is always at her game, regardless of what time or how far from home.
The typical softball parent is probably putting their daughter’s softball career above the family finances, church and work.
The next time you see a parent upset about their daughters playing time etc. ... pause for a second before passing judgement ... they have probably made many severe sacrifices for their daughter to get to where she is. If you were in their shoes ... you would probably be upset too!
The typical softball parent is above all a parent! If you want to see some rotten kids ... go to your neighborhood mall and check out the kids that hang around day after day. If you really want to find out what an attitude problem is, recruit one of those kids to play on your team. The typical softball parent is raising a girl that one day will become a successful citizen. The kid hanging out at the mall, his parents don't even know what his/her interests are and don't really care.
Yes, softball parents want the best for their girls. Sometimes we may over-react, misjudge our kids abilities, beg the coach too hard for playing time, yell at umps too loud or often and we get lost sometimes keeping softball in the proper perspective. But we love our kids.
Over the past few years, I have looked closely at many of my daughter’s teammates and opponents. I have admired their spirit, work ethic and determination. I have looked fondly at genuinely pretty young ladies covered generously with mud and dirt, sweat rolling off their brow, 105 degrees outside, four games played that day and one to go, and I have developed a new-found respect for the female gender. These girls come to play ... and they play because they want to!
With the current state of the youth in America, escalating violence and drug abuse, and it is in or coming soon to a high school near you ... I think being called a TYPICAL SOFTBALL PARENT is a sincere and high compliment!
Then I became a softball Dad...
I used to have a regular life. (Actually, many of my friends say that sentence should say, "I used to have a life", period.) It doesn't really seem that long ago. Then I became a Softball Dad.
My lawn used to be like a carpet. It was green, mowed, trimmed, fertilized, and watered. Any weeds that dared to show their leaves were pulled out by their roots. Now I have two big bare spots forty feet apart. I like the bare spots. I like them because they are the only places that the weeds and crab grass aren't threatening to take over.
My car used to draw admiring looks and comments. It was clean and waxed and shined and Armor All'd. Now it only draws attention when it wins the "dirtiest car in the parking lot" prize.
My friends and I used to spend Monday mornings talking the black bass that got away. Now I bore them to death with detailed play-by-play descriptions of five or six low-scoring ball games. Somehow, they just don't understand the drama of a 1-0 game.
I used to think anything over $40 was an exorbitant price for a ball bat. Now the contents of my daughter's equipment bag are worth more than everything else in the car together-including clothes, jewelry, watches, and laptop computer.
I used to have a great wife. Still do, Thank God. But that's a tribute to her patience and good humor.
We used to sit and talk for hours. We still do-to keep the driver awake when we're headed home in the wee hours of Sunday evening.
We used to wonder what the kids would do when they grew up. Now she wants to know what I'm going to do IF I ever grow up.
My summer casual wardrobe used to be made up of color-coordinated polo shirts, cool cottons in bright colors, and the occasional "aloha" shirt. Now I have a closet full of T-shirts blue and red. Those that don't have Missouri Pride on the front have a cute saying on the back, like "If You Follow Me Long Enough, You'll End Up at a Ball Field."
I used to glue myself to the sofa and watch the NCAA basketball tournament and the Bassmasters Classic from opening ceremony through the weigh-in. Now, I catch the highlights on Sports Center.
I used to be one of the tops in my field. I still am. (You have to keep a good paycheck coming in if you want to support a Travel ball habit!)
I used to have sympathy for umpires.
I used to think boys were tough.
I used to think a double-header was a long day at the ball field. Now we're just getting warmed up.
We used to spend our summer vacation relaxing on the beach or visiting family. Now we hit the road with 40 of our closest friends.
I used to think the ideal woman had brains and beauty. She still does, but now she better also be quick, courageous, and able to bunt a good rise ball.
I used to look for little restaurants that served seafood fresh off the boat. Now I'm a connoisseur of nachos and smoked sausages.
I used to be concerned that I would fall into the trap of living my life through my daughter. Now I know that I'm privileged to live my life WITH my daughter.
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The Typical Fastpitch Player
At one time she looked cute as a button dressed in pink with ponytails. She had tea parties with her stuffed animals and dolls and helped Mom bake cookies. She has been, and will always be Daddy's and Mommy's little girl.
Today the fastpitch player still has the same little girl attributes. The only difference is she looks cute in her sliders and shorts. If she's wearing ribbons in her hair, they are the team colors. She has become Mommy and Daddy's little hitter.
The fastpitch player is proud of how dirty she can get. On a normal family dinner outing, she takes up to an hour primping to get ready, and she still feels somewhat self-conscious. However, between tournament games she'll strut into any restaurant with a streak of dirt across her face, ratted sweaty hair, a dirt stained shirt, bloody knees, and brown socks (they used to be white) with sandals with a toe sticking out, and yell, "Let's eat!"
The fastpitch player typically has an extensive wardrobe. She has several old uniforms, which she has outgrown, but has not discarded because, well, you never know. She has several hundred tee shirts and boxer shorts from camps, leagues, and tournaments around the country. When her parents say wear something nice, she wears stuff from regional or national events.
The fastpitch player needs to get a scholarship, because her parents are broke spending thousands of dollars paying for camps, batting lessons, pitching lessons, catching lessons, hotel rooms, out to eat between tournament games, league fees, equipment, etc., etc....
The fastpitch player is a fierce competitor. She is willing to stand 40' away from a pitcher and take a pitch with a measured reaction time that even a major league baseball player would struggle to hit. She might only be 5'3" and 100 pounds (soaking wet), but she'll dig in at 3rd or 1st, 25 feet away from the batter and challenge them to drive one down her throat.
The fastpitch player has more spirit than any other sport. She'll go home hoarse from cheering and rooting her team on into the final innings. She plays the sport for all the right reasons, she loves the game. She could spend the weekend watching tv or out at the mall with all her non-sport friends, because all her sport friends are at a tournament somewhere, but she chooses to spend her weekend in the 100 degree heat, waiting to get in the game.
The fastpitch player is diligent and hard working. She knows the value of hard work. She understands that you get out of something what you put in. She is competitive and doesn't give up very easily. She learns teamwork and spirit.
Most of all she learns to respect all, but fear none.
TGFPSP
The Typical Girls Fastpitch Softball Player(TGFPSP)
The TGFPSP is first and foremost somebody's little girl. At one time she looked cute as a button, dressed in pink with pony tails. She played with dolls, helped mom bake cookies, and has probably earned a few bucks baby-sitting. She has been, and always will be daddy's or mommy's little girl.
The TGFPSP still has all those little girl attributes. The only difference is now she looks cute dressed in sliders and shorts. If she is wearing ribbons in her hair, they are probably team colors. She still bakes cookies -- for the team bake sale; and has probably earned a few bucks -- at the team car wash. Now she is and always will be daddy's or mommy's little pitcher, or second baseman, or shortstop, or catcher.
The TGFPSP takes pride in how much dirt she can collect each weekend. Go to dinner on a night that she is not playing and it takes her an hour of primping to get ready. Go to eat after a game and she'll walk right into a restaurant with a streak of dirt across her forehead, ratted hair, stained shirt, and brownish white socks -- or brown toes with sandals -- and yell "Let's EAT!"
The TGFPSP is ready and willing to play softball at the drop of a hat! If she can get away with it, she will play on two teams (in the same day no less). She has a huge wardrobe -- plenty of tournament shirts, and shorts from all the teams she has played on. Her parents do her school shopping every weekend at the tournament T-shirt booth. When you say, "wear something nice", she thinks it means a tournament shirt without dirt stains.
The TGFPSP needs to get an athletic scholarship. Her parents have spent $100,000 on camps, private instruction, batting cages, gloves, bats, equipment, uniforms, player fees, concession stands, travel and lodging. THEY'RE BROKE!!!
The TGFPSP is a fierce competitor. She knows you get out of something only what you put into it. She is not the type of kid to take the easy way out! Standing maybe 5'2" and weighing 100 lbs. soaking wet, she is willing to stand in against a pitcher throwing heat from a distance so close that even pro baseball players would get nervous. She is fearless as she plays first or third base at 20 feet from home plate, saying I dare you to bunt -- just try to drive one down my throat!!! But mostly she is proud, for no matter what size she may be or what position she might play, no one can tell her that softball is soft -- she knows that throwing like a girl doesn't mean what it used to.
The TGFPSP is playing the game for all the right reasons! SHE LOVES IT! She could hang out at the mall, stay home and watch TV, or spend her summers at the pool. Instead she has a tight schedule with limited free time, hangs out on the practice field with a coach in her face, and spends her summers getting baked on a 95 degree field with no shade. But the TGFPSP has her priorities in order: tournaments, league games, team practices, schoolwork, individual batting practice, family, private softball instruction, church, conditioning, softball camps, and boys (maybe church comes before batting practice -- at least on Sundays).
The TGFPSP has more spirit than maybe any athlete who plays a team sport. At least it sounds that way. Softball is the only sport where a player's ability to cheer can sometimes effect roster decisions. Sooner or later, every fastpitch coach will find a player who can't bunt or hit, is a liability in the field, and spends a lot of time on the bench -- but you've got to love her because she always wears a big grin and cheers constantly!
The TGFPSP learns many valuable lessons during the course of her softball career, like:
- How to get from home to every softball field within a 100 mile radius
- Last year's sunflower seeds that she found in the bottom of her bat bag aren't too bad if she washes them down with enough Gatorade.
- You can stay a Holiday Inn for $6 bucks a night if you are willing to go 8 to a room.
- Hotels don't monitor pool usage and you can go swimmng anytime, whether you're a registered guest or not.
- The hotel's continental breakfast means: 3 bowls of cereal, 1 bagel, 2 donuts and 4 glasses of OJ.
- Never wash your socks when you're on a winning streak.
- Never wash your socks when you're on a hitting streak.
- Never wash your socks after you've scored the winning run, scored any run, or were close to scoring a run.
- Never trust a mother who says she won't wash your lucky socks.
The TGFPSP dreams of double plays, slap bunts, sacrifice hits, and future gold. Regardless of all the sacrifices, the money, the occasional bad coach, and the little hardships like having to drink water that people have put their hands in, The TGFPSP has a lot of fun every summer -- enough to make her come back each year. While The TGFPSP knows she will always be daddy's or mommy's little girl, she knows that her destiny is to become tomorrow's modern woman.
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