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676 Misty Ridge Lane
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The Typical Softball Coach

While it can be very gratifying, The Typical Softball Coach has one of the most thankless jobs in the world!

Don't try to call The Typical Softball Coach's house between 7-11 PM because he is already on the phone and has someone else on call-waiting. You'll get a busy signal. Softball is the only subject that one man will talk to another for 2-1/2 hours on the telephone. The coach spends about $32.50 per month on long distance calls related to team business. If the phone rings one time: hang-up! It means that the coach is:

      A) At practice
      B) At a game
      C) At a league meeting
      D) At the sporting goods store.

The Typical Softball Coach lets his wife do all the grocery shopping. This is not because he is a chauvinist pig, it is because he can't! You see, the coaches car is the mobile team equipment vehicle. Bats, balls, pitching machine etc. in the trunk. Spare uniforms, first-aid kit, score books etc. in the back seat. He may get the groceries, but only if he has a roof rack!

The Typical Softball Coach always is full of great expectations for his team. Even when the team record is 3-23. He also usually has that innate ability to find those four examples of how the team performed admirably during a 17-2 shellacking! Next years team always has a shot at Nationals. Sadly, but thankfully, he believes the aforementioned.

The Typical Softball Coach never says: We're gonna suck next year. We are 3-23 and we're lucky we're not 0-26! If we didn't get to play so-and-so when half their team went to the wrong field, and if we didn't get that early season forfeit, we'd be 1-25. He never says we got beat 17-2 because we stink, and our best player couldn't sit on their bench. You'll never hear The Typical Softball Coach say: "Next year I think we have a shot at going 10-40! Sadly, but thankfully, The Typical Softball Coach has an overactive sub-concious that eliminates all fear of having the worst team in the league.

The Typical Softball Coach shows up at the field 2-1/2 hours before game time, because it rained earlier and he wants to make sure the field is playable. Of course he told his secretary that he was going to visit a prospective account. On average the Typical Coach probably gives 20-40 hours per week nine months out of the year to his team.

The Typical Softball Coach is:

      A) Harder on his daughter than any other player.
      B) Softer on his daughter than any other player. (A)

The Typical Daughter of a Softball Coach is:

      A) Fortunate to spend so much quality time with her dad.
      B) Likely to strangle him before her player eligibility runs out. :)

The Typical Softball Coach usually is the first to arrive and last to leave. This includes practices, games, tournaments, team functions and probably wedding receptions.

The Typical Softball Coach passes all his experience(s) from playing baseball to all the girls on his team. This mean that:

      A) Your daughter is being coached by a guy that hit .182 in Little League and never played
          anywhere but right field, or
      B) those fortunate enough to truly have exceptional coaching built on years of successful
          diamond sports experience. Note: See team record! :)

In all seriousness: The Typical Softball Coach is not rated as much on his personal success as a baseball player, but more on his acquired knowledge of the game, his communication skills and management ability etc. (His ability to get the most out of every player and the team!)

The Typical Softball Coach will:

      A) Teach your daughter many lessons far surpassing the game of softball and truly have an impact
          on her growth and future.
      B) Be a living example of what kind of man is not marriage material. :)

Parents opinions of The Typical Softball Coach are:

      A) What a great guy, and good coach.
      B) What a great guy, but he doesn't know diddly.
      C) Maybe if I pretend that I like him, he will let my 360 lb. daughter play SS.
      D) He sucks! :)

The Typical Softball Coach is a stickler for time: you must be at the field one hour prior to game time. Be back here in one hour and 37 minutes. We will meet at our normal place and caravan to the tournament, if you are not there by 6:15 AM, we will leave without you. EXCEPTION: The Typical Softball Coach frequently says, "Post-game meeting behind the dug-out for five minutes. If your team won that means a 10 minute meeting, if you lost that means 10 minutes plus 1 minute for each run the other team scored more than you did. Add 5 minutes if your next game is out of town. Add 2 minutes for time to tell girls to listen. Add 2 minutes for scorekeeper to find schedule for next game. Well, let's make this easy ... all five minute meetings last 30 minutes, except late games when the meeting lasts until the parks crew shuts off the lights.

At the end of the season, The Typical Softball Coach gets a plaque and modest gift for his 100's of hours of effort. He probably doesn't get a Christmas or Birthday card. No letter of thanks. But rest assured, he will get a call from a disgruntled parent or two ... and it's part of the job. The best of the best coaches, eliminate this by getting kids playing time when they can, by keeping the player and parents informed of the girls status in advance, and by only keeping kids that are good enough to make his team!

When it's finally over, and this years team has played its last game, The Typical Softball Coach usually gives one final speech. And more often than not, as he scans his charges assembled as a team for the last time, that brick wall starts to crumble a little, his voice may crack, his eyes water up and you finally know just how much the girls on the team meant to him.

The Typical Softball Coach is usually ... just a Dad, once in a while a Mom and that rarest of softball birds ... someone who genuinely cares about our daughters !

Anonymous Author

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